Classic joke

The first paragraph of the classic joke:

Break up without consulting

Frye talked about a European girlfriend who met a red light when crossing the street hand in hand. Frye took his girlfriend to run a red light, and her girlfriend shook her hand and said, if you dare to run a red light, you must have done something bad. Breaking up is not negotiable. ?

A year later, Frye made a girlfriend in China. At the red light, the girl grabbed Frye's hand and tried to break in. Frye didn't dare. The girl was very angry. You don't even dare to run a red light. You must be a loser all your life. Breaking up is not negotiable. ?

oval face

There is a beautiful woman on QQ who says she has a oval face, which is very beautiful. The dormitory owner drooled and went out to meet someone?

In the evening, the boss cried as soon as he entered the door: the melon face is right, the key problem is that her tip came up! ?

eyeglasses

One day, there was a long queue in the canteen to make soup, because a girl was fishing in a bucket with a big spoon. All the boys stood behind with pots. However, after a long time, the girl was still fishing. The boy finally couldn't help it and said, it's almost ready. I know it very well. MM gave the boy a hard look back and turned her head to continue fishing. Everyone is jealous? This? Two? How did this happen? At this time, the girl stopped fishing and took a long breath with a pair of glasses full of leaves and soup. I finally caught you.

Make up/make up/make up/make up/make up/configure/make up/make up (a bed)

The female colleague asked the male colleague to give her a ride. When I got to the parking place, my female colleague saw that the motorcycle was broken and rotten, and she couldn't help hurting her male colleague. Come on, that old car must be locked! ?

The male colleague stared at the female colleague and said, Then why are you wearing makeup?

Lack of cooperation

Brother is the main force of the school basketball team, but his exam results are always not very good.

The teacher asked the little brother:? You play football so well, why didn't you pass the exam?

The little brother said:? Someone cooperated when playing basketball, but no one cooperated during the exam. ?

The reason why Yoko is lazy in bed

Mom:? Get up, slacker! Look, the sun is out, and you are still sleeping! ?

Child:? The sun went to bed at 6 o'clock, and I went to bed 10. ?

witty response

In the beauty contest, a young lady was beautiful in appearance, but her speech was not satisfactory. The male host asked:? What is your idea of Prince Charming? The young lady couldn't answer her eyes, but later, she looked back at the man and said, it won't be like you anyway! ?

This statement put the host in an awkward position, but he didn't lose his manners. He paused and bowed to the young lady with a smile. It's good. Thank you! I'm relieved to hear that. ?

Learn to drive

My buddy was learning to drive. One day on the road, there was a sign on the side of the road to lift the speed limit by 40 kilometers (with a 40 diagonal black circle in the middle). The coach suddenly asked his buddy: What is this sign?

The buddy was asked for a moment and said: No parking! ?

The coach stared:? Is this no parking? There is also a 40 in it. What does this mean?

The buddy replied with trepidation: 40 cars are not allowed to stop.

The second paragraph of the classic joke:

Ancient network language

1, the fire at the city gate has affected the fish in the pool? I was shot lying down, too

2. oh! ? Holy shit.

3, it is really unbearable! ? fuck

4, yellow robe and silk counterattack.

5. Peach Blossom Pond is deeper than thousands of feet, not as good as Wang Lun? Good gay friends, for life.

6, black wind and rain hit the cold window? Loneliness, emptiness, cold.

7. Why is this? What is swelling? It is purple.

Unique standard

Practice is the sole criterion for testing truth, mistress is the sole criterion for testing marriage, time is the sole criterion for testing love, tossing is the sole criterion for testing talent, market is the sole criterion for testing products, box office is the sole criterion for testing movies, fans are the sole criterion for testing famous bloggers, and salary is the sole criterion for testing boss's kindness.

Funny thunder language of college life

1, now I finally find out that people who failed in those years always have to pay back? The computer didn't learn well. I can't buy train tickets online! If you don't learn math well, you won't get a mortgage! Chemistry is not good, always eat gutter oil! Communication engineering didn't learn well, and there was always no signal when I bought iPhone 4S!

2. Part I: Ten students, nine of whom were busy preparing for the exam for eight days, got up at seven o'clock, and six parents they didn't know had no five senses. For four pages and three big questions, they finally got two, which made a mess?

The second part: one school, two exam weeks, three tasteless meals and cold winds all around, remember that the five internal organs are exhausted and incomplete. During the seven-week winter vacation, I didn't fail in eight subjects, and finally I was admitted to No.91 Middle School. Is it really hard?

Horizontal batch: Welcome to the university!

Someone else's?

There is a creature that doesn't smoke, drink or watch football games. He earns dollars, euros and Canadian dollars, and knows why the earth is so round. This creature is handsome, strong and eloquent. Love your children, love your wife and listen to your mother-in-law, so that you can get out of the hall and into the kitchen. Spend a day 10 yuan feels very luxurious. Can you buy a suite in five years? Is this one of the top ten people who moved China? Someone else's husband!

She doesn't nag, break bowls, talk about QQ or go out of the wall. She bought a new house in a nice car and raised her husband as a baby. She is ashamed of flowers, and she is smarter than Zhuge Liang. She is Lin Daiyu by day and Pan Jinlian by night. Love your children, love your husband, listen to your in-laws, and you can go to the kitchen under the hall. I only make money for my husband every day, and my husband is sad if he doesn't spend money. Is this one of the top ten people who moved China? Someone else's wife!

He doesn't keep attendance records or deduct wages. He gives subsidies, bonuses and treats employees as gods. He knows astronomy above and geography below. He is the boss and an old friend at the meeting. He loves employees, knows customers and is good at communication. Every day, he only asks employees if their wages will go up, but they will be unhappy if they sayno. He is one of the top ten people who moved China? Someone else's boss!

He works hard, eats grass and drinks porridge. He works hard, working two days a day; To be a market, Weibo becomes Microsoft; God is crazy about making products; To do public relations, sheep fall in love with wolves; Being an administrator is better than being a manager; Doing finance is comparable to the god of wealth; If you pay him, he will learn Lei Feng's spirit for free. When the company went bankrupt, he sold himself out to save his boss! He is one of the top ten people who moved China? Other people's employees!

Xiaokanpangzi

1, I am actually an angel, and the reason why I stay on the earth is because of my weight.

2. My ideal is simple: to have the body of Monkey and live the life of Bajie.

Fat people have only two ways out: either to get better figure or to get better mentality.

4, the motto of the fat man is: where to fall, where to make a hole.

5, life is alive, don't talk about weight!

Youth is like a song.

A buddy at the same table wrote in the graduation guest book:

Sleeping in the upper bunk is the best brother. My favorite person is you at the same table, and the most unforgettable thing is that my brother who sleeps in the upper bunk takes you to the same table.

The third paragraph of the classic joke:

Buy a zipper

A European tourist bought a zipper for sportswear in a shop in Tokyo. He made a long gesture to a salesgirl.

Finally, the salesgirl understood and took out a Japanese knife to prepare for caesarean section.

The premise of buying a car

Seven-year-old Carl is crazy about children's bicycles. He couldn't help shouting when he saw the car. Dad, I must buy one in the future! ?

Dad said: impossible! As long as I live, I won't let you fool around. ?

One day, Carl was playing with the children when he suddenly saw a children's bike passing by. Carl shouted excitedly:? Look, look. How great that car is! I want to buy one too? I'll buy it as soon as my dad dies! ?

Feel embarrassed

In front of the counter selling mobile phones, a beggar holds a mobile phone in one hand and a PHS in the other. In a dilemma

The clerk asked? Sir, do you want to buy a mobile phone or a PHS?

The beggar said inexplicably: I am considering whether to develop my business locally or abroad.

Mate selection condition

The middle-aged uncle who is over 35 years old finally got up the courage to participate in this computer marriage. He put forward four conditions for choosing a spouse: petite and exquisite: not afraid of cold and loving winter swimming; Good health; Good team spirit. ?

A week later, the computer mate selection center finally responded:? Penguin. ?

Buy milk

My girlfriend and I are playing mahjong at a friend's house. She said she was thirsty and asked me to buy a nutrition express. When I arrived at the store, I found that there was no nutrition express. So I bought a box of Telunsu.

I handed her the milk when I came back. She glanced at the milk, then at me, and then threw the milk directly into the trash can.

I asked her why.

She said:? You didn't know I was playing cards? What else can I buy? Can you lose? ! ?

Me:

do poorly in

When I showed my report card to my father, I said, Dad, Edison's grades at school are also very poor. ?

Dad said: ok. From now on, stay in your room until you invent the light bulb. ?

Bubeikeng

A real estate tycoon sent Weibo:? I bought a new pair of shoes and my left foot is blistered. When I took off my shoes, I saw that one was size 37 and the other was size 38. I was cheated by the salesman. ?

A buddy replied:? Haha, don't blame the salesman! One sells the building area and the other sells the measured area. ?

pass test

Health:? Can you see the words on the wall?

Patient:? What word? Where is it?

Doctor? Dad? Put a stamp on the ground and say: You passed the listening test. ?

Confirm death

Two people are hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell to the ground, rolled his eyes and stopped breathing. Seeing this situation, the companion picked up the mobile phone and quickly called the emergency center.

He shouted to the waiter in panic. My friend is dead! What should I do? The waiter said gently, don't be nervous. I'll help you. But you have to convince us that he is really dead. ?

There was silence in the receiver? Then there was a gunshot.

The man picked up the phone again and said, "Well, what's the next step?"

Intuition is accurate

I always thought my parents didn't like me very much until my 17 birthday, when they gave me a bunch of keys. I asked:? Wow! Is it? Cars?

? No, you stay and watch the house? We are going to visit Disney. ?

Smart dog

Xiaoming's dog is obedient and clever. Father asked what 1 Canada 1 was, and the dog barked twice. Asked what two plus two is, the dog barked four times.

One day, the neighbor's children stayed up all night. He said Xiaoming's dog was crazy and barked all night.

Father asked Xiao Ming what happened, and Xiao Ming said, I asked, what is 1000 plus 1000?

A brief meeting

The section chief is going to a meeting. He bent down to look for information in the office drawer and accidentally hit his head on the table.

Holding the bag swollen on his forehead, the section chief walked to the conference room and muttered, Let's have a meeting if there is one. What will happen without notice? .

Inspirational words

One night I wanted to buy snacks, and my mother quickly stopped me and asked me seriously: You are not losing weight, are you?

I said:? Anyway, I have a boyfriend and someone wants it.

Mom looked at me and said a very inspirational sentence: Don't want to change?

Predict like a prophet

Two children are chatting.

A:? Is there really someone in the world who is as unpredictable as Zhuge Liang?

b:？ Why not? My mother is! ?

A:? Really?

b:？ Don't you believe it? I took my report card home yesterday. My mother just glanced at it and said to me, Do you mind if Dad comes back and hits you? Dad came home from work and gave me a good beating. ?

truth

One day karaoke came back and my husband was drunk. I heard that people will tell the truth when they are drunk, so I asked. What are you going to do when you become rich?

Husband:? Take five wives! ?

I'm angry: Why don't you learn from Wei Xiaobao and marry seven?

Husband trance way:? I'm so tired, I need a weekend! ?

Don't freeze to death

My daughter is three years old. Once I called home and my daughter answered.

My daughter said to me in a milk voice. Dad, the weather is getting cold. Remember to add clothes. ?

I was just about to answer? Okay, does dad know? Who knows that my daughter added: Don't freeze to death

Professional love letter

Anne's fiance wrote. The letter reads:? Dear, I miss you very much! Your thick blond curly hair, big light blue eyes, high cheekbones, scars on your right hand, and your height of 1.65 meters always come to my eyes.

Annie's friend read the letter and said, this is really a rare love letter! What does your fiance do?

? He works in the police station and writes about looking for you. ?

stature

At the middle school reunion, the girls in the class teased each other about their looks and figure.

Xiao Li, who is slightly fat, said to Xiaofeng, What do you think of my figure?

Xiaofeng looked her up and down, and solemnly said that it was good. ?

Xiaoli said with a frown, you lied to me. My boyfriend said I have no waist. ?

Hearing this, Xiaofeng immediately said: That's bullshit！ Such a thick waist says there is no waist. ?

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