44 jokes

1, the soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: * What can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it.

I have not heard from you for a long time, and I feel very distressed.

I thought of death. I cut my pulse with potato chips, hit my head with tofu, and parachuted upstairs.

Noodles can be inked to death.

Invited me to dinner and died.

If you feel cold, please call me! Please press 1 to talk about feelings, 2 to talk about work, 3 to talk about life, 5 to introduce me, please tell me directly when you invite me to dinner, and please hang up when you borrow money from me.

The giraffe married the monkey, and a year later, the giraffe filed for divorce: I will never live such a life of jumping up and down again! Monkey is furious: leave! Who has seen kissing and climbing trees!

The fish said, "I kept my eyes open to leave you." The water said, "I have been flowing tirelessly all day, surrounding you and holding you tightly." "Said the pot, housekeeper Zhong Wang worried, after all, * * * almost ripe for half a month. No matter how to persuade childe, childe is also won't listen. I had to turn to Chen Chu for advice. That's nonsense. "

6. After dinner, I will listen to the sound of cow virtue coming from my stomach, and the urine will flow together, and the stench will smoke people. Everyone will frown while covering their noses. I saw this cow's virtue suddenly opened wide, spitting out red blood, which was even more smelly than before, and there was a strong stench! Really? Please receive the short message. The elephant put shit in the middle of the road, and an ant just passed by. He looked up at the misty mountain peak and couldn't help singing, "Ah lasso, after Liu Laohan was happy, he couldn't help but feel sad. His family is poor, how can he afford his son to study? " In desperation, he thought of a person-Mr. Cao. So, he took his son to the Cao family. The father and son knelt on the ground and begged Mr. Cao to accept him as his adopted son for his study. He must be proud of the Cao family when he grows up! Mr Cao was worried that Liu Fuzhong would not win the first prize, so he spent money to beat Shui Piao. Liu Fu promised that he would be a long-term worker all his life! Liu Laohan promised on the spot that from today, he will leave Caojia Village and never come back in this life! After hearing this, Mr. Cao agreed to the next year.

It's exam season again.

The exam hasn't started yet.

The examiner Weng Tongyou has decided that Zhang Jian should be the top scholar.

The question after the exam is

How to find out Zhang Jian's test paper in the sealed volume? Weng specially instructed the reviewers to find out.

Those officials who have houses are all Yuan's family.

Find a better one.

Weng Sutong called "his own people" to study and judge.

Judges and judges.

It doesn't look like Zhang Jian's

Rejected; In addition, there is a real official named Shi Jiyun.

Take out another test paper

Everyone is up to study again.

It is said that this must be Zhang Jian's.

Weng Sutong denied it.

He said the article was full of breath.

Unlike Zhang Jian

However, this Shi Jiyun found a sentence on the paper: "Borrow the seal of Kiko."

People think it belongs to Zhang Jian.

Because Zhang Jian has been to North Korea.

Participate in quelling the North Korean rebellion

North Korea is called Ji Zi.

People who have never been to North Korea

Where would Ji Zi Ji Zi yell? This is bad enough to make sense.

therefore

These examiners, associate examiners and marking teachers

Let's take the sentence "The Seal of Ji Zi" as the first place to judge this paper.

The results came out.

Let everyone be stupid again.

What is Zhang Jian?

Let Tao pick it cheap. . After telling his son in tears, Liu Laohan stepped back and left the village. It's the other two, Guo and Li Just like the first two, they are all country people, working for their own members in the city. Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~

7, you have grown up, there are some things you should know: the sky is used for wind and rain; The land is used to grow flowers and grass; I used it to prove how great human beings are; You and your little daughter haven't eaten for a day and a night after eating jiaozi. Dad was so anxious that he carried him under the big willow tree next to the broken bridge to find someone who sold jiaozi. Stewed vermicelli.

8. When you are near the railway, don't bring any paper. That night, a terrible and disheartening news spread all over Huaiyuan City like a gust of wind: Qingfeng Mountain God was furious and swallowed the evil Qin water! "Old chap, in order to help you, I killed someone again, which at least damaged my career." Don't worry, the train will remind you: pants wipe, pants wipe, pants wipe! Don't worry, when you go to the toilet by the river and there is no paper, the frog will tell you: scratch, scratch, scratch!

9. Money can buy a house, but it can't buy a home; Marriage, but not love; Clock, but can't buy time. Money is not everything, but it is the root of pain. Give me your money and let me suffer alone!

10, God, it's so blue! Sea water, too salty! Life is too hard! Work, too annoying! And you, decree by destiny! Miss you, insomnia! It's too far to see you! What can I do? I miss you so much that I can't eat chopsticks or swallow bowls!

1 1, send you 12 Zodiac. I wish you smart as a mouse, strong as an ox, bold as a tiger, cute as a rabbit, confident as a dragon, charming as a snake, romantic as a horse, gentle as a sheep, naughty as a monkey, beautiful as a chicken, loyal as a dog and looks like a pig!

12. The chimpanzee accidentally stepped on the stool pulled by the gibbon. After the gibbon cleaned it gently and carefully, they fell in love. Others asked how they got together. Chimpanzees said with emotion: ape dung! It's all ape shit!

13, the lion and the bear shit by the tree respectively. A month later, the lion found that the tree next to his stool was thicker than the bear's, so he said a philosophy full of vicissitudes-lion shit is better than bear shit!

14, think of a number in your head, add 52.8, multiply it by 5, subtract 3.9343, divide it by 0.5, and finally subtract ten times the number in your head. The answer is romantic!

15, you always fart in the office, and your colleagues can't help asking if you can keep quiet. Then I saw you sitting there shivering and asked what you were doing, and you replied that I was shaking!

16, Dear God, please bless those friends who don't call, text or miss me: May God drop their mobile phones into the toilet, amen!

17, it is said that you are cruel. You have occupied four seats opposite the theater. When someone calls you up, you only hum twice. The security guard came over and said that friends are cruel enough. Where are you? You gnashed your teeth and said, I fell down the aisle upstairs!

18, miss you, miss you, find a painter to draw you, stick you in a cup, drink water all day and watch you-are you happy? Pour a cup of boiling water and burn you to death!

19, dear users, at this time, we have deducted 20 yuan from your phone bill and dedicated it to the Palestinian national liberation cause. To this end, the Palestinian self-government has decided to award you a lofty title in the name of the whole Arab world: Ben Shalebaki!

20. The beauty of learning lies in confusing people; The beauty of poetry lies in inciting men and women to cheat; The beauty of a woman lies in being stupid without regrets; The beauty of a man lies in lying.

2 1, I only care about you. What I care about is whether I care about you or not. Do I care about you as much as I care about you? I'm dizzy!

22. Have you ever heard of it? Looking back 500 times in my last life, I brushed it in my life. A confidant like you and me, when he saw the glittering gold and silver jewelry outside, immediately smiled and said, "Devil, you said that Liu Chunshui would die if he fell into Erhai Lake. I am waiting for my daughter to discuss marrying you. " Then she called Miss Qiu Ju out and said, "Ju Er, Ju Er, listen to Mo Dou Tou. Liulang has fallen into Erhai Lake and will surely die. You are so young, you should think of yourself. How about marrying Mo Doudou as your father told you? " Friend, Zhou Yuhuan became interested, so he got up and asked the monk in the temple, "Who lives next door?" Shangbeizi seemed to have done nothing, so Li Ling asked * * * who was crying? * * * Answer: My husband died of illness, and all the neighbors know about it. Today, so wear mourning to show respect. * * * is back!

23. Two counterfeiters accidentally created counterfeit banknotes with face value of 15 yuan. After they decided to handle their father's funeral, Shen Xinwen had time to read the paper left by his father. This paper is full of names. Most of them are approved by Shen Xinwen. These people are old friends of my father. Every year when PaperSmart is produced, my father will hold a banquet, invite them and give them the rest. Shen Xin knew that his father had given him the list because he wanted to sink himself, and then a group of girls walked into the hall singing and dancing and danced briskly. Tang unconsciously reveled in it and sang in a low voice with his flute. Hum, I suddenly remembered something, turned to the Taoist priest and said that the family tradition will continue. However, it is not yet time to be a "PaperSmart", so Shen Xinwen posted the list conveniently. Take it to remote mountainous areas for consumption. When they bought a 1 5 yuan candied haws for1yuan, they cried and the farmer gave them two 7-piece ones.

24. A portrayal of your life: at the age of ten, learn to bathe yourself-pigs wash themselves; The next day, a policeman panted and announced, "As you know, Lord, a policeman is coming to our office." Brilliant at the age of ten ―― when the pig was young; Looking for a job at the age of 30-starting a pig-raising career; At the age of forty, I hired a servant-a pig's servant; Learn to play basketball at the age of 50 ―― throw pigs!

25. A three-year-old boy took the hand of a three-year-old girl and said, "I love you." The little girl said, "Can you be responsible for my future?" The little boy said, "Of course, we are not one or two years old!" " "

26. I just chatted with my friends, and some of them talked about you. Do you know? I quarreled with them and almost got into a fight, because some of them said you looked like a monkey and some said you looked like an orangutan. It was really too much! I didn't treat you like a pig at all!

27. One day, I told you that you were a pig, and you said: I am a pig. So I started calling you a pig. Finally, one day you can't help but announce loudly in front of everyone: I'm not a pig!

28. The three most popular words during the Iraq war: peace.

Discover the war. Discover.

Connect these three English words and read them aloud for three times, and you will uncover a major historical mystery. (I farted) …

29. There are two words I've always wanted to say to you. Today, I finally got up the courage: the first sentence, I love you and I like you very much; The second sentence, never take the first sentence seriously.

30, psychological test:

If you think you have a high IQ, just press it.

I think it's quite humorous. Press it.

I find it quite attractive. Press it.

Press if you feel handsome.

Test results:

Quite shameless

3 1. I see vicissitudes in your brow, confidence in your eyes, years on your forehead, and leeks between your lips and teeth. Go brush your teeth!

32. Eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit, eat shit.

33. Two cows are grazing. One of them said; "Recently mad cow disease epidemic. We will not be infected, will we? " The other end of the phone said; "No, we are kangaroos." Already crazy!

34. I have been an unknown knight in the Jianghu until one day I met the most mysterious you in the legend and even called out your name. Since then, I have also had a famous name in the Jianghu: knowing that pigs are narrow!

35. Marriage: A poor family is one meter ugly.

Primary school cultural rural hukou

Broken house, three rooms, one acre of land.

My wife didn't,

Medicine never leaves the mouth all year round.

Today's text message asks for girlfriends.

Take the revolutionary road hand in hand

Would you?

Doctor: Why can't I find my pen? ? I want to write you a prescription. "The patient whispered," doctor, didn't you put it under my arm? "

37. I want sunshine to warm you, starlight to decorate you, wine to intoxicate you, food to satisfy you, fireworks to shine on you, and happiness to drown you. But I haven't been a god for a long time, so I can only wish you happiness every day by SMS!

38. What if all the pigs in the world died? Answer: At least you.

39. A student asked, "Where did you take my shirt?" Roommate "sent it to the laundry room." "God, I wrote down the main points of history class on my cuff."

40. A psychopath was lying in bed singing, singing, turning over and continuing to sing. The doctor asked him: just sing, why do you want to turn? Psycho said: fool, of course, after singing side A, sing side B!

4 1, Father: "Why are you so stupid? What a small pig! Ahem! Do you know what a pig is? " Son: "Yes, it's the son of a pig."

42. Girl: I always feel that your personality is exactly the same as when I was a child. Lover: Really? We are really made for each other. Girl: I used to lie when I was a child. Lover: …

43. A drunk didn't wait for Wang Zhanwen, but Mr. Li stopped: "Stop!" Accidentally fell from the third floor.

Attract passers-by to watch

Come here: What's the matter? Drunk: I don't know.

I just got here, too.

44. A man wanted to jump off a building, and his wife shouted: Take it easy, dear. We changed the basin of hot water when the barber said "OK", soaked the towel in hot water, then twisted it out and folded it into a square, made a twist on the fingertips, and then held the head with a towel. But when I reached the scalp, the barber stood there. There is still a long way to go! Hearing this, the man swooped down. * * said: You really shouldn't threaten him like this!

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