Guide joke fortune telling _ guide joke fortune telling video

1, you fall in love with a girl, your eyes are full of amorous light, evil desires are brewing in your heart, and fresh * * makes you long for it. The girl is also nervous because of your special feelings, screaming: Help, whose dog is lying everywhere!

2, teach you a set of martial arts: first, two legs and a half; Then, put your left hand on your forehead; Finally, palm down to make a mixed appearance. There are many people who learn the trick of "monkey exploring the road", but regardless of posture or appearance, you like it best.

3. A MM Lu Yu boyfriend looks very close with another beautiful girl. I immediately flew into a rage and scolded my boyfriend: I didn't expect you to be a guy who likes the new and hates the old! The boyfriend is busy explaining: Wrong! You are new and she is old.

4. When the information is received, the event is not good; Keyboard failure, command failure; The bell rang wildly and the host roared; If you are upset, throw away your mobile phone; Laugh after reading it, and the god of wealth will come; You are a fool if you don't laugh! Did you laugh?

5. Why stop what you are doing to read this message? Will you die if you don't watch it? Can you study hard when you are so easily disturbed? Can you get ahead? Stand in the corner and reflect on yourself! The party and the people despise you!

6. My son came home trembling: "Dad, I only got 60 points in the exam today". Dad is very angry: "Don't call me dad next time you fail the exam!" " "The next day, my son came back:" I'm sorry, brother! " "

7. A man told me that you can't eat anything. I gave him a good beating and slandered you like this. I don't know the rest. Don't you and I know? Besides eating, you can at least sleep, run and grind your teeth!

8. A three-year-old boy took the hand of a three-year-old girl and said, "I love you." The little girl said, "Can you be responsible for my future?" Little boy: "Of course! We are not children for a year or two! "

9. Animal dressing experience. Butterfly: But it has an undeniable grace given by heaven. Hedgehog: No? Gel, cool head shape. Goldfish: Only I can wear chiffon skirts. Cheetah: My clothes always lead the trend.

10, there is a big ship at sea. Its initial capacity is 60 people. As a result, it only carried 59 people and actually sank into the sea! Why is this? A: This is a submarine.

1 1. I haven't seen you for a week. I miss you very much. I want to find you every time I get greedy. In my heart, you are very important. I'm willing to pay for it. Please come to my house to bake and fry. Oh, take it easy, I said pork!

12, a group of patriotic youths boycotted Carrefour's return, and suddenly saw a French flag enjoying the cool in the street, rushing forward and violently leveling it. The flag shouted: grievance, I am the Dutch flag! Everyone roared: I thought I didn't recognize you when I was lying on the ground pretending to be dead!

13. Send you a good friend. He is very considerate. When you cry, he will cry with you. When you laugh, he laughs with you. Even when you lose your temper, he will lose his temper! Hehe, it's a repeater ...

14, two people know the rules of football better than anyone else. A said, I have watched many football games! There is nothing I don't know about football! Really? A said: of course! B said: Then tell me how many holes there are in the football net.

15, three times seven, 21, whatever. No matter you, no matter you, I can't ignore you. I miss you too late, and my heart is always together. Love you, spoil you, no matter love you to death!

16, it's cold. I'll give you a considerate brand thermal underwear, a caring brand sweater, a warm brand cotton-padded jacket and a happy belt. I can't believe you don't look like a … Zongzi dressed like this!

17, the cigarette fell in love with the finger, but the finger gave the cigarette to the lips. The cigarette kissed the lips, but gave the heart to the lungs. The lung thought it got the cigarette heart but didn't know it hurt itself! Is it the back plate of fingers that makes the smoke sad, or the greed of lips that makes the lungs sad?

18. passbook and money have been in love for many years, but they have never been married. Qian asked the passbook, "Dear, why haven't you married me yet?" The passbook says, "Honey, if I marry you, you won't be mine."

19, patrol: fishing is not allowed here. Fisherman: I'm not fishing, I'm letting earthworms practice swimming. Policeman: Then, show me the earthworm. Fisherman: Look! Patrol: I can't swim. You should be fined.

20, "installation" culture: it is obviously 6, and it must be installed backwards; It is obviously 0, and 8 installations will be added; Obviously it is V, but also increase the weight of W; It is clearly Q, and it is necessary to twist the ankle and install G; It's obviously p, but also B.

2 1, you will enrich yourself with beauty and attract bees and butterflies to dance; You put enchanting in one place, prompting rivers and mountains to pull over; You are possessed by virtue, which makes the Book of Songs complain. It's all your fault, March 8th has changed since then!

22. Youth shines on your face. The image of lively love is really handsome, charming and blooming. Romance is like countless stars lighting a lamp for you. People are amazed at your beautiful style: you have a lot of acne!

23. That night, the moonlight was dim, the cool wind was blowing gently, and everything was silent. Everything fits that. When you approached me slowly, my nervous heart was pounding, but I still cried out clearly ... Someone robbed me!

24. In late autumn, fallen leaves dance with the wind; The cold wind makes people feel slightly sad. It really hurts me to see you shivering in the wind. I walked beside you and shyly took off my coat for you: take it to wash and do something to keep warm.

25. Take a taxi home with my wife. I asked: How much is it? Driver: 18! My wife went through her bag and paid for it. I took out twenty yuan and gave it to the driver. I told my wife, keep the change! My wife hasn't reacted yet, but the driver said, thank you!

Stewardess: Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts. The plane will take off soon. After the plane took off, the flight attendant announced again. Please keep your seat belt fastened. We forgot to board the plane for breakfast today.

27, a word humor: not perfect, but follow one's inclinations! All roads lead to Rome, and there are toll stations on the road. Who will pay for sending goose feathers thousands of miles away? There was a way to do things, but many people left, so it was blocked.

28. To be a man, we must pay attention to: one thing, one thing, one thing, one thing. Second, it is a big event. This is a big deal. Ah, I don't understand! You have suffered from illiteracy all your life!

29. The sun is shining, the breeze is blowing gently, the willows are shaking their branches enthusiastically, the peach blossoms are emitting charming fragrance, and the stream is singing cheerful songs. What I want to say is … work hard, the boss is coming!

30. Funny version of "Little Donkey" I have a little donkey and never ride it. One day, on a whim, the donkey rode me to the market with a whip in his hand. I am very proud in my heart. I don't know how to crack my skin with a whip!

3 1, "I can't put it down" means I like it so much that I can't put it down, so you should say "I can't put it down" to the person you like loudly and shout as many times as possible.

32. Fireflies shine in the dark, stand out from the crowd, stand out, horses in donkeys are outstanding, pigs in pigsty are handsome, and standing with orangutans is … handsome!

33. Fengtian carries the imperial edict: Heaven is the biggest, and Jun is the second. No matter how big the sky is, it is also marginal. You are "lawless" But I just like your frankness and honesty. I hereby award you the Kong Laoer Prize. I am willing to make persistent efforts to carry out "II" to the end! Happy 22. I admire that.

34. I recently found that you have lost weight. Is it because of me? Is it because I made you stop thinking about tea and rice? Sorry, I was wrong, but I am too good. I will try to correct it in the future to make you feel better.

35. Let me help you figure it out. You are not suitable for dating the opposite sex. If you have to fall in love with the opposite sex, you can, but don't kiss each other, because … because the donkey's lips are wrong!

36. Yesterday, 3,986 freshmen of Southeast University began to register one after another, and it was also the first university in Nanjing. Among the freshmen, a girl named Zhou Wenting stands out. Her student number "11111"is called the best student number in history. It is estimated that after 1 1 years, there will be no student number' 22222222'!

37. A farmer's daughter was so ugly that she had to be a scarecrow in the corn field to scare crows. As a result, she not only scared away the crows, but even three crows were scared to send some corn back!

38. What is the life picture? Happiness is the greatest. Driving, playing at work, Kan Kan beauty, making phone calls, eating side dishes, clubbing, singing loudly, taking a sauna, dancing halls, meeting friends, texting, Doby fool!

39. There is a little wolf. He was born a vegetarian and didn't eat meat. His parents are very worried. One day, they were very happy to see the little wolf chasing a rabbit. As a result, the little wolf grabbed the rabbit and said, Give me the carrot quickly!

40. As soon as my eyes were closed and opened, the day passed. Think about it, and it will be finished soon. As soon as the heart cools and warms, the resentment will pass. The relaxed and happy club invites you to participate in the "Happy Ren Woxing" tomorrow. Please get ready!

4 1, I want you and me to do great things. We will have no food and clothes, and we can travel around the world. I think with your charm, you will earn more than me. Promise me? Go ... beg for food!

42. Are you a dung ball that has been rolled by a little retarded dog, a cockroach that has been trampled on, and a cockroach that has been adopted by the mentally retarded master of Shaolin Temple, who is known as the pear flower crushing the begonia?

43. When a meteor crossed the night sky last night, I immediately made a wish to the meteor: May your peach blossom every day! Win the prize! I saw the meteor come back and told me: when he invited you to finish eating, your wish will come true immediately!

44. Among the students of that year, the one who read English as "interest should be given" became the principal; Those who read it as "hard to change history" become * * families. I read I should be exhausted and became a company employee. How do you read it?

45. Money is a double-edged sword. You can buy a house but not a home. You can buy marriage but you can't buy love; You can buy a clock, but you can't buy time. Now, give me all your money and let me suffer alone!

46. Mr Xu made a big mistake. When he reached for his pocket in front of his wife, the cigarettes in the bag, the gambling tickets that didn't win the prize, and the photos of his old lover were scattered all over the floor. In a panic, what will he cover up immediately? Wife's eyes.

47. It is strange to discover a secret of modern society: the cat drank coke, the sheep fell in love with the wolf, its wings began to disappear, and autumn never came back. The orcs thousands of miles away actually serenaded.

48. God, in modern civilization, it is not illegal to make a fool of yourself and make money. Otherwise, at least you will be sentenced to life. If you have to be sentenced to 10 thousand years, but you like it, you will often visit the prison!

49. Over the years, thank you for your silent company. Cold weather gives me warmth, hot weather is not too wet and salty, and always accommodates me and tolerates my shortcomings. Although there are flaws, you still don't dislike me. I miss your smell! Old socks.

50. Lao Wang is a "Chinese Pulsatilla". One day when he went out, passers-by said in surprise, "Lao Wang! What products are used that are so amazing? My hair is all black! " Lao Wang: "Don't mention it, I put shoe polish on my head!" " "

5 1, when I am tired, I can snuggle in your arms; If you are hurt, you can cry on your shoulder. From the moment I was born, I fell in love with you deeply, and I can't live without you anymore. Ah, my dear bed!

52. The first time I went to a restaurant with my girlfriend, Xiao Wang was a little nervous. His girlfriend ordered a cold cucumber. After the waiter brought it, Xiao Wang put a cucumber on his girlfriend's plate with chopsticks and said, Come on, eat it while it's hot!

53 is enough, there is no edge of 1, and there is no loss of 3; Just right, not complacent, not conceited, not humble, not sad. To the extreme, it is detachment, freedom and fearlessness. If you are waiting, keep going down.

When I think of you, I feel warm. I remember the way you gave up on yourself when we went shopping together. I really can't walk without you. You are my day, my land, my lover and my confidant-RMB.

I can't resist your temptation because I'm hungry. When I get in close contact with you, I have an indescribable pleasure. I think the earth is spinning. I really want to have a big fight with you, but I'm afraid of getting pregnant.

56. A tourist attended the Water-splashing Festival for ethnic minorities and suddenly shouted: What splashed all over me? The tour guide explained that splashing water means blessing! The tourists cursed: You treat me like a fool! He used boiled water!

57. If you like, I will look at you affectionately until you surrender; If you like, I will tell you affectionately until you become a sheep; If you dare, I will support you all the way. Do you dare to admit that you are a donkey?

58. Are you the one who fascinates me? I don't feel tired watching you all day. I don't need to blink. I will look at you and accompany you every day. I'm so happy! My favorite mobile phone!

If you love someone, buy him a train ticket home. If you hate a person, let him queue up to buy a train ticket. If you want to marry him, please buy him a house. If you don't want to marry him, let him buy you a house.

60. A: "Silk stockings are a symbol of power. Both men and women can conquer. " B: "What do you mean?" Answer: "Because women can conquer men with them, and men can conquer banks with them!" " "

6 1, the simplest IQ test, please see the following paragraph: Sister, you go forward boldly! The river flows eastward. Wow, the stars in the sky join Beidou! Those who have music hum can go to the hospital for psychiatric registration in the near future!

62. You haven't been doing well recently, and you haven't contacted me much. You have to apologize to me and invite me to dinner. Otherwise, I'll look at you on the phone number wall, write the marriage hotline in front and add a condition at the back. It's up to you.

63. Dear mobile or Unicom or messy users, hello! Congratulations! Your mobile phone number has been selected as the special prize of "Extraordinary 6+7" column. Please visit the activity website www. SBSB is really stupid. Com to receive the grand prize, the verification code is 52525 true 2!

64. Banana Orange On your first wedding night, Orange: You don't look like a man. You can't stand hard when you take off your clothes. Banana: I used to think you were plump, but now I know you are pregnant. Orange: I grew up drinking water from my daughter's country.

65. Who should I think of in the bleak cold wind at the entrance of No.1 Middle School? Who should I hate? Who should I hit? ..... I thought I was playing with my life, but I was actually being played by fate. I was miserable. But still very happy.

66. Fortune teller: Women's hands are like ginger and money is like Man Cang's box. The farmer is very happy: my wife's hands are like ginger! Fortune teller: Really? Farmer: She hit me in the mouth yesterday and it's still burning.

If I had a candy, I would give it to you, because I want you to be happy. If I had two sweets, we would each have one. I think we would be very happy together. If I had three sweets, I would give you two, because I hope you have more cavities than me!

68. My wife took a fancy to a dress and asked her husband for advice. Husband doesn't think it looks good. The wife said: You see that beautiful woman next to you looks good in it. The husband sighed and said simply that there is still a difference between imitating Song and being bold.

69. Dog's wish: I really want a bone. When I eat the meat on it, it will grow new meat. Chicken's feeling: Since human invented the clock, my value has plummeted!

70. You are simply wonderful! If you don't understand, you can ask you questions. In case of danger, you can rely on yourself for self-defense and put it in your home for decoration ... You are really a multifunctional and super fat encyclopedia!

7 1, western advertising day, February 16. Dear, I was wrong: I regret it! I repent! I repent! I repent! I repent! I repent! I repent! I repent! I repent! Hehe, love tolerates small mistakes.

72. Being out of print is not a good thing. Nothing is often resurrected. Only these two are trapped, and it is difficult to fly high. Indeed, wealth depends on looks. Well, the lyrics don't mean much. Men get married and find a spouse, and people label them and play with fire! (The first word of every sentence)

73. When dating, the woman broke up, and her boyfriend was in great pain: Alas, I will never get married in my life! Woman: There are many fish in the sea. Someone will suit you! Man: Even people like you don't want me. Who else wants me?

74. In late autumn, fallen leaves dance with the wind; The cold wind makes people feel slightly sad. It really hurts me to see you shivering in the wind. I walked beside you, shyly took off my coat and handed it to you: take it to wash and do something to keep warm.

75. Strange, strange, strange. Today, no one came to steal food. I picked cabbage for my dear. I put down my mobile phone to eat food. Ok, stop reading text messages and stop "baa baa" quickly! Come on, I'll wait for you online. Do contact me!

76. Get my message and save you from the henpecked abyss. If your wife wants you to wear colorful clothes, you can wear a shirt, man. Just keep it simple. If you want to kneel on the washboard, you don't have to. My place. I'm in charge

77. When you flashed by, I suddenly lost myself. Looking at your back, I really want to keep you. I told myself loudly that I couldn't let you go, so I shouted at your back: Stop thief!

78. If you love me, treat me well. If you never loved me, make it clear, I can understand. If you have to ask me if I love you, then I can tell you, in fact … I have never loved you!

79. Please send "love" to 1 1, and you will get a heartfelt love; Please give "love" to 99, and you can reap eternal love; Please send "idiot" to my mobile phone, and you can get a fat meal!

80. I'm afraid of losing you and holding you in my arms. I want you to be with me forever. I feel extremely distressed as soon as you leave. I have such deep feelings for you, I think you will understand me, money!

8 1, dialogue between pig and puppy: Brother Dog, what do you want to do in your next life? Dog: I want to be a man. What about you? Pig: I still like being a pig. A few years later, the dog's wish didn't come true, but the pig learned to read short messages!

82. Your laughter echoed in my ears in the early morning; At noon, your liveliness came to my mind; At night, your vague face appeared in my dream ... so I woke up with a scream! Dress up beautifully next time!

83. When the fat mother applied for the membership card, she said: I am now 29 years old and a few months ... The staff looked at it and said doubtfully: How many months? Fat mother struggled for a long time and said that it has been 66 months. ...

You're working, aren't you? Are you tired? There is one thing that I have been holding in my mind for a long time. After careful consideration, I decided to tell you. What I want to tell you is that … there is still some time before work.

Xiaoming is proud that his father is a great engineer. Xiao Ming: "Do you know the Himalayas? That was built by my father. " Xiaohua: "Do you know the Dead Sea? That was killed by my father. "

86. In the new semester, the teacher announced the classroom discipline: you can have breakfast in class, but you need nutrition and steak; You can sleep, but cover yourself with a quilt; The only thing I care about is the mobile phone, because I will never allow anyone to disturb others' sleep!

87. When the school began to welcome new students, I saw a girl holding something. I hurried forward and said to her, "Come, let me help you carry it." "No, I'll carry it myself." She stood in front of the ATM and said coldly to me.

Seeing that so many people like you, I secretly encourage myself. I must try to pursue you. Approaching you, I finally can't help but vomit … stinky tofu!

89. If you want to clean the house, you should throw away A's old clothes first. B old household appliances; C small things; Old books and magazines. A you have a strong ability to spend money; B you need someone to help you manage your money; C you are a master of financial management; You never waste money.

90. Although you spent the lonely time with me and eliminated my troubles, you also brought me too much harm. After some ideological struggle and the torrent of love and hate, I think you are really not suitable for me. Goodbye! cigarette

9 1, you were really naughty when you were a child! In order to put an end to forest fires, people put up a slogan: "Please don't leave any kindling!" " The next day, the smoker had nothing to hide, and the young couple ran away as soon as they saw it, so you removed the two points of the word "fire"!

92. On an opaque night, a stout man brutally killed and dismembered you! The next day, * * caught him, but the damn guy's charge turned out to be: killing pigs without permission.

On February 2, 1993, I shaved my head quickly, and there was no place for my troubles. On February 2 nd, the dragon looked up, and the rice fat in the big warehouse and the small warehouse flowed; February 2, stir-fried peas, a good sign of rolling financial resources; February 2 nd, eat pig's head, what news are you reading? Hold your head and go!

94. I hope that beauty will stay on your face forever, even if acne flashes like stars in the night sky; I hope you can sing happily, although out of tune is not reliable; I look forward to your lucky company, just like a toad getting the favor of a swan!

95. When a bee meets a butterfly, the butterfly says, "You are so stingy that you don't tell me sweet words!" The bee said, "You are more stingy. You don't send me messages with two antennas on your head!" " "

96. Today, you are really fashionable. You can bring your swimming ring, and butterfly sleeve can show off. You can walk in the street and attract thousands of people to enjoy it. There are lazy sheep in the street. Why don't you go home and hide? Do you remember?

97. Because of your outstanding performance in washing clothes at home, mopping the floor, carrying a big bag when going out, and saving money, on the occasion of March 8th, I hereby award you a "special contribution award" to reward a pair of "wear-resistant" wrist pads and knee pads as an encouragement!

98. Things used by celebrities are called "cultural relics", things used by mortals are called "waste", and things you used can only be called "stolen goods". Although you are neither an official nor an official, who told you that you would get rid of this life and be a dung ball every day!

99. I haven't seen you for many days, and I miss you very much, so I sent a short message to express my feelings of missing you. It's stingy of you not to invite me to dinner after you accept it. If you ignore me, I will be the famous Goubuli steamed stuffed bun in Tianjin! Well, it's up to you!

100 A man in his forties has been pursuing a girl in his twenties for a long time and wrote a letter. Finally, he wrote: "Dear, if you drag on like this, I will delay your youth."

10 1, classic weekend lines: set up a seven-star stove and cook Sanjiang in a copper pot. Spread out the square table and entertain sixteen parties. All the guests came, all by mouth. Laugh when you meet, and don't think about it later. As soon as people leave, the tea gets cold. What's the matter?

102, you are not the wind, I am not the sand, and I will never reach the end of the world; You are not a cigarette, I am not a match, and no matter how you rub it, it will not spark; You are not time, I am not time, and I can't reach the horizon anymore.

103, if you receive this message, you are not an ordinary person, but an ordinary person, you are not an ordinary person. After reading "Ordinary Halo", you are not an ordinary halo. Look, are you ordinary dizzy or abnormal dizzy!

104 patient: I have insomnia; Doctor: These medicines, Huang can dream of Andy Lau; Red can dream of F4; Jeff Chang Shin-Che Shenche's White Dream. Patient: What about me? Doctor: Then you can meet Leslie Cheung.

105. One day, I accompanied my wife to buy a watch. My wife chose a small and smart imported high-end watch, worth 10 thousand. I quickly advised her: "This watch is too thin and your eyes are not good." My wife interrupted me: "As long as others have a good eye."

106. Urgent reminder: There may be tornado weather recently. Be sure to take two dumbbells weighing 10 kg when you go out to avoid being blown to the west by strong winds. Those who weigh less than 50 kilograms must be doubled.

107. I consulted some classics, visited psychologists, naturalists and physicists at home and abroad, and combined with my experiments, I finally found a way to escape the summer, that is: stay in your cool place!

108, reach out when you see the news: stretch out one finger and you will become a millionaire, stretch out two and you will become a billionaire, stretch out three and I will know that you can finally count.

109. It's very hot in summer, and you want to be cool. I'll teach you a secret trick: first raise your hands above your head to let your armpits dissipate heat, then touch the ground with your hands, and finally stick out your tongue to breathe quickly to let your mouth dissipate heat. Do you understand?

165438+ Xiao Ming said helplessly, teacher, there is no way. I'm restricted. As long as you give a lecture, I will fall down.

1 1 1, I am an onion, standing in the rain. Who dares to dip me in the sauce? His ancestor K walked across the south and across the north. I drink water behind the toilet, run over my legs on the train tracks and kiss pigs. what are you reading? Kiss you!

1 12. In order to maintain world peace, international peacekeeping forces will eliminate weapons of mass destruction all over the world on April 1. According to reliable sources, you have been included in the elimination target, code-named "fool" Run away

1 13, in the sea of people, my heart is broken for you. Your cold expression makes me feel dull. Your indifference makes me afraid to show my heart, but I can't extricate myself. Now I want you to understand … you are stepping on my foot!

1 14. Where do users like to turn off their phones? Answer: It's Ningbo! Q: Why? A: "Sorry, the subscriber you dialed is power off ..." I was speechless.

1 15. Dialogue between rice and wooden barrels. Rice: Why not just give me a hug and talk about love for so many years? Do you know how hurt I am? Bucket: I think! But then we will really become useless and have to endure it!

1 16, the bad habit of the pilot driving: the first thought when encountering a red light is to turn around; Don't turn left or right when you want to overtake. Right in front of the car, pull the steering wheel back as soon as you step on the accelerator.

1 17, I ran into you and was at a loss. I can't avoid your affectionate eyes. I know your heart, I tried my best to escape, but you followed me closely. I just cried: Whose dog ran away?

1 18, you must pay attention to: one, two, three. Ah, don't you understand? You will have no education in your life!

1 19. Season with gutter oil, fill your stomach with poisonous rice, paste your mouth with beef sauce, fatten your mouth with lean meat, consume with dyed steamed bread, and let salt dominate your back. After thinking about it, apart from my friends, only I am the most reliable. In short, damn it!

120, I will inform you no matter the day or the occasion: whether you admit it or not, you owe me a dime; Whether you have money or not, you have to pay me back a dime; Whether you give me money or not, you have to leave me a message and pay me back a dime!