What is Liu Yiwei's joke?

1, half a bar of soap

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A Shanghai audience wrote that he wanted to appeal to the relevant departments to grant a restaurant the title of advanced sanitary unit. Indeed, there are really not many restaurants that can eat half a bar of soap in their dishes now.

2. Generation gap

The generation gap is getting worse. A mother was very angry with her daughter: this is the modern young man! 16 made a boyfriend, but forgot my mother's 32nd birthday.

Step 3 get sick

Today's children are sensible early, and so is Wu He. One day, her mother was sick and tired, lying in bed and saying that she couldn't cook. Wu rolled up her sleeve and said, mom, I'll help you to the kitchen!

4. Female secretary

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According to some data, the secretarial industry in Shanghai is very unpopular now. There are actually 68 people competing for a position. It is not easy to be a secretary, especially a female secretary. Somehow, unlike other industries, no boss wants a female secretary with work experience.

5. Puzzle program

I watched a quiz show the day before yesterday and a funny thing happened. One player successfully broke through the first five levels and came to the last level. In front of him is 200,000 cash and two questions. The host asked the contestants to answer both questions. Which one do you choose first?

(Offstage: The second lane. )

The second way, right? Ok, please listen to the question. When did this happen? !

6. Kissing scene

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As a host, I have met many friends in the entertainment circle. I'll also go to their shooting place when I have time. I often pay attention to the extras on the set.

Not long ago, I went to a studio, and the director was talking to the extras: There is a kissing scene behind, will you play it?

The extra actors are very happy: action, action, action.

The director turned back: Tian Gong, bring the dog here!

7. Tian's son-in-law

When we watched the Romance of the Three Kingdoms before, we saw Zhuge Liang bickering with others to discuss who was the son of heaven. Today, we ask this question again: Who is Tian's son? Who is God's daughter? Who is the son-in-law of God?

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The answer is this. My son calls me Cai because I was born Cai. Tian's daughter is called a beauty, because as the saying goes, she is born with beauty.

(Offstage: What about the son-in-law that day? )

Cai Xiao, don't talk nonsense when you shouldn't.

God's son-in-law, you don't know? Jet Li, because his wife is Nina Li Chi.

8. Outside the service area

Since Monkey King Thrice Defeats the Skeleton Demon, he was sent back to his hometown by Tang Priest. Words, one day, Tang Priest met a monster on the way to the west. Facing two incompetent disciples, Tang Priest was saddened, remembering that the Monkey King, the great disciple, had been driven away by him. He shouted to the sky:

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(voiceover) Wukong, come and save the teacher. (Echo: Ah-ah)

After a quarter of a column of incense, there was this voice:

(Telecom reply) The subscriber you dialed has stopped, beeping. ...

9. Improvised poetry

Cai Xiao's birthday is really beautiful. Besides the puppy, she also received various greeting cards, small toys and stationery. Anyway, they are warm and precious gifts, none of them. No one wants to spend money for Cai Xiao. It was a failure. Fortunately, at dinner, the editor-in-chief Pangpang wrote an impromptu poem, which comforted Cai Xiao's injured young heart.

The full text of this poem is as follows:

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O sea, you are all water;

Good horse, you have four legs;

Love is mouth to mouth;

Cai Xiao, your Mandarin is not as good as Liu Yiwei's.

10, thief

Some time ago, I stayed up late to record the program, and a thief came into my house. My wife was at home and didn't care to turn on the light when she heard something. She got out of bed, grabbed a broom and hit it. Beat and scold: I told you to come back so late, but I didn't call, so you could learn from Yan Shouyi ... Oh, think of the thief as me.

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This beating made the thief cry and cry, and there was no way to call for help.

The neighbor listened and called the police 1 10. Soon, the police came Seeing the police, the thief burst into tears and rushed to hold the hand of the policeman: thank you for saving his life.

1 1, in a meeting.

A football club held a membership meeting, and the players talked to themselves below, which was out of order.

The club leader had to say loudly: whoever speaks again, get out at once! Nobody cares.

The leader was in a hurry and roared: whoever speaks again will be deducted from his salary!

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This trick is not very useful either. Only a few people shut up.

The leader was at a loss, only to see the coach unhurriedly stand up and say, Alas! If any of you talk again, don't take him to bars and nightclubs tonight! There was a moment of silence in the meeting.

12, wait for the subway.

Cai Xiao once went to a female colleague's house. Colleagues complained to him: everything in our house is fine, except that it is built right above the subway. Every day when the subway passes by, even the bed vibrates, just like an earthquake.

Cai Xiao don't believe it, you have to try lying in bed. Just as the husband of a female colleague came back, Cai Xiao quickly explained: Believe it or not, I'm waiting for the subway.

13, chef's certificate

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Just at the door, I met a man and asked me if I wanted to apply for a permit. Certificate? Growing up, I really didn't lack any certificates. This guy looked up and said, Hey, are you Liu Yiwei? I said yes, yes, yes, that's me. He can spin well: do you need a chef's license?

14, Hu

When we first discussed this program, our producer had an idea. He said that this program is hosted anyway, so it is better to add his name to the name of the program and call it "Night Tan Zai". This is easy for everyone to remember, and it also reflects our people-oriented thinking.

At first, I thought, well, that's good. It's an honor. Until one day I went to the program group, the advertising department was negotiating the naming rights of the program with customers. As soon as I heard the product names of those two customers, I was frightened.

According to their meaning, it is very likely that the opening remarks in the future will say: Hello everyone, welcome to the night beach in Antarctica, not bad. Another person has to say: hello, everyone, welcome to Hu's night tan, I'm done.

My colleagues in the advertising department saw that I looked pale and felt heavy, and said that it was better to switch to a foreign customer to avoid this or that meaning in Chinese.

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Later, they said that they were trying to get the most famous enterprises in the world to name the project. As soon as I heard it, I was unambiguous about what foreign words were. This is complete nonsense. Listen to the opening remarks: Hello, welcome to Microsoft Night Tan. God, it's not as good as the first two.

Cai Xiao went to the toilet.

With the continuous broadcast of our program, Cai Xiao was often brought into the program to talk about things because of his strange and unusual thinking and behavior. Gradually, this image was remembered by many audience friends.

After recording the program last night, all the colleagues in our program group went to the restaurant for dinner. On the way, Cai Xiao went to the toilet. When he came back, he found his trouser legs wet and asked what was going on.

Cai Xiao said, Oh, you're welcome. Since the broadcast of Oriental Night Tan, it has happened frequently. When you go to the toilet, the person next to you will suddenly turn around-hey, aren't you from Oriental Night Tan? You need to practice your Mandarin. ...

16, same surname in love

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When I went to my sister's house two days ago, my little niece saw me and asked, Uncle, why did you stutter when you visited Liu Zi? I said I didn't stutter. She said: I know why, because you like her. You see, this is so unfair to me. The child is still adamant: Uncle, you can't like Liu Zi. I said yes, I don't like her, I have a wife. Do you know what she said: You are both surnamed Liu. To like her is to fall in love with the same surname. Well, she also invented a word of her own.

17, idiot

Someone asked me: What does the word idiot mean? It's really hard to jump to conclusions.

Before recording the program, I overheard some conversations between Pangpang and Cai Xiao, which may help you understand the word.

Pangpang and Cai Xiao play games, make a bet and guess how much money Pangpang has.

I only heard Xiao Pang say, Cai Xiao, guess how much money I have in my pocket now, and I'll give you 90 yuan.

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Little Caiyi was overjoyed and said, Let me try. I guess ... you have 70 yuan on you.

18, if it is crowded.

Our editor-in-chief, Xiao Pang, celebrated his birthday a few days ago. Why am I so unreliable? It was Pisces. The program wanted to order a cake for him, and Cai Xiao went to the cake shop.

The waiter asked him, sir, what words were left on the cake? Happy birthday, Pangpang, said Cai Xiao.

The waiter asked again: do you need to leave anything else?

Cai Xiao thought for a moment and said, I hope he can get into the top of the company as soon as possible, if it can be squeezed. Cai Xiao is worried that so many words can't be written on the cake.

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It's finally time to blow out the candles. Everyone is very happy to open Cai Xiao's cake. At first glance, it says: Happy birthday, Pangpang. I wish you an early entry into the top management of the company! If you can squeeze.

19, marriage certificate

Cai Xiao: Hello, I'd like to make an appointment to get a marriage certificate tomorrow.

Liu Yiwei: OK, did you have a premarital check-up?

Cai Xiao: Yes, her father runs a company, and his family has a house and a car.

Liu Yiwei: Hey, I want to go to the hospital for a checkup!

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Cai Xiao: Er ... (hesitates, sorry) I also checked. It is a boy.

Liu Yiwei: What a mess! Cai Xiao, next time you are a child care worker, please be professional.

20, shy

A recent random telephone survey of local residents in Beijing, Shanghai and Guangzhou shows that Shanghainese are very shy. Isn't it? I know that in our Shanghai, a daughter asked her mother: Was Dad shy before? Mom said: If he wasn't shy, you would be at least four years older now!

In the moonlight

A long time ago, in a beautiful moonlight, there was a girl nestled in Cai Xiao's arms.

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The girl asked affectionately, Cai Xiao, what are you thinking in such a beautiful moonlight?

Cai Xiao thought for a moment, blushed and said shyly, Actually, I think the same as you.

Bang! I only heard a clear slap in the face echoing in the night, and then I heard the girl say: Cai Xiao! Dirty! Shameless! Ignore you!

2 1, power failure

A few nights ago, the program group held a group meeting. Suddenly, the power went out.

The meeting is very important. What should I do? Bought a big bag of candles and opened them.

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Halfway through the writing, Pangpang seemed to think of something and asked: Does anyone have a birthday today?

Raise your hand when you hear a cold: editor-in-chief, my birthday is my birthday.

Pangpang said, OK, wait a minute. After our meeting, you are responsible for blowing out all the candles.

22. Father-in-law

When Cai Xiao and his girlfriend met soon, they often sent their girlfriends home.

Once at home, my girlfriend reminded Cai Xiao: You can kiss me now, but then I have to slap you because my father is watching us at the window.

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A week later, in the middle of the night, Cai Xiao sent his girlfriend home again. She was inseparable in front of the door and kissed deeply.

Half an hour later, his girlfriend's father, his future father-in-law, opened the window and shouted, boy, let go of my daughter!

Cai Xiao was frightened, but she got up the courage to argue: Uncle, we really love each other.

His future father-in-law said angrily, kiss if you want. It's still on our doorbell. ...

23. Birthday gifts

Last month, on Cai Xiao's birthday, the whole group raised money to buy him a present and wanted to surprise him. So we put the presents in a big cardboard box.

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When I gave it to Cai Xiao, there was a leak under the box. As soon as Cai Xiao saw it, he began to show off again: Needless to say, I can guess.

After that, I touched it with my finger and tasted it: Wuliangye! Everyone shook their heads, and Cai Xiao took another bite: That's Jian Nanchun!

Everyone shook their heads. At this time, a girl in the group was anxious: take out the puppy quickly. Look at this box ... all wet by the dog.

24, women's waist circumference

The program has been broadcast for a period of time, and the audience is also reflecting. Why are all the bad things Cai Xiao's?

To tell the truth, Cai Xiao is a nice person, and she is very shy. She hasn't had a girlfriend for a long time. It is said that she hasn't held hands yet, has she?

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(Offstage: That's right! )

Go out with your girlfriend and ask others to create opportunities for him: Cai Xiao, I heard that a man's arms are as long as a woman's waist. Can you believe it?

Hearing this, Cai Ming Jr. understood: This is very simple, and we can't try it. Wait for me, I'll go home and get a ruler!

Cai Xiao is filming.

Cai Xiao is famous now. Someone asked Cai Xiao to make a TV series! To put it mildly, filming is actually a walk-on. I went to their crew to watch Cai Xiao filming that day. I happened to take a shot of Cai Xiao being slapped, and it was hit by the heroine. The director asked Cai Xiao to forge it. Cai Xiao said, no, really! Falsification is not realistic enough. This scene was filmed eight times, because Cai Xiao always laughed.

When they finished filming, I told Cai Xiao that as a newcomer, the major is good, but it doesn't have to be true. Cai Xiao said that no matter what kind of drama it is, it should be filmed, and the audience should not be fooled.

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I thought Cai Xiao's consciousness was getting higher and higher, but I didn't know until I asked, what? The key is that there will be a kiss the next day!

26, shoes repair

Before going to work yesterday, my wife said to me, by the way, take my leather shoes to the leather shoes shop next to your unit to have them repaired.

I am in a hurry. Pick it up and leave. I happened to meet my neighbor on the road. He looked at me and said in surprise, Liu Yiwei, this is too much. You're doing this to keep your wife from running around?

27, water, water!

Cai Xiao and Pangpang went drinking that day. As a result, chubby drank too much and fell asleep when he came back. Cai Xiao can't sleep, playing computer.

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Pangpang slept for a while, then suddenly sat up and said, water, water! Cai Xiao poured Pangpang a bowl of water, and Pangpang took it and gulped it down. Then she grabbed a few handfuls on the wall and fell asleep. After a while, Pangpang got up again and clamored for water. Cai Xiao poured another bowl of water, and Chupang grabbed it on the wall after drinking it.

Cai Xiao is very strange. What's wrong with Xiao Pang? Why do you always scrape the wall? So he also poured a bowl of water and drank it. Unexpectedly, he grabbed it on the wall and scolded: my god, it's so hot!

28. I'm out of my wits

Recently, director Li said that her new film "Baby in Love" is to show the kind of love that takes life away from her mind. I asked Cai Xiao how she fell asleep in the cinema. It turned out that she lost her soul.

29, the impossible task

It is said that Tom Cruise will make his third film "Mission Impossible". I suggested that he play a China football player who wants to take part in the Olympic Games.

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30. Ball World

Cai Xiao, there's one thing I don't understand. Just like you, I just want to make money and am afraid of being tired. You are shameless, enterprising and like to entertain yourself with wine and color. Ah, a special talent like you, why don't you go to football to mix his tricks?

Cai Xiao: I've been there and they say I haven't done enough!

3 1, tongue twister

At the 15th Taiwanese Golden Melody Awards, Faye Wong won the Best Mandarin Female Singer Award. Faye Wong put it this way: I can sing, which I know, and I am sure that the judges have affirmed me. Faye Wong can sing, which we also know, so we also affirm Faye Wong's affirmation to the judges and Faye Wong. Hey, this is a tongue twister.

32. Unrequited love

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Cai Xiao once had a crush on his girlfriend. One day, he finally got up the courage and confessed to his girlfriend: I like you. Do you like me?

The girl was very shy, and bowed her head and said, guess.

Cai Xiao was in high spirits and blurted out: I guess you like me!

The girl said, guess again.

If only we could stick to this position, so that we wouldn't see Cai Xiao getting angry every day now.

33, cutting hair represents the first.

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Recently, Beckham was caught in a scandal. To show that their relationship is still alive, Beckham cut off his blonde hair, and the spice girl braided it into her black hair. Cai Xiao, should this matter be described by an idiom?

Cai Xiao: Married couple!

Liu Yiwei: No, it is called a haircut!

34, 2340

There is a movie called "2340", which tells the story of women of these three ages. It's interesting.

In reality, we can also find that women in these three age groups have different views on marriage. For example, if we introduce women of these three age groups, the 20-year-old will ask: Is he handsome? A 30-year-old will ask: Is he successful in his career? A 40-year-old will directly ask: Where is he?

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35. Lamp God

It is said that our man and Cai Xiao met a lamp god one day, and the lamp god said that it could realize two wishes for each of them. Cai Xiao was very happy, thinking that his first wish was to have a deposit of 100 million yuan, and his second wish was to be the host himself. But out of courtesy, ladies first, he still let Manman speak first.

So Mann said to the lamp god: I didn't watch yesterday's artistic life, but now I want to watch it!

Then, the spirit of the lamp became a TV set, and "Art Life" was played. I cried when I watched it full. When he cried, it was a long and endless time.

The genie was anxious and asked her: Tell me your second wish quickly! Besides, Mr Zhu Jun should cry. Man Man is furious: Can't you see I'm crying? Stop fooling around and get out of here!

Hey, the monster is gone. Great, Cai Xiao cried.

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36, just debuted

A company in Shanghai has selected the most popular artists in Shanghai. Alec Su is the most popular artist in the eyes of female respondents. They said that in their hearts, Alec Su will always be the same as when he first made his debut. When I first started out, No wonder male respondents like Shu Qi.

37. Monthly subscription

There are countless female fans at Tony Leung Chiu Wai's birthday party. It is said that none of them want to hug him. Tony Leung Chiu Wai joked that it would cost money and there was a time limit. Hold it for one second, one hundred dollars. As a result, a movie fan immediately shouted at the bottom: Everybody get out of the way. I will pay this month's money.

38. Pearl necklace

Cai Xiao, a cheapskate, suddenly became generous. I gave my girlfriend a pearl necklace with 22 pearls on it. Cai Xiao's girlfriend was very happy and asked him: Why are there 22 pearls on the necklace? Cai Xiao replied, as old as you. My girlfriend was anxious at that time: you idiot, why didn't you ask my real age before buying it?

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39. Little Dragon Girl

Stars have great influence. After the news that Zhou Xun might play the role of Little Dragon Girl came out, the cast of The Condor Heroes attracted a large number of men to recruit actors. I don't know why, they don't want to play Yang Guo, but they all want to play Yin Zhiping.

40. Bad news travels fast.

The football that Beckham kicked a penalty in the European Championship will be taken into space. After the news spread, a miracle appeared. Beckham taught himself a China idiom, which he kept saying: Good things don't go out, but bad things spread thousands of miles.

4 1, world without thieves

A strange phenomenon has been discovered recently. Nowadays, many men are ridiculous. They openly declared "world without thieves", but secretly "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" outside. When they get home, they are often ambushed by their wives. Once discovered, it becomes a "big deal", and the final result is that the wife goes out to "travel around the world for 80 days" and "entertain herself" at home.

The above story shows that our students' oral English has improved, but their listening ability is still not good, but foreigners sometimes make mistakes. A foreigner traveled to Tangshan and lived in a local farmhouse. When he got up in the morning, he saw a cat in the yard and played with it. At this time, the old lady of this family came out and said, what should I do if I mess up the cat? The foreigner thought it was good morning, so he replied, "Good morning!" " In the evening, the old lady saw foreigners washing clothes again and said, what about fiddling with clothes? The foreigner quickly replied, "Good evening!" I really admire China people, even the old lady speaks English so well! Late at night, the foreigner made a glass of milk, drank it and got ready for bed. The old lady saw him. She asked the foreigner: What about playing with milk? Hearing this, the foreigner even said "good night!" Can say, completely confused.