Funny fate _ funny fortune telling

44 super funny classic quotations _ laugh

1, a female student who just finished her internship in a Japanese company came back and said with emotion: No matter how high-end meetings are held, no matter how high-end people attend, those people have a polite meeting with you on the stage, but someone always touches your thigh under the stage!

Why do you get up so early? The bar hasn't opened yet!

In order to build a harmonious society, wife, let's do it again.

I love you at the same time, which is the beginning of my challenge to moths.

6. You are the best example of failed abortion!

7. More and more young people begin to get tattoos. Think about the summer after forty or fifty years, the old man and woman with tattoos.

8. Some people were born in the car, while others were pregnant in the subway. Beijing is really a vibrant city.

9. Since ancient times, there have been no charming mothers on the Internet. There are several pairs of mandarin ducks and perverted pheasants.

10, Part I: How worried is China Men's Olympics? Part two: It's like a group of eunuchs visiting a brothel. Horizontal criticism: no one will shoot.

1 1. Love is a feeling. When this feeling is gone, I am still trying to force myself. This is called responsibility! Breaking up is courage! When this courage is gone, I am still encouraging myself. This is called tragic!

12, urinating is prohibited here, and tools will be confiscated.

13, hands are willing to be rough for women.

14, the wind blows the crotch hair flying.

15, I am too pure, my purity is shameless!

16, the wrong painting at the first stroke had to be scribbled all the way.

17, don't waste new tears for old sadness!

18, I think I am a pervert, I have Oedipus complex and love the best mature women. Why else do I want to fuck her grandmother every time I see her face?

19, don't be coquettish, just touch the world with lewdness.

20. A man gives a woman a bra to show that he wants to establish a lover relationship; A woman gives a man underwear, which means there is a lover relationship.

2 1, some people say that if you have a baby, you won't have dysmenorrhea. Have one!

22. Don't hang yourself on a tree. Try to die a few times in a few trees and you're completely dead!

23. When I smile, my smile is full of poet-like bohemian temperament, but behind this bohemian, there is a delicate and warm emotion. When I am silent, I look up like a pure and graceful girl in the choir and a noble with a deep and elegant head. Yes, I am such a man who perfectly combines various seemingly irreconcilable qualities.

24. My newly acquired gf and I didn't decide to break up with me until a week later, just because I haven't read the books of Oak Taviu Pass and the poems of Borges.

25, teacher, you wait, the old woman is going to let the Buddha give her marriage!

26. I'd rather you hold another woman and miss me than you hold me and miss another woman.

27, the buddy's greatest wish is: beauty does not wear clothes!

28. The difference between life and existence is heaven and earth. How many people are alive and how many people are alive? Are you alive or alive?

29. When do you hug each other? I'm watching the fun.

30. When I left the subway station this morning, the escalator broke down. I was stuck up there for over an hour, so I was late.

3 1, when you see a beautiful woman, touch your pocket first to see if you have any money!

I don't like sleeping with only one woman many times, but I like sleeping with many women only once.

Live well, because we will die for a long time!

34. Nu Wa shoots every day.

35. If a man is fined for illegal parking, he will quarrel with the police and the woman will persuade him. If a woman is fined for parking illegally, she will have an argument with the man around her, and the police will persuade her.

36. I will be good friends with anyone who says I am white, thin and beautiful.

37, the seminal vesicle is not empty, swear not to be a ghost!

38. Fill her emptiness with your surplus!

39, in the shower, please don't disturb or peek, please buy a ticket, 40 for individuals and 20 for groups!

40. I was raped by Sichuan University. The only thing I can do now is to try to put my posture in the right position!

4 1, University is the best period for female breast development.

42, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for your family, thank you for your ancestors for 18 generations!

43. The woman outside the umbrella is doomed not to go out in rainy days.

44. I skipped classes too much. One day I wanted to go to class and met a professor. The professor said in surprise, I haven't seen you for so long, and I have grown so big.

36 Classic Funny Quotations _ Laugh and Spray

1. My girlfriend ate 50 kebabs in one breath. My boyfriend said five words. What five words did you say? Your mouth is too coquettish

2. Simple question ~ Who were the five tiger generals of Shu during the Three Kingdoms period ~ The online searches were Pig ~ Saint, Zilong, Glacier, Instant, Ikki.

What is the minimum standard to make friends with you? Must be human.

4. One of your good-looking friends of the opposite sex called you in the middle of the night and wanted to go out with you to get a room. What should you do? Fuck off! Lao Tzu is a serious man! Don't fucking seduce me where to go?

5. When did your first kiss happen? When I was 6 years old, I said to a girl one year younger than me: I don't agree that I pushed you into the ditch.

6. If you are in prison, what do you do to kill time in prison? tunnel

7. Is anyone chasing you now? Yes, I owe her 30 yuan.

8. Someone spills oil on you and says, Don't worry, it's all automatic. What do you do? Hit him with kidney deficiency and tell him not to worry. There are also Liuwei Dihuang pills, which are used to treat kidney deficiency and contain no sugar.

9. What is the one thing that you learned the most from Lei Feng? Holding the eldest sister-in-law to send the children home.

10, how to keep two people who love each other? Kill each other and bury them in one place.

1 1. Have you ever thought about suicide? I want to fucking kill you!

12, the strangest name of Beijing snacks, represents the state of an animal and is sold in many places in Beijing! Guess (answer: snowball) peacock green.

13, a person is walking on the road, and a heterosexual walks up to you and asks: Is this the earth? What's your answer? If it is a beauty, I will say: I love you. If Martians were dinosaurs, I would say: Where are you from? Go home.

14, two girls like you, one is beautiful and talented, and the other is gentle, which one do you choose? Divorce your family first

15. Your predecessor got married. Would you like to attend her wedding? I just want to go to the fucking funeral!

16, now you, 100 meters can enter 13 seconds? Free fall?

17. What was the most valuable thing you stole while playing in Xin Kai? The mouse in the internet bar ...

18, if you have to choose one of (1 Chris Lee 2 Sister Furong, 3 Flowers, 4 Lv Xiulian) and get married immediately, what do you choose to die?

19 What do you think of going to Starbucks alone and sitting with a notebook all afternoon? It's better than sitting with a notebook and soy milk.

20. If your lover who has been in love for many years meets someone better than you and then leaves you, what does this prove? Love is actually fucking ape shit! ! !

2 1. Seriously, did you have plastic surgery? My stomach is bulging.

22, now! Right now! Don't think about it! Say an English word beginning with P, Pigou! ! !

23.ICAC is ICAC. What is Industrial and Commercial Bank of China (Answer: China Industrial and Commercial Bank)?

24. Have you ever peeped into other people's privacy? I openly robbed.

25. If one day you suddenly disappear, do you think someone will look for you crazily? If I still owe the bank mortgage and car loan.

26. Someone has a crush on you. Will you be tempted to know? I think I'll change my mind.

27, twins, brother's name is Tianlong, brother's name is Haohao? Equivalent to Mr or Sir.

28. Do you think about a heterosexual every day ~ A: I think about it every day and want to sleep with her.

29. When your enemy goes to the toilet, he can't get out without paper. Why did you give him a roll of scotch tape?

30. What would you do if your opponent fell into the water? Pee.

3 1, I am very good and obedient. I know you have a boyfriend/girlfriend now, but I will wait for you. Would you want me? You'll die, son. Go home.

32. When you meet a robber in the middle of the night, he says he won't let you go unless he sings. What are you going to sing? Hao Han Song

33. What is the most serious consequence of being naughty as a child? Playing on a wall when I was a child ~ I accidentally slipped and kicked someone off the wall.

34. Have you ever thought of someone who makes you want to cry? Yes, creditors.

35. Someone told you that I use mineral water to flush the toilet. How do you respond? What I peed in was a royal salute!

36. If your other half's ex died and your other half cried in front of you, how would you react? Throw three feet of white silk and say, you might as well go with her

30 Classic Funny Quotations _ Laugh and Spray

1, Lord Bao and Zhan Zhao went to Africa to play and met a group of black-faced cannibals. Cannibals not only refused to eat two people, but also shook hands with Lord Bao and brought human flesh to Lord Bao. Lord Bao is very confused. Zhan Zhao said, my Lord, cannibals regard you as their distant relative.

My friend said that he would drive me home. After getting on the bus, he habitually lit a cigarette. My friend pinched my cigarette and said, don't smoke in the car, it will smell like smoke. I slapped it down, and the battery car smelled like your sister's smoke.

3. My brother took the subway and sat next to a strange aunt. The mobile phone rang, and my aunt answered the phone and said to the phone brightly, Ah, I am very busy tonight. My car broke down and I was taking the subway. I found a handsome duck. I'm going to check in! The crowded car immediately quieted down. I glanced at my aunt next to me and turned around to find that the whole car was staring at me.

My roommate of four years only ate her and gave us five people an orange. This is really an orange. Snacks are always taken to bed by yourself, and then get out of bed after eating. Everyone in the dormitory charged two yuan for electricity. My roommate said that we used her electricity, so we shouldn't ask her to pay. Give her money! More importantly ... I once saw five audis in her camera! Five cars! There are cameras at home!

I have a strong taste and like salt. One day, my roommate asked me: What does the product mean? I ignored him (he likes to ask strange questions) and casually said that it meant eating. Roommate nodded while thinking, like this. A few days later, my girlfriend came to the dormitory to chat with me, and my roommate was lying in bed reading. When I was talking with my girlfriend about taste, she asked me: What is your taste? As soon as my girlfriend finished speaking, my roommate put down the book and sat up to answer. He always emphasized taste. I suddenly turned blue.

6. Coach: Relax, don't be nervous. Well, I'm not nervous. My friend said that he treated the coach next to him like a dog during the exam.

7. Doctor: Why can't I find my pen? I want to write you a prescription. The patient quietly reminded: doctor, you put it under my arm!

8. I have graduated for many years. Today is Teachers' Day. Teacher, I miss you very much. You have worked hard. I have returned the knowledge you taught me to you. When do you think I can get my tuition back? Let me buy an iphone6s!

9. The two of them went to buy clothes. The wife hesitates between thick clothes and thin clothes. She didn't know which was better, so she asked her husband, which do you think is better? Husband said: if you can wash clothes, buy thick ones. The wife smiled and called to the boss: Wrap this thin one for me.

10, after drinking with friends at night, take a taxi home by yourself. As soon as I got on the taxi, the driver asked me, young man, have you been drinking? I'm a little surprised: yo! Master, your nose is smart enough to smell my wine? The driver said, smell your sister! Get off my roof first!

1 1. Wife: You just watch TV and don't even care if the faucet is broken. The water flooded your home. Come and have a look. Husband: What are you looking at? What channel is it on?

12, I met a beggar when I went out and asked me for money, saying that I hadn't eaten for several days. I just bought steamed bread with my change, and I gave him two poor ones. Damn it, he said I sent beggars. Isn't he a beggar?

13. Today, a buddy cut a meatball and joked with him: I just got out of prison! He looked at me and said, are you trying to force me to go to jail again? Then I was silent.

14, a girl and sister want 140 kg. Every night, they dance square dance with their aunts. They dragged me to see it yesterday and then asked me how it was. I said, I think you dance like a cygnet. She said: Really! I seem to have lost weight. I went on to say, it's a Little Swan drum washing machine.

15, I can't think of any gift for my wife's birthday at all. Not too expensive. Make her happy. Write her an anonymous love letter.

16, I was lying in the hospital bed and asked the nurse: Love is gone, affection is gone, friendship is gone, health is gone, money is gone, am I nothing? The nurse quickly whispered, how can you say that about yourself? I thought you weren't ready. . .

17, Mrs. Shana, who runs a fashion shop, has been very upset recently because the flower shop on the left has switched to fashion business. Not only is the pavement bigger than her own, but the competitor also posted an irritating signboard. Business here is the most cost-effective! . After wave after wave of turmoil, Mrs. Shana's heart has not been cleared, and the flower shop on the right side of the fashion shop has also started to do fashion business, and also played a slogan that dazzled Mrs. Shana. The price here is the cheapest! After thinking hard for several days, Mrs. Shana, who can't eat well and sleep well, finally came up with a countermeasure and hung a big entrance sign right above the door of her fashion shop.

18, I remember a drinking party with a female colleague. After drinking, my female colleague was also drunk and said that she wanted me to sleep with her at night. After listening to this, I slapped her and left her alone. I think she must be trying to steal 200 yuan from my pocket while I was asleep. I didn't expect her to be such a person. Bah!

19. Some time ago, in the physical examination of the unit, a colleague's fat blood vessels were not obvious. The doctor gave several injections and didn't draw blood. He said helplessly, Comrade, you are really ~ well, you are really strong, and your colleagues are also very practical. Doctor, I am not strong, but I am fat.

20. One day, I saw a buddy and said to him, Dude, are you still wearing your jeans? The buddy said: this is popular now, you know a line ball. I looked at his chrysanthemum and thought that city people really know how to play.

One day, the old lady and her wife watched TV together. After the advertisement, a beauty contest was broadcast. The old man blushed and got up and went into the house. The old lady smiled: this old man is quite feudal. After a while, the old man came back and sat upright in front of the TV, but his wife with glasses was nagging his wife: When did your ears get better? Husband: The day your throat started to get inflamed.

22. LZ came home from work at three o'clock yesterday morning. On the way, she met a young woman lying on the ground, wearing very revealing clothes. At first glance, I knew that she was working the night shift and was drunk. I think this is my chance. I went up and gave her a hand. Shit, the beauty turned and threw up all over me. I keep thinking, is she drunk or did she see my face throw up?

23. Wife: Just now at Lao Zhang's house, you drank five cups of tea in a row. Didn't you say you couldn't sleep at night after drinking tea? Husband: But if I don't drink fragrant tea that I can drink for free, I can't sleep at home.

After coming out of the hospital, I was depressed. Suddenly, a fortune teller stopped me: Sir, do you want to tell a fortune? I was in a bad mood at that time and yelled, you bird, I'll use you to calculate! The fortune teller just smiled and pinched his fingers. Yes, I'll call you a bird. Hey, hey, is your bird okay? I instantly bowed down: Master, how do you know? The master smiled: the so-called external strength is hollow, the appearance is strong, and the internal nature is weak. I asked, master, what should I do to get rid of my troubles? The master said: you should be weak in appearance, most like a false mother! I asked again: Can I be as hard as a fake mother? The master said, of course not! However, when the fake mother becomes a nuisance, she can live a happy life even if she can't get hard, so she won't worry! Me:

A: Boyfriends have everything, including a car, a house and a deposit. B: With a sigh, boyfriends have everything, including bicycles, rental houses and loans. C: With a sigh, boyfriends really have everything, even their wives.

26. Both men and women like to go to the park together on weekends. One day, I wandered around with my friends, and when I was tired, I sat on a long bench and chatted. Suddenly, my friend pointed in one direction and said, look, what's going on over there? Everyone looks in that direction. It turned out to be a couple hugging and kissing. So, a friend was upset, and it was outrageous to be so affectionate in broad daylight in public! I want to say something to him. Then, everyone suddenly began to discuss what to say in the past to separate them gracefully. # $ #% # @ (one breath! ) At this moment, I popped out: Will you go over and say to them: Open your mouth? Suddenly, there was laughter.

27. A second-rate friend recently bought a new fish tank, and then various friends showed off the fish he bought. Suddenly nothing happened these days. I called him and asked him. He told me that it was cold and I was afraid that the fish would freeze to death, so I bought a hot one and wanted to heat the water. As a result, I fell asleep and woke up to find that the fish were all cooked.

28. A buddy is from a car rental company. One day at noon, he went for a walk in the company. I asked him: Have you ever met a wonderful guest who rents a car to others every day? The goods looked at the yard and said that the car rented by the man early in the morning had not been poured out.

29. Yesterday, a female colleague of mine had a drink together. My female colleague told me that she was very happy and wanted to sleep on my shoulder. As she spoke, she leaned over and I was anxious on the spot. She slapped her face and said, damn it, I said I'd drink three cases. Whoever pays the bill first will go back on my word and want to eat the king's meal and roll my calf.

30. Early this morning, my girlfriend spoiled me: Dear, someone else's apple 6 accidentally fell to the ground and broke it. Don't worry, I took a Nokia out of my pocket and said, I'm ready for you. This is not afraid of falling.

25 classic funny quotations _ Laugh!

1. Auntie sprayed mosquito repellent in the bedroom and took her niece out for a walk. On the way, my niece inexplicably asked, Aunt, why don't you buy two pounds of meat and hang it at home so that the mosquito can eat enough, so that it won't bite us.

2. Me: Boss, how much is this dress? Boss: 200, one? Me: Do you sell it for 300? The boss was puzzled from the beginning: sell, why not sell! Me: Then you can sell it for 300. I won't buy it anyway.

I want to be romantic today. I bought a bunch of roses for my wife. Never bought it ~ My first reaction to my wife was surprise, my second reaction was wasting money, and my third reaction was scolding me. Did you do anything special for my mother? Forget it, I still can't sleep on the sofa! Say so romantic!

My wife is pregnant and her weight has soared. I told her: Look at your fat, I can't stand it! The second-rate wife replied: Where did you get the courage to laugh at a man who turned rice into shit? I petrified in an instant.

5. The boys' dormitory suddenly lost power, and the students shouted: Hoo, Hoo! Soon, the electricity came. God stunned the boys and cheered together: come to women, come to women! The aunt who manages the dormitory came and shouted, Shut up.

6. I remember handing out test papers in class. At the moment I handed it out, I stopped looking at the score like lightning, and then moved my palm carefully. I saw a number first: 7. I'm nervous. It can't be 57. Move again, move again, wipe again. I got 7 points in the exam.

7. When I was a child, my teacher visited my home and happened to meet a mouse in my home. There is a big mouse in the room, but I haven't found it for a long time. Suddenly, the teacher fixed his eyes on the curtain. At that time, my mother and I were very scared and watched nervously as the teacher carefully pulled the curtains. The result! A huge mouse fell and hit the teacher hard. My mother and I panicked, picked up all the tools in our hands and gave the teacher a good beating! The teacher didn't come to class the next day!

I heard a boy talking to a little girl in the street. Sota: I'll give you an ice cream. Come with me ~ little girl: well, I won't go for an ice cream with you! Shota: Two! Little Lori: Wait a minute, I have to go home and pack some things.

9. My little sister moved from her hometown to the kindergarten in Guilin at the age of two. Because she just transferred to another school, she has a dialect. The teacher found my aunt and said, you have to teach the children Mandarin quickly. His Mandarin is quite nonstandard! My sister said: I know this problem and am slowly correcting it. The teacher said, that's good You have to hurry. Now half the children in the class talk like this.

10, when I was young, my mother bought a piggy bank for my sister and me. I'm so happy that I can't even spend my pocket money on it. I was stupid at that time, and I didn't know there was a hole below to take out the money, until one day my sister and I saw my mother digging it out seriously. At that moment, my sister and I hugged each other and cried.

1 1. I made my wife angry this morning. The goods actually took out two amoxicillin capsules, opened them, poured out the powder, and then handed me a toothpick, saying that you would forgive me if you touched it with a toothpick. This is sour! This is too fierce! Who did she learn it from?

12, I passed a fortune-telling booth in the morning and heard the stall owner tell a little girl that marriage is not hard to find. You only need to pay 1000 yuan for the wedding fee, and I can help you find Prince Charming. I knew it was a liar as soon as I heard it. Out of kindness, I quickly reminded the little girl: don't listen to him! You are too ugly to get married at any cost!

13, my family has a puppy! Screaming every day is annoying. I can't stand it today! Block it in the corner and ask it: Is my peach blossom flourishing recently? I haven't ordered this product for three days. I seem to understand something!

14. In the Buddhist temple, the master was telling his disciples that the name given to you by the teacher was not random, but what the teacher expected of you. You got it? All the disciples understood the answer, only one disciple kept silent. When the master saw it, he asked his apprentice, why don't you speak?

15, go to the canteen to eat. After my aunt cooked the meal, I immediately folded my hands and looked at my nose: Amitabha, thank you! Aunt asked: Does that young man believe in Buddhism? I said no, I thought you believed in Buddhism when I saw this fast food! Aunt said: I don't like meat, I don't eat much, I work hard, I read a lot, and I am a vegetarian! Anyway, I am going to eat this meal on my knees.

Recently, my girlfriend moved me. I want to thank my girlfriend. Really, I remember that before I met my girlfriend, I didn't celebrate my birthday every year, so I ate a bowl of longevity noodles for my birthday. . Since I met my girlfriend, I can have two birthdays every year: one in the solar calendar and the other in the lunar calendar. I'm really touched!

17, grandpa came home and saw dad beat me crazy. He stopped at once to ask the reason. When the rabbit saw someone dead and people throwing paper money, he felt colorful and ran to pick it up. That's not enough to hit a child, is it? But, dad, I asked him why he picked it up, and he said that after grandpa died, he stopped buying it and dispersed.

18, at about 6: 20 in the morning, I found 90,000 yuan while waiting for the bus downstairs. In the spirit of finding money, I really want to return it to its owner. Now I have been standing in the same place and waiting. It's been more than ten hours and the owner hasn't come yet. Now I am anxious to find the owner through various means! Please tell each other, help forward and find the owner as soon as possible! I'm worried. How can you play mahjong without 90 thousand?

19, my two-year-old son is very naughty and pesters his mother not to do housework. So I said, son, come here. How about Dad telling you the story of the little match girl? Unexpectedly, my son asked me, Dad, what are matches? One sentence really stumped me. There are no matches at home. I really can't explain it to him. I can't help it, just say, let your mother tell you about the little girl who sells lighters.

20. Today, I saw a child kneeling on the roadside begging, and suddenly I felt so pitiful! Just as he was about to leave, he took out 20 yuan and heard the child say, thank you, uncle! Ah! Who should I call? Call me uncle after 22 o'clock! Look at this child, not only poor but also blind! Pick up all the money on the ground and run! Oh, stop it! I'm still in the hospital for treatment!

2 1, one night, the baby suddenly pouted and protested to his mother: Mom, you are so stingy! Oh? What did mom do wrong? Mother looked at the baby and blinked, looking very sincere. The baby pointed with his hand and said loudly, mom, look, grandma gave birth to you. You are so old, and you gave birth to me. You are so stingy!

22. In the music class, the teacher said: What is high-profile? What do you mean, low profile? Xiao Wu was caught by the teacher deserting and asked him: He hesitated for a while, and then replied: It's easier said than done. You see, it's also taking your money. The thief keeps a low profile and is silent. But the robbers are high-profile: loud intimidation: robbery! Give me all the money! The teacher was very angry after hearing this, and the students all laughed.

On my way home, I saw a man and a woman quarreling. After several quarrels, the woman said, didn't you say that you would never talk to me in your life? Go if you dare! The man is also arguing loudly: do you really think I dare not? I'll take you home and I'll ignore you! The whole process, two people have been holding hands. As single dog, I suffer 10000 crit damage every minute.

24. A man has been secretly in love with a woman for a long time, and one day he finally got up the courage to confess to the girl. M: Please accept my love and be my girlfriend. Woman: Sorry, I don't like you! Man: I had feelings for you the first time I saw you. Don't you have any feelings for me? Woman: Yes! Thank god! Woman: It's just that I feel nauseous!

25. One day, I was playing with my mobile phone in class at the same table. Suddenly, the mobile phone rang, and my deskmate quickly threw it in my hand. I stood up calmly and looked at my classmates in front of the class and said, Teacher, I played with my mobile phone, and you smashed it!