No one believes that I am a woman.

A fat woman came to a meat stall.

I want to buy four Jin of pork, 725 yuan. "You are really something," said the salesman.

"Just buy five catties!" The fat woman quickly explained, "You don't know,

I'm losing weight. I have lost 4 pounds 725 yuan. I want to see if this is?

What a big piece of meat. "

The factory director said to the new guard:

"You should pay attention to this. Don't let employees smuggle products out of the factory! 」

After work, the doorman carefully checked every employee's wallet, but it was empty.

One day, the guard asked the director curiously.

"What exactly does our factory produce?"

The factory director replied, "leather bag."

There was an accident on the road. ..

Many people gathered around to watch ... a reporter came late ... and couldn't squeeze in. ..

In a hurry .. and then loudly say ..

"I am the father of the injured .. Please let me through! 」

The onlookers really opened a road ... The reporter also took photos of the scene. ..

Win the appreciation of colleagues ..

Another day, another traffic accident happened, and many people were watching. ..

The reporter was late again ... he couldn't squeeze in ... he shouted again ..

"I am the son of the injured .. Excuse me .."

The onlookers did get out of the way again ... the reporter went over and took a look. ..

Oh, my God! The car was run over by a turtle! !

The handsome boy said to his father ..

"I like beautiful girls .. please promise to let us get married! ! 」

Dad looked sad: "I'll tell you the truth ... son." ..

She is the doomed love that your father planted when he was young. ..

She is your sister .. You can't marry her .. "

Handsome boy, after learning about this, he was moping all day. ...

Mom saw it ... she couldn't stand it ... so she told the handsome boy the truth.

"Actually ... you are not your father's own."

Mr. Wu had a sore throat ... When he arrived at the hospital ... The doctor said:

"Your tonsils are inflamed. You'd better get rid of them. "

Half a year later .. Mr. Wu's abdomen hurts again ... After arriving at the hospital ... The doctor said:

"Your appendix is inflamed. Must be cleared. "

A few months later .. Mr. Wu came to see a doctor again ... The doctor asked:

"You are not feeling well again."

Mr. Wu summoned up the courage to say:

"Doctor .. I really dare not say to you .. I have a headache this time! ! 」

In a class in Chenggongling, I saw the soldiers of one class shaking all the time.

The monitor saw it and asked loudly, "xxx, what are you doing?" 」

The class soldier couldn't help saying, "Report to the monitor, student xxx is going to No.1 Middle School."

When the monitor heard this, he shouted unhurriedly: "1, come here, he wants to fuck you." 」

Will you marry me?

Woman: I've known you for a long time. Why do you propose to me now?

Man: Because I am timid and afraid of death ... so. ....

W: Then why do you dare to propose to me now?

M: Because according to statistics, married men live longer than single men! ! !

The apprentice asked, "How do frogs and toads divide?" ? 』

Master replied solemnly, "I'm sorry about the appearance of toad."

This article was told by a friend:

A couple quarreled in a friend's neighborhood, and suddenly a few hours later.

A doctor from a mental hospital came to arrest "Sir"

The gentleman said, I'm not crazy!

The doctor said: every madman also says that he is not crazy.

So the poor gentleman was taken away.

Finally, his son bailed him out,

Presumably, everyone knows who called someone to catch it!

~ hmm ~ this is really a good method. Remember! Remember!

Words: Cao Pi forced Cao Zhi to write a seven-step poem.

Plant: boiled beans ..........................................................................................................................................................................

Tai Shigong said: This word "root" is well written!

Speaking of Battle of Red Cliffs, Cao Cao invaded the south and met Sun Liu's allied troops in Chibi. Cao Cao has historical records.

Cao Cao's sister Cao Zao knew that her sister was excellent in literary talent, so she was sent to do the "literary fight" in the first scene.

Sun Liu sent a lout Zhang Fei to confuse the enemy, so Zhang Fei and Cao Zao confronted each other across the Yangtze River.

When fighting, Cao Yu first compared a "one" and Zhang Fei compared a "three"; Cao Yu drew a big circle, Zhang Fei.

Draw a long "one"; Cao Zao touched his stomach with his hand, and Zhang Fei patted his ass and left.

Cao was left to take a bath over there with a depressed face.

After returning to their respective camps, Cao Cao asked, and Cao Zao said, "I said that Big Brother was invincible, but he said.

Together, the three of them are worse than the eldest brother; I said eldest brother has a large area in the north, but he said

It is difficult to cross the Yangtze River natural barrier; I said big brother was full of classics, and he said it was a nonsense article.

After Zhang Fei returned to camp, he went to see Liu Bei happily and said, "That bitch compared with me and said.

She can do it for an hour at a time, and I said I can do it for three hours; She said her hole was big, and I said mine.

Roots are not small; She was surprised to say that she was going to be pregnant, and I said pat her ass quickly.

Run! Run! ! ! 」

An American businessman came to Taiwan Province to do business, and his boss in Taiwan Province Province asked him to travel around.

After playing golf, a few days later, the boss of Taiwan Province Province asked the American businessman, what do you think of Taiwan Province?

What about the bay? The American businessman said: Hmm! Beautiful scenery is good, but there is one thing.

I don't understand: every time I play golf, my brother scolds him.

The boss of Taiwan felt very strange, so he went to the stadium with him to find out.

I saw my brother set the ball for America, so he turned to America and said:

Serve! ! Please pronounce it in Taiwanese. Hakka pronunciation is more vivid.

"There is a very lazy person who doesn't want to work all day and always complains.

Work is too tired, other colleagues are lazy, still? Do too many things by yourself and so on.

One day, a friend introduced him to a very relaxed job, which was really relaxing.

The job is-graveyard attendant. He asked suspiciously: Is it really easy? friend

It's simple. Just stand there and don't get robbed.

As a result, he did it. Two days later ... he resigned, and his friend asked him: work.

It's simple! What's not satisfactory? He said, it's unfair. I was the only one standing there.

Besides, everyone else is lying down. I resigned. ..............

Once upon a time ~ once upon a time: there was an old man. He likes delicious soup very much.

As long as he doesn't drink for a day, he feels uncomfortable all over. So he calls him every day.

His wife made it for him. Then one day his wife died. Neither did he.

Taste the soup and you can drink it! So he began to let his wife cook. but

No matter how well his wife does, he always puts it aside and says:

It doesn't taste like this. You can cook such terrible soup!

At first, my daughter-in-law always swallowed her words, thinking that all she had to do was cook the taste.

It's good. But as the days passed, she still couldn't do it.

And more and more impatient. Finally, she had a murder. She's going to kill someone.

Her father-in-law But she doesn't know how to do it. She thought and thought. Suddenly.

However, she found a rusty pesticide in the corner. she

Spraying pesticides in seasoning soup. Then summon up the courage to bring it to her.

My father-in-law drinks. I saw her father-in-law shouting, that's the smell! Here it is.

What is that smell!

I once saw a joke:

The wall at the door of a family was scribbled. After the owner had it repainted,

Solemnly engrave the words "Don't write here" on the wall. He thought that since then, he has been calm and carefree.

Unexpectedly, when I got up the next day, I saw five more words "Why did you write first" under the five big characters. Master moment

Unwilling, I immediately put pen to paper and added five words "I wrote my home". One day passed and the master came home from work.

I almost fainted, and there was a line "I want to write to everyone" under fifteen words. At the end of the line, I also drew two little turtles.

Soon after, the wall was restored to its original appearance ... (# $% @&; *#%)。

Coincidentally, this happened to me:

One day after dinner, I carried the garbage to the telephone pole in the alley and discarded it as usual. Only to find someone there.

There is a sign on the telephone pole, which says "No littering here". I think this is probably the one who lives next to the telephone pole.

They published it. I had to go home to ride a motorcycle and find another place nearby to throw garbage. After dinner the next day.

I walked into the alley with garbage, only to remember the notice I saw yesterday. I was about to turn around and found it by accident.

"No" has been painted. It becomes "* * littering here", which makes it more reasonable for everyone to litter.

A day later, the notice was changed to

There's a lot of rubbish here. I think it is too xxx to write such a notice.

When I went out the next morning, the notice had been changed to:

"People who throw garbage here can't cut it when it thunders."

With this kind of life insurance, don't people actively participate?

Two days later, the new notice wrote:

"Throw it here.

The whole family is dead. "

The quiet days lasted only three days. When I passed by at noon that day, I saw three more words in the notice.

"Throw it here.

It won't kill the whole family. "

Cuff them! Can't you just throw away two bags of garbage when you see this?

Finally, the family used the killer, and the notice disappeared. A piece of red paper read:

"Imperial edict $%&; * # # ... (I don't understand) "There is a small incense burner below, with a pile of paper money burning next to it.

I don't know what this bowl of cake is, but it's really weird. No one dares to touch it for a week.

When I came home at dusk on Monday, I saw a bag of garbage beside the telephone pole. I thought there was such a daredevil, so I approached.

At first glance, the red paper on the imperial edict was replaced by a jade photo of the head of state, and the two sides of the photo also read:

"fine weather"

"Peace and prosperity"

Horizontal criticism: "If you work hard, you will win"

True story, "Don't ask me where I come from ..."

Department store broadcast: "Mr. Pig belly, please go to the reception desk on the first floor." Someone is looking for you, .............. "

After a while, no one came to the service desk, so it was broadcast again. .......

Later, a man came, angry and ashamed, and said, "I am Zhu Yuepo. Are you looking for me? " 」

Original: Tupi, Zhu Yue

Can't you stop?

Gambling is bad as long as it involves money, not only in the world, but also in Tianjie.

Thousands of years ago, both male and female dogs were squatting when urinating.

Until the Tang Dynasty ..... Things changed. .....

Everyone has heard of Emperor Taizong! His old man kept a pair of Beijing dogs, and once Emperor Taizong went to bed.

Huashan sacrifices to heaven and takes this pair. ......

Halfway through the sacrifice, the bitch suddenly got anxious and ran under a tree to solve the problem and sacrifice to heaven.

This is a very disrespectful behavior, so it angered the jade emperor, who ordered Lei Gong to hit a thunder.

Just hit the tree, the tree fell down and killed the bitch. The male dog was very scared when he saw it. .....

From then on, every time the male dog urinates under the tree, he will put out a foot and push hard.

Trees, lest trees fall on themselves. ..................

One day, I followed my boyfriend to listen to music in the living room. With the beautiful melody, we couldn't help standing up.

Follow the music left, right, left, right. Just when everything was so beautiful,

I looked into his misty eyes and asked softly, honey, what are you thinking?

Just as I was waiting for him to give me a sweet answer, I saw his sexy lips slowly open:

It's nothing. It's just that I've been spinning around for a long time and my head is really dizzy.

The fortune teller said to a lady

"Your star is shining, and she is going to marry a tall and thin man."

"Well," said the lady, "what about my short and fat husband?"

In the hotel.

A woman has been staring at a nearby gentleman.

This gentleman is embarrassed.

Decided to ask.

He asked politely if they had met there.

"We have never met," she replied, "but you look like my third husband."

"You've been married three times?" He asked.

"No, only twice."

A husband went to the street to buy pants for his wife.

The salesgirl asked his wife what her waistline was.

He didn't know but answered.

"I don't know ... but my family has a 23-inch TV set.

She stood in front ... the whole screen was covered. "

Father:

"You just learned zoology .. do you know why fish only live in water .. instead of on land? 」

Son:

Because there are cats on land.

A man walked into a credit union and paid the last loan for a crib.

"Thank you," said the manager. "How is the child now?"

"oh! ! The man replied, "I'm fine ..."

There are two kinds of women:

The first kind: bad woman! Just like instant noodles-you can eat them in three minutes.

The second type: a good woman! Just like oolong tea-

Xiaoying: Dad ~ I went to Xiaohua's house today and he weighed me ~

Dad: That! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Just the two of you?

Xiaoying: Of course ~

Dad: So you're taking off your clothes and letting him measure it?

Xiaoying: I'm not that stupid! ! I'll put on my clothes first and let him measure it.

After that, I will take off my clothes and let him measure the weight of my clothes, then I can know my correct weight! !

1996 Top Ten Impression Advertisements of CCTV

1) Yin holds a bottle in his hand and tells everyone sadly: "Half-hearted is the death of life", and a group of fake men wearing suspenders are dancing behind him.

2) Two silly girls in overalls are walking in the factory, talking about a kind of cosmetics: "Big baby, not bad, cheap, and enough. Just like the box lunch sold in our hutong, we have been using it. "

After a while, a reporter-like person came over to join in the fun: "Running outside every day, the wind and the sun, looks bad, and I am even more sorry for this face."

3) ZhangFeng yi and Chen Hong are filming a TV series about the underground party. The plot is as follows: a lucky panic? Is this Pu Huanyue waiting for you? Guide thieves to steal cattle from Garden Island? Is the machine responsible for the skeleton? All right. "Women's rights:

"You can have a good dream at night. Have you ever drunk divorce oral liquid? It is the kind of stupid Chinese medicine that has both therapeutic and nourishing effects. " The man asked, "What is it for?" The woman replied, "I can't eat well or sleep well, especially my kidneys."

Virtual. "The man looked disdainful:" This is also a disease. " The woman said, "of course it's a disease, but can't it be cured?" "(There is still a paragraph behind, but the advertising fee given by the manufacturer is not enough, and the TV station does not.

The man warmly shook the woman's hand and said, "Comrade, I can find the party!" " "

4) A group of people from the advertising crew of "National Malnourished Diet" came to the river. On this day, the weather is fine. In order not to make the actor's face shadow in the backlight, the audience sitting on the side held up a white cloth to reflect the light. one

A silly elder sister staggered out and gave everyone a glad eye: "Are you bored to death?"

5) Hu Huizhong, a doddering old man, used the poor cucumber seedling water emulsion, and his face was pitted like orange peel. In order to sue the manufacturer, she ignored the star image.

Stand up bravely and tell everyone: "If you want to be like me, be dumb."

6) A fat man with a towel on his shoulder and a cup in his hand is talking to someone in the yard: "It's not fucking affordable to follow the fashion. I used to be an old manager and never washed my mouth, so my teeth are good, my appetite is good and my body is twice as good. "

Great. Is it delicious? I've had bad luck since I started brushing my teeth. You asked me what brand of toothpaste I used, and you were right. Blue Sky Six is dead. "

7) Cheng Fangyuan performed in a pharmaceutical factory. After a song "Applause" sounded, a group of employed men and women rushed forward to offer flowers, asking for warmth, and a little girl of four or five years old was held by adults.

She seems to have some special functions in order to show her love. Sensing that Cheng Fangyuan was ill, she handed a pack of medicine: "Auntie, protect your teeth!" " "

This is an elegant concert. The young female violinist was absorbed in playing the cello, but no one could imagine that she was seriously ill and people were intoxicated with the music. Female piano player

I got warm applause from the audience. Tears welled up in her eyes with excitement. She couldn't bear it any longer. She stood up and told the audience what she had suffered: "This is my second day, and even my best friend didn't send it."

Now The next day, everything depends on kotex. "

9) A 12-year-old girl imitated Martin Luther King and gave a speech entitled "I have a dream". There are no blacks in China, and obviously there is no racial discrimination against blacks. They are from China.

There is no home theater in the park.

10) With the care of superior leaders and the leadership of party committees at all levels, a winery finally developed a new product, which not only filled the domestic gap, but also made China the second in the world.

The countries that have mastered this technology have completely changed the single variety of China's national wine, throwing the hat of China's wine poverty theory into the Pacific Ocean. So the manufacturer announced to the world with great excitement.

B: "China people have XO from China!"

Pigs and cats

The husband drank too much again and came back late.

When he entered the room, he saw his wife's stern eyes.

Very uncomfortable, I gently walked to the sofa and lowered my head to tease the kitten.

The wife said, "Hey, what's the point of you being with that stupid pig?"

The husband immediately smiled and replied, "honey, this is a cat!" " "

Without looking at him, the wife said, "I'm asking the cat, who talked to you?"

Mother and daughter

The mother was very angry with her daughter. "This is the modern young people!" She said to her friend.

"I made a boyfriend when I was 0/6 years old, but I forgot my mother's 32nd birthday!"

Get out if you can't move your back.

When I go home on holiday, my classmates will see me off. A boy helped me with my luggage,

Although there are balls under the luggage, the luggage is heavy and big.

I saw the boy struggling to carry his luggage, so I said to him, "Get out if you can't move your back!" "

The boy put down his luggage and looked at me angrily.

I paused and explained to him, "I mean the wheel!" " "

Scarlet fever infection

A man called a doctor:

"Doctor, my son has scarlet fever."

"I know. I went to see him yesterday, and you happened to be out. Just isolate him and don't contact his family. "

"Well, you don't know, he kissed the maid."

"Unfortunately, she must also be quarantined."

"But I kissed her again, doctor."

"That's not easy. You may also be infected. "

"Yes, but then I kissed my wife."

"What?" The doctor shouted, "Then I may be infected, too."

You can't shoot it with one hand.

A friend asked Tom, "Why don't you get married?"

Tom replied, "It takes two hands to applaud. What's the use of my anxiety alone? "

Later, Tom finally got married, and his friends asked him what he thought. His neighbor first replied:

"I hear slaps every day."

Excessive concern

A rich man gave a concert in his villa, and all his friends and acquaintances were here.

The hostess asked the famous tenor to sing a lyric song.

"I'd love to," said the singer, "but it's too late.

I'm afraid your neighbors will say that we will affect their rest. "

"That's better!" The hostess exclaimed excitedly, "They deserve it. Last night,

Their dog is still barking under my window and won't let us sleep ... "

extramarital affair

"The wedding passion has faded." A complains to B. ..

"Then why not have something exciting, such as an affair or something?" Yeah, a suggestion.

"What if my wife knows?"

"What age is this? Just tell her."

So A went home and said to his wife, "Dear,

I think extramarital affairs will make us love each other more. "

"Give up this stupid idea," said the wife.

"I tried-it didn't work at all!"

My daughter (Grade One) loves her work very much and has learned to do simple housework. One day when I came home, I found her making glutinous rice balls alone, and the plate was already very high.

More than twenty. Just as she was about to praise and encourage, she accidentally dropped jiaozi on the ground. She immediately got under the table, picked it up and put it on the plate.

I was shocked: "Don't drop anything! 」

She smiled and said, "Never mind, everyone fell to the ground. 」

One day, three people went to the edge and met a fairy. The fairy saw the three men and each made a wish, but she had to make a wish and jump off the cliff. Cliffs are low in the sea, but they don't.

There is danger. The first person began to make a wish. He stopped Qian Qian from jumping off the cliff. As a result, he was really wrapped in silver paper The second man jumped as soon as he saw it come true.

Cliff shouted "goldgoldgold", and as a result, he was covered in gold like the first man. When the third person saw that the first and second people could realize their wishes, he couldn't wait to jump down at once.

Cliff, but when he fell off the cliff, the situation was hooked by a branch. He shouted "OhSHIT!" So, he is covered in shit!

A countryman came to the city for the first time and walked into a department store. In the corridor, he saw an old lady walk into a small house. As soon as the light was on and the door was closed, the old lady disappeared instantly. a few minutes

Later, when the door of the house opened, a beautiful lady came out.

The countryman opened his eyes wide and said in surprise, "If I had known this, I would have brought my wife earlier. 」

"Ah! Look, a passerby said to an old man, when I passed by, your son hit me with this big stone. 」

"Did he hit you with a stone? 」

"Fortunately, no .."

"That what you said is not my son. 」

A man was accused of stealing a watch, but there was no evidence. He had to leave the court, but the criminal still stood in the court.

"You are not guilty, let's go! 」

"forgive me, judge," the man replied, "but ... do you mean I don't have to return my watch? 」

Most magazine editors are very willing to serve readers. However, the editor was at a loss when he received a letter. Editor: I read an interesting article last year, at least I thought it was.

It was published in your magazine, but I can't remember the name, because I lost my notes about this article and forgot its title. I can't find this magazine. If this article is published in your magazine,

Please send me a supplementary copy ... "

The wife thought the doctor's bill was too expensive, and the doctor reminded her, "Don't forget, I came to your house eight times when your son had measles." 」

She retorted, "Don't forget, it was my son who infected measles to all the students in the school. 」

The gynecologist said to a middle-aged woman who has been infertile for many years and is eager to have children: "Don't worry, you will have children. Even if not, your daughter will have children. 」

A man who lost his way in the deep mountains, after three days and nights of wandering, finally saw a wisp of kitchen smoke. He ran excitedly and saw a ragged man baking a mouse on the ground to eat.

He threw away his backpack and shouted, "Thank God, I lost my way for three days and nights, and finally met someone. 」

The man was also shocked, but said in dismay, "friend, slow down and be happy." I've been fascinated for six days and nights. 」

His father recalled his childhood: "It was really good then. It's nice to catch cicadas in the wild, shrimp in the stream and sleep on the grass all day. " 」

The child opened his eyes and listened attentively, and suddenly he cried with a wow.

"What's the matter?" Father asked in surprise.

"I don't want it! Why don't you take me with you! Wow ... "The child is still crying.

Once, when I was traveling by bus alone, a young girl asked me if I could sit next to me, and I couldn't help being happy. We hit it off quickly, and she told me shyly that she was the first.

Next trip: [My mother asked me to sit next to someone I think is reliable. I think you really look like my father! So I'm relieved. ]