Fortune-teller Zhang Dajie _ Zhang Fortune-teller

The fortune-teller and the young lady chatted, "Your life is not good." "Why?" "Because you have a bad omen."

"Then can I take off my bra?" "No, as soon as you take off the bad omen, there are two big waves in life. One day, a Japanese tourist who can speak Chinese and is very arrogant came to a China restaurant for dinner.

When the waiter brought him a plate of braised prawns, the Japanese asked the waiter, "What do you do with shrimps in China?"

The waiter replied strangely, "you don't have to ask, of course you threw it away!" "

The Japanese smiled contemptuously: "No, in Japan, we will recycle the peeled shrimp shells, make them into shrimp cakes and sell them to you in China!"

The waiter was very angry, but he controlled his temper and went on with his business.

After a while, the waiter brought a fruit bowl to the Japanese. The Japanese pointed to the lemon inside and asked, "What did you do with the peeled lemon peel in China?"

The waiter replied angrily, "Of course I threw it away!"

The Japanese corners of the mouth rose: "No, no! In Japan, we will collect the peeled lemon peel, make it into tangerine peel pie and sell it to you in China! "

The waiter's face changed slightly, but he still ignored him.

Finally, the Japanese chewed gum after eating and went to the waiter to check out. He repeatedly asked, "What will you do with chewed gum in China?"

The waiter replied impatiently, "We will write it on paper and throw it away!" " "

The Japanese quickly said, "No, no, no! In Japan, we will collect chewed gum, make condoms and sell them to you in China! "

The waiter couldn't bear it, and smiled and asked the Japanese, "Excuse me, sir, how does Japan deal with used condoms?"

The Japanese shouted, "Oh, my God! Of course I threw it away! ! "

The waiter smiled and said, "No! In China, we will collect used condoms and sell them to you as chewing gum! ! ! "

1.

There is a penguin whose home is far from the polar bear's home. It will take 20 years to get there on foot. One day, the penguin stayed at home and was bored. He was going to play with polar bears, so he went out, but on the way, he found that he forgot to lock the door. It's been 10 years, but the door still has to be locked, so the penguin went home to lock it. After locking the door, the penguin set out again to look for the polar bear, which means it took him 40 years to reach the polar bear's home ... Then the penguin knocked on the door and said, "Polar bear, polar bear, penguin wants to play with you!" " "

Guess what the polar bear said when he opened the door? ..... "Let's go to your house to play ~"

2. The little white rabbit skipped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: "Oh, sorry, not that much."

"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay.

The next day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"

Boss: "Sorry, there is still no"

"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay again.

On the third day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"

The boss said happily, "Yes, yes, we have a hundred buns today! ! "

The little white rabbit took out the money: "Great, I'll buy two!" " "

Ming Dow Jr.: "Kang, let me ask you something." A shark ate a mung bean. What did it become? 」

Kang said, "I don't know. What is the answer? 」

Xiao Ming said, "Hey! Hey! The answer is "green bean paste (mung bean shark)", you idiot! 」

The teacher asked a classmate how to reduce white pollution.

Make the lunch box blue.

5. One person has a bad stomach. One day, he went to the Stomach Hospital and said to the doctor, "I will eat whatever I eat."

Guala watermelon, eat cucumber and pull cucumber! "

The doctor thought about it and said to him, "I think you have to eat shit!" " "

6. On the plane, a stewardess asked a little girl, "Why didn't the plane hit the stars when it was flying so high?" "

The little girl replied, "I know, because the stars will shine!" " "

7. There is a polar bear playing with a penguin. Penguins pull out his hair one by one. After pulling it out, he said to the polar bear, "It's so cold!" When the polar bear heard this, he pulled off his hair one by one and turned to the penguin and said, "It's really cold!" "

8. There is a loaf of bread. I was hungry when I walked, so I ate by myself.

nine

Q: What do African cannibals eat?

A: people!

Q: Then one day, the chief fell ill and the doctor told him to be a vegetarian. What did he eat?

A: Eat vegetables! ~~

10

American: Have you ever seen a cup made of wood?

China: No!

American: Then why is the Chinese character "cup" beside the wooden character?

China people: Isn't there a word "no" next to the word "cup"? In other words, it is not made of wood.

Small white+small white =?

White rabbits (two) ~

12

Q: What happens when a fat man falls from 12 floor?

fat person

13.

Asun and appa have nothing to talk about, telling each other that time waits for no man.

A song: "Recalling my childhood, the happiest thing is Children's Day."

Apa: "Youth Day is in ten years."

A song: "Father's Day is in ten years."

Apa: "In a few decades, it will be the Day of the Elderly."

A song: "In a few decades."

Appa: ". Tomb-Sweeping Day. "

14

When the millionaire drove past a village in a luxurious extended Lincoln, he saw two beggars pulling grass by the roadside and stopped immediately.

"Why do you eat grass?"

"We really have no money ..." A beggar replied.

"Really, get in the car and go to my house."

"I have a wife and two children at home ..." A beggar complained.

"Call 1, and the rich man points to another beggar." And you, call your family. "

"My family has a large population. Besides my wife, there are five children. " Another beggar said.

"It doesn't matter, all call, go to 1.

In this way, two beggars and their families got on the bus, but fortunately it was an extended bus. On the way to exercise, a beggar's wife said gratefully, "Boss, it's very kind of you to invite even poor people like us to our home."

The millionaire replied, "Nothing, I just came back from abroad, and my house has been neglected.". The lawn in the yard may be more than one meter high and you can eat enough. "

15

One day, at the height of the national war, the guild leader came to the grassland front to boost morale. ...

The guild leader asked: What's the situation?

Report to the member archers: report to the head! There is a Bezos archer beside the tent 20 meters ahead, but his accuracy is poor. He has shot many times these days, but he didn't hit anyone.

After listening to this, the colonel asked: Since we have found the enemy archer, why not kill him?

The archer said: Report to the team leader! No, don't you want them to exchange it for a more accurate one?

16

Soldier: "Thirst ... Thirst ..."

Cao Cao: "Hold on a little longer! I have been to this place before, and I remember there is a Merlin nearby. I can walk for a while.

Can you get there? "

Soldier: "Oh! There are plums to eat! Oh! "

Half an hour later-Coss: "Master! The expedition found a lot of water! "

Cao Cao: "Ha ha ha ha, did you hear that? Finally, there is water to drink. "

Soldier: "If you don't go ... you must find Plum ..."

17

A girls' school is haunted.

One day I was met by Xiaohong.

The ghost said: junior. . . Look at that. . . I have no feet. . . I have no feet. . .

Xiaohong: That's nothing. Listen, senior, I don't have breasts. I have no breasts.

18

A medium-rare steak and a medium-rare steak meet in the street. Why don't they say hello (assuming they can talk)?

because ....................

because ........................

Because they are strangers ~ ~! Ha ha laugh

20

The little snake asked the big snake brother in a panic .. "Brother, are we poisonous?" The serpent said, "Why do you ask?" small

The snake said, "I accidentally bit my tongue just now." "

22

The tortoise and the rabbit race ... the rabbit quickly ran to the front. ..

The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly .. and said to him, come up, I'll carry you. ..

Then, the snail came up. ..

After a while, the tortoise saw another ant and said to him, come up, too. ..

So the ants came up. .

When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him.

Do you know what the snail said?

Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast. ...

26

Every time I see you wearing stockings ...

There will be an indescribable feeling in my heart,

namely ...

Radish is also wrapped in plastic wrap!

27

One day, a mother-in-law took a bus.

Sitting halfway, my mother-in-law doesn't know the way.

My mother-in-law spanked the driver with a stick and said, where is this?

Driver: This is my ass.

28

A: "I'll take you to a place where all girls don't wear bras."

B: "Really? Where is it? Take me quickly! "

A: "It's in the kindergarten next door!"

29

One day, the teacher took a group of children to the mountain to pick fruit.

He announced: "children, we can wash the fruit together after picking it, and we can eat it together after washing." "

All the children went to pick fruit.

As soon as the assembly time came, all the children got together.

Teacher: "Xiaohua, what do you have?" "

Xiaohua: "I am washing apples because I picked them." "

Teacher: "What about you, Xiaomei?"

Xiaomei: "I'm washing tomatoes because I picked tomatoes." "

Teacher: "The children are great! What about Amin? "

A-Ming: "I'm washing cloth shoes because I stepped on shit." "

30

Bad news: A pilot fell off the plane.

Good news: He brought a parachute.

Bad news: the parachute is broken.

Good news: There is a haystack below.

Bad news: There is a dung fork on the haystack.

Good news: he didn't fall on the dung fork.

Bad news: He didn't fall on the haystack either.

35

Before eating peanuts, monkeys should put peanuts in their buttocks before taking them out. The administrator explained: Someone once fed it peaches, but the peach core could not be pulled out. The monkey is afraid. You must measure it before eating now.

40

One night, when a young woman passed a mental hospital, there was a sudden "wow" behind her. The woman turned her head and saw a naked man chasing her. The woman began to run in fear, and the man behind her followed. No, there's a dead end ahead. The woman, desperate, knelt on the ground and cried and begged, "Whatever, but please don't kill me." The man smiled cunningly and said, "Really? So now you start chasing me. "

4 1

A new nurse in a mental hospital, who is new here, saw a patient in the hospital circling around an ancient well and said, "13, 13, ..." The little nurse was quite surprised and couldn't figure out what this "13" meant. It was like this for several days. She always wanted to go forward and ask the truth, but she was afraid of the patient's attack and never dared.

One day, the little nurse finally lost her curiosity, walked slowly to the patient and looked into the well with her probe. Suddenly, the patient hugged the nurse's leg, threw it down and began to read: "14, 14, ..."

Forty two.

The matchstick suddenly felt itchy, so I reached out to scratch it and burned myself to death. ...

43. In an outdoor bathhouse, a group of strong workers are taking a bath. Several lovely monkeys climbed up the tree next to the bathhouse to watch. One of them laughed while watching, and the more he watched, the funnier he became. Finally, he fell from the tree and rolled on the ground. The other monkeys were surprised. They arrested him and asked him why he was laughing. The monkey kept laughing and said, "Haha … Hee hee … Humans are really strange.