Fortune-telling gambling jokes

1. Once upon a time, there was a man named Shuang.

He is dead.

On the day of the funeral.

His family cried and said

Cool ... cool. '

Passers-by are puzzled. Asked, "What do you like?"

The family cried:' Great ... awesome! !

Seven years after graduation, I finally accepted a big project to build a 30-meter chimney, with a construction period of two months and a cost of 300 thousand, but it needed funds. It was finally finished at the end of last year. Today, people went to check and accept, and they were scolded to death, and they still had no money. Shit! The drawings are upside down, and people are going to dig wells!

3. A drunk accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting passers-by to watch, and a policeman came over: What's the matter? Drunk: I don't know. I just arrived.

The doctor asked the patient how the fracture happened. The patient said, I felt sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes with a telephone pole. A fucking asshole passed by and thought I was electrocuted, so he picked up a stick and gave me two!

One day, turtle's father, turtle's mother and turtle's son decided to go for an outing. They brought a Shandong pie and two cans of sea water.

Chicken, and then set off for Yangmingshan. After ten years of hard work, it's finally here! They sat on the floor and unloaded their equipment accurately.

Prepare dinner. Turns out I didn't bring a can opener!

Son of a turtle: "... I'll go back and get it." 」

Father Tortoise: "Good son! Come on! Mom and dad are waiting for you to come back for dinner. Go back quickly! "

Tortoise son: "Be sure to wait for me! Don't break your word! "

So turtle son set foot on the road home. ...

Time flies, time flies, 20 years have passed, but the turtle son has not appeared yet.

Mother turtle: "wife ... do you want to have dinner first?" I'm so hungry, I said ... "

Tortoise Dad: "No! We promised our son! Ok ... wait for him for five years, or let him go! "

It's been five years, and the turtle son still hasn't seen it. Tortoise parents don't care! Parents decided to start.

Take out the pie and get ready to eat. ...

Suddenly, turtle son poked his head out from behind the tree. ...

Turtle son: "Shit! I knew you would steal! Trick me into getting a can opener? I waited for 25 years, and finally.

I have been waiting for you! I hate being cheated!

Xiao Xin: Dad, why are there three gold medals in my name?

Dad: You are short of gold in your life, so you are named Xin, just like some people are short of water, so you are named Miao, and some people are short of wood, so you are named Sen.

Xiao Xin: Dad, what do you think is missing from Sister Guo Jingjing's life?

7. A boyfriend and girlfriend were sitting on a park bench in love, and the woman suddenly wanted to fart.

Say to the man: I am a cereal bird, do you listen to it?

Men are really willing to listen.

So, under the cover of "goo goo" birdsong, the woman happily farted.

W: Does it sound like a cuckoo?

Man: What a fart! I didn't catch it!

8. The tortoise is hurt. Let snails buy medicine. Two hours have passed and the snail hasn't come back yet. The tortoise was in a hurry to scold: if I don't fucking come back, I'll die! At this time, the snail's voice came from outside the door: you fucking said I wouldn't go!

9. Someone raised a pig, annoyed him and abandoned it. However, the pig knows the way home, and it is useless to abandon it. One day, he drove a lot of cars and abandoned the pig. He called home late at night and asked, "Is the pig coming back?" Answer: "I have come back!" " It roared, "put it on the phone, I'm lost!" "

10. Elephants accidentally stepped on an ant nest, and their nesting ants climbed onto the elephants. The elephant shook its body and the ants fell down. At this time, there was another elephant around its neck, and the fallen ant shouted "strangle it".

1 1. One morning in computer class, a row of classmates' computers crashed. So a classmate stood up and said, "Teacher, the computer crashed, and our platoon was all dead." At this time, many students said, "We are dead, too." Then the teacher asked, "Who else is not dead?" Only one classmate stood up and said, "I'm not dead yet!" " "The teacher said strangely," the whole class is dead. Why don't you die? "

12. Before eating peanuts, monkeys should put peanuts in their buttocks before taking them out. The administrator explained: Someone once fed it peaches, but the peach core could not be pulled out. The monkey is afraid. You must measure it before eating now.

13. Xiaoming: "Dad, am I a stupid child?"

Dad: "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy ..."

14. Tell a story: "Once upon a time, there was a eunuch ................"

Someone can't help asking, "What's next?"

Continue to tell the story: "Below? No ... "

15. A person who just learned a foreign language was walking in the street that day and accidentally stepped on a foreigner's foot. The man quickly said, "I'm sorry." The foreigner also said politely, "I'm sorry, too." Hearing this, the man quickly said, "I'm sorry, three." Foreigners have become stupid. The man said helplessly, "I'm sorry."

16. Tang Priest's letter to the Monkey King.

Dear Wukong:

I write this letter slowly, because I know you can't read fast!

It rained twice this week, the first time for 4 days, and the second time for 3 days!

Did you have a good time in Huaguoshan? I had a terrible time in heaven. Because there is no gravity, my stool, urine, tears and nose can't fall off. Do you feel bitter?

Our beef noodles here are delicious. Let's go to the restaurant in West Street for hot pot when you come another day!

Your Guanyin sister is going to have a baby, so I don't know whether you want to be an uncle or an aunt for the time being, because I don't know whether it will be a boy or a girl!

Did you receive the clothes I sent you? I was afraid of being overweight when I was ready to post it, so I cut the button and put it in my pocket!

It's very late to write here. Come and play with me sometime. Remember not to drink more water, or it will be very uncomfortable if you can't pee here!

P.S. wants to send you money, but the envelope is stuck!

17. A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been very abnormal recently. Pull whatever you eat, cucumber and watermelon, how to return to normal? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit.

18. Someone went to Shanghai on business and lost a dollar in the street. The police said, "We'll help you find it." When the man went again in January, the street where he lost his money was dug up to build a road, and he could not help but sigh, "Everything in Shanghai is real."

19. One day, an ant was sunbathing when he suddenly saw an elephant coming slowly. It got up and straightened its front legs. The rabbit next to you is busy asking what you are doing. The ant said, "Shh ~ ~ ~ ~ Keep your voice down and watch me kick him."

20. The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself in two to play badminton. Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat. Mother earthworm cried and said, "why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! " Father earthworm said weakly ... I suddenly want to play football.

2 1. The tortoise and the hare raced ... The hare quickly ran to the front ... The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly ... and said to him: Come up, I'll carry you ... Then ... the snail climbed up ... Soon ... The tortoise saw an ant again ... and said to him: Come up, too .. So the ant came up. When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him. Do you know what the snail said? The snail said, hurry up, this turtle is so fast. ..

22. One day, a family caught fire, and both parents escaped, leaving only one son inside. Mother nervously shouted outside the house: "Son ... what are you doing ... you won't come out after the fire ..." The son replied: "I'm wearing socks ..." The mother said: "What socks are you wearing after the fire ..." Five minutes later, the son hasn't come out ... The mother shouted nervously again: "Son! Come out ~ There's a fire, and you're still inside ... "The son said," I'm taking off my socks. ........

23. A man went fishing by the river, first wearing a leaf ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, then he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ so he changed earthworms ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ ~ In a fit of pique ~ he took out 100rmb and fell into the water and cursed, "*-# What do you want to eat! Buy it yourself! ! !

24. My deskmate has a cold and a runny nose, but I forgot to bring my handkerchief and I have been sniffing hard. The Chinese teacher suddenly turned around and shouted, "That's enough! Stop it! Too noisy! " The whole class was silent. The teacher is > He said, "Who steals noodles in class and makes so much noise?" "

25. The patient said to the dentist, "You really make money. It only took you three seconds to earn $3. "

The doctor replied, "If you like, I can pull it out in slow motion."

26. "Narcissism" means that you must be reborn as a woman in your next life and then marry a man like me; "Despair" means that the restaurant ordered two dishes and ate the first one: "Is there anything worse in the world? ! "Eat the second" shit! There really is! " "Silence" means that the judge asks: Why do you want to print counterfeit money? The criminal said: I can't print real money.

27. The Weaver Girl came down to the world to take a bath, met the Cowherd, and performed a love story that made the gods cry. This tells us that there is no chance to take a bath at home, and she must take a bath outside. .....

28. Xiaoming returned to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher, "There are many ants in the toilet." The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiaoming. "What did ants say?" Xiao Ming looked blank ... and then said, "The ant didn't say anything ..."

29. A person always farts at work, and colleagues can't help but say, "Can you be quiet?" Then I saw him sitting there trembling. Colleagues asked him strangely what he was doing, and he replied, "I didn't make any noise, but now it's tuned to vibration!" " ! ! "

30. Mother Mosquito: "What's the matter with you, son?" The little mosquito cried and said, "Today, the little fly bullied me and called me a bloodthirsty vampire." The mother mosquito said, "Ignore it. Their home is not a good thing either. They all grew up eating shit.

3 1. I bought a pottery jar of the Western Zhou Dynasty for 80,000 yuan, and sent it to the column of Jianbao for identification yesterday. The expert seriously said, "Which Western Zhou Dynasty did this belong to?" This is from last week!

32. Son: "Mom, I failed the math exam today." Mother: "Why, what's the problem?" Son: "The teacher asked me 2*3=? I said =6. " Mother: "That's right, and then what?" Son: "The teacher asked me 3*2=?" Mother: "Isn't this the same?" Son: "That's what I said. ..

33. A prisoner was shot. Bullets are produced in a county, and the quality is not good. The first shot was not fired, and then the second shot was fired ... the third shot ... at this time, the prisoner cried, "You strangle me, it's so scary!"

34. The father told his son a story: "Uncle told Xiaoyang to cut wood, but Xiaoyang cut down his uncle's favorite peach tree. Uncle was angry but didn't scold him. Do you know why? " The son replied, "It may be because Xiaoyang still has an axe in his hand, so he dare not scold him."

35. dung beetles and Mozzie fell in love for the first time. Dung beetles: "What do you do?" Mosquito: "Nurse, give me an injection." Dung beetles grabbed the mosquito's hand and wept bitterly: "Fate, I'm also a doctor, Chinese medicine, and I pinch pills.

36. Men can't find a girlfriend, so they have to tell their fortune. The fortune teller said: you are doomed to have no women in the first half of your life; Not that person's eyes lit up: then I should have it all my life? The fortune teller said, well, you will get used to living alone for the rest of your life.

37. When someone was eating, he couldn't see a piece of beef in the beef Lamian Noodles, so he pointed to the bowl and asked the boss: Why is there no beef in the beef Lamian Noodles? The boss said flatly, don't take it too seriously. You still expect a wife who eats old woman's cake?

38. Three mice tasted the wines of the United States, Japan and China, respectively, and the mouse who drank the American wine fell down after three steps; The mouse who drank Japanese wine fell down after two steps; The mouse drinking China Erguotou, with a kitchen knife in his hand, shouted, "Where's the fucking cat?"

39. While eating in a restaurant, a customer who had been waiting for a long time called the waiter and asked, "Why isn't the braised fish I ordered ready?" "Just a moment, sir." "What? What are you waiting for? " The customer was very angry and said, "Is your fish fresh?"

40. One day, the cow gave the donkey a difficult problem and asked which of the two bugs under the word "stupid" was male and which was female. The donkey racked his brains, but he still couldn't answer. Cow scolds: What a donkey, male left and female right!

4 1. A man wants to jump off a building, and his wife who just came back shouted, "Husband, don't be impulsive, we still have a long way to go!" Hearing this, the man jumped down without hesitation. The negotiator standing by said, "Madam, you really shouldn't threaten him like this.

42. The director and the section chief share the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief, "You farted." The section chief said, "I didn't fart." Soon, the section chief was fired. The director said at the meeting, "You can't afford to fart. What do you need? "

43. A lazy cat went crazy after a mouse and finally got married. After marriage, the cat took care of the mouse in every way, and the mouse soon became fat. The mouse was very moved: "Dear, why are you so kind to me?" The cat smiled and said, "You'll know when you get fat.

44. Every time I look in the mirror, I always encourage myself mentally: "I am very creative. Ugliness is not my intention. God, don't lose your temper. I will live bravely and use my endless creativity to set off the beauty of this world! Actually, I am really, really creative. ...

45. Friends go climbing together. When they reached the top of the mountain, a girl shouted to the beautiful mountains and rivers: motherland! My mother! A boy who secretly loves her quickly shouted: motherland! My mother-in-law

46. I bought two puppies before, one named you "face" and the other named myself "ass"! It's not two days since Face died in a car accident. Every time I see your ass, I think of your face! If your face were still there, it would be as big as your ass now!

47. After Tang Zeng drove Wukong away, he met the monster again. He must say a spell to call Wukong back to help. Soon, a voice came from the air: "I'm sorry. The subscriber you dialed is out of service. Please try again later.

48. When the mouse went to the toilet, he was too scared to say a word when he saw the bear. The bear looked at the mouse and said, "Can't you shed your hair?" The mouse shivered and said nothing. The bear asked again, "Can't you depilate?" The mouse trembled and said, "No …" The bear grabbed the mouse and wiped his ass and left! 【 Use the mouse as toilet paper. ..

49. I just chatted with my friends, and some of them talked about you. Do you know? I quarreled with them and almost got into a fight, because some of them said you looked like a monkey and some said you looked like an orangutan. It was really too much! I didn't treat you like a pig at all!

On panda's birthday, I said to everyone: I made two wishes, one is to cure my dark circles, and the other is to have a color photo.

5 1. Bees chase butterflies, but butterflies marry snails. The bee doesn't understand: where is he better than me? Butterfly replied: at least people have their own houses, unlike you who live in dormitories.

52. One day, an elephant was taking a bath. Suddenly an ant came up to the elephant and said. You stand up. Stand up at the beginning. Ants! You sit down. The elephant asks the ant what you want to do. Stand for a while, sit for a while. Ants answer! I lost my underwear. Let me see if you stole it.

53. The production team bought a donkey and died in a few days. It happened that the female donkey was in heat. The staff of the production team called the captain of the production team who was away on business. "Captain, the female donkey is in heat and the male donkey is dead. Shall I buy a donkey first or wait for you to come back? "

54. Little dung beetles: Mom, why do we eat shit? Dung beetles's mother: This child, how can you say such disgusting things while eating?

55. A meteor flashed in the night sky, and I immediately made a wish that you would become more beautiful. Who knows that just after I made my wish, the meteor came back with a whoosh and said to me, "Brother, are you deliberately embarrassing me?" ! !

56. Give me a canteen steamed bread as a fulcrum, and I can tilt the earth! & lt understand, the steamed bread in this canteen is too hard ... >

57. I saw that "the food in the canteen can only be fed to pigs, but it is returned to us?" I thought of a sentence. A classmate went to the canteen to cook and asked the chef after dinner, "Master, why is there rice in your sand?" ! ! "

58. A short story that girls must read: Bats are reborn in God's place. God says he can give you three conditions. The bat said, "I was black in my last life, so I want a snow-white body and wings in my next life." I'm used to sucking blood. Let me suck blood. " God said, ok, I promise. Do you know what will happen to him in his next life? "sanitary napkins" Ha ha.

59. The restaurant fly said to the toilet fly: You chase the smell all day, and I eat spicy food all day. Come here! Toilet flies: no common goals, no common goals. What's the use of eating well? How many beautiful women have you met?

60. When I was a sophomore, all the girls in the dormitory liked Emil Wakin Chau's songs, and one tape was borrowed by everyone. One day, the girl in the upper bunk asked: Where is my Emil Wakin Chau? The girl in the lower bunk replied, It's in my bed! There was silence for two seconds, and then everyone fell on the bed.

6 1. A boy gave his friend a nickname, called Fat Pig. The girl cried to the teacher, who promised to criticize the boy. The next day, the teacher said in class, "A boy is so rude that he gives others nicknames casually. Can't others just call him what he looks like? "

62. A police dog saw an ordinary dog coming on the road and suddenly ran over to ask it: I am a police dog. What are you? The ordinary dog looked at it dismissively and said, idiot, you see clearly, I am plain clothes!