If you divorce and move out, don't make it up (don't try to make it up)

What impresses you is often two things:

One is when there is no money and extreme poverty;

There is also when you put a lot of feelings into it but don't return it (such as being dumped and cheating).

People with problems are often looking for people with problems. I've met many people whose marriages have failed:

People who divorce because of cheating will still encounter cheating after their second marriage;

If you are derailed, you will be derailed if you remarry. Even if you change partners after divorce, you will be derailed.

Finding a partner after divorce is still domestic violence.

It's not that I haven't met happy people after divorce, but that all the people who came to me after cheating were unhappy people in marriage. I saw that most couples divorced after cheating, and the result of remarriage was exactly the same as the last marriage.

In these people, there seems to be a reincarnation. In a few years, they divorced again and again, married twice, married three times and even married four times for the same reason. No matter how your partner changes, the ending is always the same.

Are these people really destined to be widowed, lonely and miserable all their lives? Deserve that they don't have a happy marriage?

Actually not, marriage is the result of a choice!

You will choose who you are!

If you are not a problem person, how can you choose a problem person every time?

(once it was bad luck, twice it was bad luck, which is unknown. What about three times? )

The more painful it is after being derailed, the tighter it is tied by marriage! Anyone who feels pain after cheating and can't get rid of it is a person who is tied too tightly by marriage.

Because they have the strength to break away from the derailed spider web, they have long chosen to divorce. Only those who are reluctant to part with each other and can't let go of this marriage will be trapped in the black hole of derailment forever and can't climb out.

If I had the courage to divorce, I would have divorced long ago. So you don't have to jump out and accuse them of cheating. Why not get a divorce?

Be more tolerant and allow different voices to exist. Everyone's situation is different, some people can easily let go of a marriage, and some people are integrated with this marriage all their lives!

But existence does not mean rationality, and no one should stick to another person.

When we got married, we were independent.

When we continue to live because of marriage, we should also be an independent identity!

Do something wrong and cheat, don't make up for it, don't make up for it! Afa and Ahua are a representative couple I have received.

(To protect privacy, the real name has been hidden)

It was her husband Afa who cheated. Although Ahua was angry at her husband's betrayal, she finally chose to forgive. However, marriage didn't improve with Ahua's forgiveness. On the contrary, the relationship between husband and wife is getting more and more alienated.

So the couple came to me together and asked me for help.

Whenever I ask Afa, "What do you think?" Or "A Fa, how do you feel now?"

His wife, Ahua, couldn't wait to answer for him: "He is not bad now. He must think so, honey?"

Afa wooden nodded.

But I obviously saw that Afa's expression was unnatural, and she pressed her lips tightly. I know these thoughts are probably not Afa's real thoughts, so I have to interrupt Afa's behavior.

I said to Ahua, "You must find a way to get Afa to express his opinion, but in a low voice. You can't make decisions for him, and you can't always express your opinions for him and let him try to express his ideas. "

I know, because their relationship is too close, I have to let them sit separately, otherwise Afa, as a cheater, will never have a chance to express his thoughts in this marriage.

Don't think it's good for husband and wife to be close after extramarital affairs. On the contrary, the closer the relationship, the bigger the problem.

"Destiny takes a hand" is actually a kind of nonsense. After a while, although Ahua still wanted to express her opinions for her husband from time to time, I interrupted her in time. It can be seen that Afa is getting more and more relaxed. From the silence at the beginning, he became more and more willing to talk.

I asked Afa and Ahua, "What is the reason why you are together?"

Both of them were silent: "Maybe it's destiny takes a hand. When I saw him, I thought I would marry him in the future. When he was derailed, I was not surprised. It seems that I have long expected him to be derailed. "

This is not the first time I have heard the phrase "destiny takes a hand". Is it really meant to be?

I think this is bullshit!

If everything is destiny takes a hand, just find a fortune teller to make a divination. Cheating is cheating. Don't blame fate for the failure of marriage. The outcome of marriage is more the result of repeated choices between husband and wife.

There is a certain attraction between husband and wife, but the principle of backward compatibility and upward incompatibility applies wherever it is placed. There will never be much difference in mental maturity between husband and wife.

This is also called "birds of a feather flock together, and people are divided into groups".

Mature people will marry people with mental health, and people with mental defects will marry people who can meet her shortcomings.

For example, a person who has been taken care of by irresponsible parents since childhood is likely to marry an over-responsible person when he grows up; A weak person is likely to marry a strong leader.

The reason for this is that most people actually get what they want in marriage, which is why some couples are miserable because they cheat every day, but this is why they don't divorce. Aggressive personality is used to aggressive and flattering personality, and flattering personality is used to aggressive personality to stand up for itself.

When there is a crisis in marriage, such as cheating or betrayal, it is actually a manifestation of the abnormal development of this abnormal marriage relationship. At this time, no matter how you repair your marriage, no matter how you do to save or make up for your cheating partner, you have not touched the core of the problem.

That is to say, you husband and wife need to establish new rules to regain their spiritual growth and make up for their personality defects.

Otherwise, no matter how many marriages you start, you will find a partner of the same nature because of your personality shortcomings, and then ruin your life again.

Although people may not realize this when choosing a spouse, in the eyes of professionals, this choice mode is very predictive.

This is what I have been suggesting:

Instead of trying to solve the affair, or deciding whether to divorce?

It is more important to let the derailed marriage return to frank communication!

Establishing a "frank" relationship between husband and wife is far more important than urgently solving the problem of cheating.