Find some jokes

A star (confident): Do you believe that I only sleep for one hour every day?

Reporter: What are you doing in the other 23 hours?

Star (shy): doze off.

1, I haven't climbed up several times.

Once upon a time, there was a man who came home from the night shift. Because I was in a hurry, I chose a shortcut and passed a cemetery. I don't know who dug a big hole next to the cemetery, and this person just fell into the hole. He tried hard to climb up, but no matter how hard he climbed, he couldn't. Just then, another man passed by and fell into the hole, and that man climbed up desperately. At this time, the man who fell into the hole patted the man on the shoulder and said, don't bother, I didn't climb up several times. The man jumped out of the hole and ran away with a scream.

18 drunk results (funny)

In theory, more than 90% people will get drunk once before they are 30 years old. As for the drunken appearance, it can be said that the variety is complete and varied, which makes people laugh. ...

Today, let's take a look at mixed feelings after getting drunk.

1: I want to count the stars.

At the end of the year, a colleague who was usually very calm drank his eyes red that day. When the leader saw that the situation was not good, he quickly asked me to take him home. But when I reached for a taxi, my colleague didn't get on the bus anyway, but sat on the side of the road with great interest. He looked up and said to the sky, "Who said there are countless stars in the sky? I want to count them all tonight! " "

2: Stop the police car

At a dinner party, a buddy drank a little too much, but he looked sober and everyone ignored him. At the end of the meal, the buddy suddenly rushed to the middle of the road, stretched out his hand and stopped a patrolling 1 10 police car, then opened the door and rushed to the police sitting inside and said loudly, I know your car is one kilometer (taxis in Qingdao are priced at one kilometer), but you don't have to write it so big for me. You think I'm nearsighted ...

3. Business is really good

Going to a restaurant for dinner, a buddy went to the toilet on the way, and when he came back, he mysteriously told us:

"The business of this hotel is so good that even the toilet has two tables!"

Just when everyone was wondering, a group of people rushed over, picked up the buddy and hit him. Of course we quit and asked them:

"He didn't annoy you. Did you hit him?" "Hit him? We had a delicious meal, but this guy went to our private room to pee. "

4: The car leaks oil.

There is a cool buddy who used to wear leather pants and drive a motorcycle to catch a meal. After a stupid drink, everyone retreated.

When we parted on the side of the road, the buddy suddenly felt urgent to pee. He walked under a tree and unbuttoned his leather pants, but unbuttoned his belt. I saw him holding the belt and starting to relax in the tree.

Finally, he was still shaking wildly with his belt.

Then, he rolled out his motorcycle. Just as he was about to start, he noticed that the ground under the leather pants was actually wet. So, he asked us in confusion: "Strange, how did my car leak oil?"

5: Big money delivery

When I was in a newspaper office, I had a colleague who had a legendary hobby. When you are drunk, you like to give people money, one hundred each, and let people take a taxi home. He is anxious with whoever doesn't want him, so don't beat others up.

But as soon as the next day passed, he ran to others one by one with special grievances and put on a sad face: "Brother, give me back the money I gave you yesterday ..."

The funniest thing is that the same thing happened to him three times in a month.

6: Throw a watch

My dad always likes to bet when he is drunk. Once he didn't come home late at night, we went to various pubs to find him. When I found him, he was shouting in the street to compare his watch with another person. At the end of the quarrel, his old man took the omega off his wrist and threw it across the street. Then he hurried over to pick it up and shouted excitedly, "Look, my watch is still running. Do you want to try? "

7: Four Seas at Home

There is a flower bed in front of my house. One morning when I went out, I found a buddy sleeping in a flower bed with only a pair of underwear on him.

And his shirt, trousers and tie are neatly stacked next to him, holding his mobile phone, which is actually turned off. There are also leather shoes, which are also neatly arranged, with socks in the hole. ...

It seems that this guy is in charge of this.

Later, I thought, it's a good thing this guy doesn't have a hobby of sleeping naked, otherwise it would be more lively to watch.

8: Climb stairs

Once, a netizen came to Tianjin, claiming to pour us Shanghainese under the table. Of course we were not convinced, so we took turns to go into battle. From beer to red wine, from red wine to yellow wine, from yellow wine to white wine, the final result is that Tianjin men should have carried their wives with broken toes upstairs, but inexplicably carried my six-year-old daughter from the first floor to the seventh floor, and then staggered back to the first floor from the seventh floor, beaten by their wives, and their eyes were blue.

9: Encountered robbers

After drinking with a group of people, I made an appointment to go to XXX's house. Walking, one person got lost, and another person went to find him.

Everyone went to a certain house first and sat down. After a while, the lost man came and proudly told everyone that he had met a robber and asked him to break him open with a brick. As soon as the words were finished, the man who went to look for him arrived. The boy who got lost in anger hit him with a brick and made him run around.

10: Here I come again.

Once, some friends made an appointment to go to a hotel called Fish Head King for a drink. One of them was drunk and insisted on rushing to another hotel to meet another group of drinkers. No one could stop him, so we had to let him go. Not long after, he suddenly appeared in front of us with a bright face and repeatedly apologized: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just drank wine and came late."

As he spoke, I sat down and shouted at the waiter, "Come, let's eat!" " "

Later, we learned that after he left us, he got on the taxi neatly and shouted at the driver, "get out of the way and go to the fish head king!" " "

As a result, the driver showed him around and sent him back. When he came to us again, he couldn't recognize who was who. It turned out to be a kind of pain. Excuse me!

1 1: dumbfounding.

I met a girl the winter before last. Good temperament. We are together almost every day. In the evening, either go to a bar or go to a disco. One night, we came home drunk. She started making trouble when she got home.

Cry, cry badly. She was crying alone in the bathroom. I kicked the door open and pulled her out, and she got into the closet and continued to cry.

I finally put her to bed and she hugged me and cried. That's not all. When I saw the cell phone at hand, bang. Hit the wall hard. I just watched the beautiful folding mobile phone split in half.

Next day, she woke up. Holding my head and looking at the broken mobile phone on the ground, I ran downstairs and moved a brick. I looked at her strangely. I saw the lady pick up a brick and hit it at the mobile phone. After the shell was broken, she took out the parts inside, smiled at me and said, "Hehe, these parts are worth 300 yuan. Sell them and chip in to buy a mobile phone! "

12: What a pity.

Once, a related unit invited our colleagues to drink, and the place where we treated them was a very high-end restaurant, Abalone Bird's Nest, which ordered a lot. During the dinner, everyone raised their glasses frequently and fell down. I don't know how many bottles of red wine I drank. I only remember that when I left, one of my colleagues vomited downstairs in the hotel and cried regretfully, "My abalone, my shark's fin, what a pity."

13: Nanjing to Zhenjiang

I know a big brother from Nanjing who likes drinking very much. At that time, he came and went on a little Mulan motorcycle. One night, he was drunk, but he still rode his motorcycle home. At that time, he couldn't see the road clearly, only knowing that he was walking on the 3 12 national road in a daze. I don't remember how long I rode it. When he was a little more sober, he suddenly looked up and saw a signboard in front of him turned out to be "Zhenjiang Hotel".

He rode a little Mulan motorcycle from Nanjing to Zhenjiang!

What's more, he rode Mulan from Zhenjiang to Nanjing.

14: Love is endless

A man with very elegant manners drank too much and went to a small tree for convenience. After that, he pulled away and wanted to go, but he felt that someone had caught him. He turned and refused. "No, no, it's too late. I should go back. Goodbye, sister. "

But I can't walk away. When his people saw that he was impatient, they also came to persuade him, "Miss, let go. We will come back later. There are plenty of opportunities."

After more than an hour of rejection, they found that he had tied his belt with people and trees and forged a good friendship with trees. ...

15: Error.

My brother's company gave out year-end awards, and he went to the restaurant to celebrate with several colleagues who had good relations. After a full meal, my brother came out to drive the bike with the car key, but he couldn't open it.

My brother thought, maybe he was drunk and his hands were shaking. Anyway, I made a lot of money today, so I might as well take a taxi home. So he put his bike in the trunk of a taxi and took it home. After waking up the next day, my brother came downstairs to have a look. It's broken! He had to take a taxi to pull his bike back.

It turned out that it was his colleague Xiao Li's bike that he took home at night!

16: home.

One of my neighbors likes drinking and often gets drunk. Once, he got drunk and got into a taxi. The driver drove slowly, waiting for him to say where he was going. But after waiting for a long time, nothing happened. Looking back, he was taking off his clothes. The driver was startled and quickly asked, "Sir, what are you doing!" " "

He said, "When I get home, I'm going to undress and sleep!" " "

The driver quickly told him, "This is my car, not your home."

He thought for a moment and shouted, "hurry up and go back to where I got on the bus!" " "

The driver asked why, and he said, "I just thought I got home and left my shoes at the door!" " "

17: fortune telling

Once, a friend of mine from other places went to Qingdao on business, and his friend went to a hotel for a party. As a result, he drank a little too much. After arriving at the hotel, he refused to take out his room key, so we had to go to the hotel front desk to find another way.

When we returned to the door of the room with the waiter, I saw him putting the money, credit cards, business cards and other things in his wallet neatly on the floor. When he saw us, he said excitedly and happily, "Come, I'll give you a divination!" " "

18: Give my car back.

As soon as I became a brother, I liked driving after drinking. Once, when I came home, I met the police to check the car. Just as he secretly asked Luck to get off the bus for inspection, the police answered a phone call, holding a mobile phone, bossing around and chatting endlessly. As soon as he saw the opportunity, he quietly returned to the car and drove home in a hurry while the policeman who called was unprepared.

The next day, someone knocked at his door. It was the police yesterday. Now that he's sober, he naturally asks the policeman confidently, "What are you doing here? What can I do for you? "

The policeman said, "I helped you drive to the door." Now, why don't you give me back your police car? "

I said, "You are a pig." You said, "I am a pig." From then on, I called you a pig. Finally, one day, you can't help yelling at me in front of everyone: "I'm not a pig."

Someone farted on the bus. It stinks. A coquettish woman spat "bah". Some men don't like to say, "What, you spit out your shell after eating fart?"

A little turtle said to the mouse, I work in the kitchen of an upscale hotel. The mouse smiled: Nonsense again! Tortoise is serious: I won't lie to you. I take bath water there to make soup.

A woman came to an egg stall with a cat in her arms. The man stared at the woman's arm and praised: Miss, your breasts are so white and big! The woman glared and ignored it. The man comes again: Miss, your breasts are really white and big! The woman couldn't bear it, and said to him, I'll crush your eggs if you talk nonsense again!

A little dog climbed onto your dining table and crawled towards a roast chicken. You are furious and say, if you dare to do anything to that roast chicken, I will dare to do anything to you. As a result, the dog licked the chicken's ass and you fainted. The dog said, look who is cruel.

Yesterday, I dreamed that God said I could grant a wish. I took out a globe and said I wanted world peace. He said it was too difficult to change. I took out your photo and said I want this person to look good. On reflection, he said that I would take another look at the globe.

One day three ghosts met God when they were shopping! They told God that they all died miserably and hoped to send them to heaven! God said helplessly, there are too many residents in the sky now, and they are all full. But there's another place! You said, whoever dies the worst will go to heaven!

So, the first ghost began to say ... I was a cleaner before I died. Work is very hard! Busy from morning till night! One day, I was cleaning windows outside a building! It's the kind of dangerous work hanging outside at high altitude! On the 30th floor! Suddenly, my foot slipped and fell! I think it's over! I'm dying! But the survival instinct makes me scratch unconsciously! Luckily, I grabbed the railing of a balcony on 13 floor. I feel saved! So I want to climb up after I recover!

Who knows, suddenly someone patted my hand and I fell down again! I think I'm really finished now! However, my life should not be decided, and a tent caught me below. I am glad that I must have accumulated virtue in my last life! I want to wait for my physical strength to recover before I go down. Who knows, a refrigerator fell from it and killed me!

The second ghost said ... I was a clerk before I died. Everything is fine. I have a beautiful wife. Great figure!

But it's just a little water. I have a slight heart attack. One day I forgot to bring my medicine to work, so I went home to get it. As soon as I entered the door, I saw my wife's hair disheveled and disheveled. There must be an adulterer. So I looked everywhere in the house, kitchen and toilet, but I couldn't find it. When I got to the balcony, I found two hands on the railing and thought: adulterer! So he patted his hand. I think, 13 floor! See if I can fall to my death!

As a result, I didn't die when I looked at it! Caught by the tent! I was in a hurry, so I searched all over the house and went into the kitchen. I found that the refrigerator was big enough and threw it away. Finally smashed him to death! I'm so happy! Laughing a lot. Who knows, laughing so hard, laughing so hard!

The third ghost said ... I'm a punk, but I didn't do anything wrong! One day I went to a female friend's house to hang out! Just finished, her husband suddenly came back! I have to find a place to hide. So I searched the kitchen and toilet, and finally found that their refrigerator was quite big, so I hid in it! I don't understand how her husband knew I was in the refrigerator and threw it from the 13 floor!

I just fell to my death in my refrigerator!

A hilarious joke on the bus

1. bus IC card

It was a few years ago, when the bus arrived at the station, a tall woman came over. Her IC card may be in the back pocket of jeans, so as soon as she got on the bus, she leaned her ass against the credit card machine and got into the trunk with a drip. This woman is followed by a short old lady. She felt strange. How can she get on the bus with that thing? So as soon as she got on the bus, she tried her best to weigh it. Aunt said: Isn't that girl riding on her ass here? Haha, I see. The driver can't laugh or cry, so he can only explain to him that the girl uses an IC card.

But aunt doesn't understand that shrimp is called IC card, and she also pesters the driver. "You're an unreasonable young man. When a beautiful girl pouts with you, you let people in. My wife has pushed your ass so many times, and you won't let me in. What do you mean? " Everyone in the trunk laughed, and the driver just waved her in because he couldn't get off the stage.

I heard wrong.

A foreigner holding a ticket for 50 yuan waved it in front of the conductor: See? Have you seen it? ……

The ticket buyer was stupid, so he simply took out a program of 100: Have you seen it?

Finally, I learned that the man wanted to go to "Jianguomen!"

3. thief

A gentleman often loses his wallet on the bus. One day, before getting on the bus, a gentleman folded a thick stack of paper and put it in an envelope. After getting off the bus, he found the envelope stolen. The next day, a gentleman just got on the bus and felt a hard object around his waist. He felt it and saw it. That was yesterday's envelope, which said: Please don't joke like this, it will affect his normal work. Thank you! !

Ask for money

Going home by bus, I found that there was no one yuan change in my wallet. When I was in a hurry, I took out a ten-dollar bill and put it in the slot. Later, the more I thought about it, the more I felt timid. I discussed with the driver whether I could stay at the door and keep the money that the next passenger should have put in the slot for myself. The driver agreed.

The bus soon reached the next stop, and many people scrambled to get on. I stopped at the door and said to the first passenger, "Give me the money." The other party was stunned: "Why?" I didn't explain it clearly in a few words. I said, "Just give it to me, and don't worry about anything else." The other party stared at the driver, and the driver nodded by default. So, I got a dollar. According to the law, and soon received eight Zhang Yiyuan money. At this time, a big man came over, hunched back, shaved, and tattooed. Seeing that I stopped him, I said angrily, "Why?

Dude. I said, "Talk to you later. Give me the money first. " The other person's eyes are round: "What are you talking about?" I said, "Give me the money!" Another man opened his mouth and asked the driver, "What does this kid do?" The man was blocked at the door, and the people behind him couldn't get on, but the people in the carriage were anxious to start, so everyone shouted, "What are you busy with?" Give the money quickly! "The big fellow soon fell. I saw him take out his wallet from his pocket and hand it over. He said sadly, "boss, that's all I have." There are many of you. I'm impressed. "

Chasing cars

I caught the bus in the morning, and when I got to the platform, the bus had already left. So I had to chase and shout: "Master, wait for me! Master, wait for me! "

At this time, a passenger leaned out of the window and said to me, "Wukong, stop chasing."

get off (a vehicle)

When the bus was waiting for the red light, a man shouted, "driver, open the door, I want to get off."

"Is this the bus stop?" The driver growled.

"Just because this is not a bus stop, I will give you a chance."

The driver was speechless.

7. Extension ring

A very fat woman got on the bus and couldn't find a seat, so she had to pull the pull ring on the bus. Unexpectedly, the driver suddenly braked, and the fat woman pulled off the pull ring and jumped in front of the driver. The driver looked at her and the pull ring on her hand and said angrily, "There are three sets. Send the driver an autographed photo!" " "

8.seats

A beautiful lady took out a tissue from her bag and wiped her seat hard after getting on the bus. When she was about to sit down, she farted. A gentleman next to him listened and joked that the young lady really loves hygiene. After rubbing for so long, she still wants to blow!

I liked eating apples best before my death.

One day, a taxi driver felt very tired after working all day, so he wanted to drive home. It was midnight.

He happened to pass by the second funeral home in Beishi, feeling Mao Mao's in his heart and thinking, "Well, you feel strange, get out of here and go home quickly ~ ~ ~"

At this time, a woman in white suddenly stopped him by the side of the road. Just when the driver hesitated to stop, the car just stalled in front of the woman.

The driver feels so strange. How come...

At this time, the woman silently got on the bus ~ ~ ~

"I want to go to Songshan Airport." The woman began to speak.

The driver felt even more creepy and the car could start again.

"Oh ~ ~ well, Songshan airport, right! ? "The driver said in a trembling voice.

"……"

The car was driving, and the driver looked at the woman in the rearview mirror. He felt that the woman's face was bloodless and pale, and he felt as if he had carried it. In order to stop thinking, the driver took out an apple and chewed it to eliminate his inner anxiety.

At this time, the woman in the back seat spoke: "I liked eating apples best before my death ~ ~ ~"

Hearing this, the driver took a bite of the apple, not only his mouth opened wide, but his hair stood on end!

The woman went on to say, "But I don't like it after giving birth ~ ~ ~"

Let the wife see what a man looks like.

A beggar knocked on the window and said, give me some money. The gentleman looked at it and said, here is a cigarette for you. The beggar said, I don't smoke. Give me some money. The gentleman said, I have beer in my car, and I'll give you a bottle of wine. The beggar said, I don't drink. Give me some money. Mr. Wang said, well, I'll take you to the mahjong room, I'll pay, and you can gamble. You won. The beggar said, I don't engage in prostitution. Give me some money. The gentleman said: then I'll take you back when you get on the bus and show my wife how good a good man who doesn't smoke, drink, gamble or go whoring can be!