China ancient jokes

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The story of a scholar

A scholar took a book boy to catch the exam. I lost my hat on the way. The extreme boy said: The hat fell (the first one).

The scholar said quickly, not landing, but the ground.

Extremely help scholar pick up the hat, firmly tied to the scholar's head, and then said:

Never touch the ground again this time.

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This is Ji Xiaolan's joke on eunuchs.

Another example:

In winter, an old eunuch saw Ji Xiaolan wearing a fur coat and holding a fan (the habit of literati), and felt very good.

Laugh,

So he said, Little Hanlin, wear winter clothes and take a summer fan. Can I read one in Chunqiu?

Ji Xiaolan recognized the southern accent of the old eunuch and said to himself:

The old manager who was born in the south came to the north. Is that thing still there?

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Indecent verse

Once upon a time, there was a scholar named "Xipo" who often praised Su Shi. During the drought, the satrap set up an incense table to beg for rain and ordered him to write poems.

A song commemorating this grand occasion.

The scholar wrote a poem saying, "The prefect prays for rain, and all the people are grateful for virtue. Last night I pushed the window to see the moon. "

The satrap was furious and sent Yunyang.

His uncle gave it to him. Farewell, the scholar saw that his uncle was blind, so he presented a poem: "See Yunyang, and see my uncle as if he were my mother." Bury people together

Tears, three lines. "

To match, officials like his poems, take his wife as the topic and ask him to recite them. The scholar said, "Ring Ding Dong, madam, come out of the back hall.

Three-inch golden lotus, horizontal. "

The official's anger made him laugh at himself. The scholar sighed, "The ancients were named Dongpo, but I am now named Xipo. Compared with two people, they are poor.

More. "

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Chapeng

I remember there is such a passage in the New Laughing Forest Wide Record:

A scholar went to a tea shed to drink tea. A nun in the shed didn't know a word of the scriptures, so she went to consult a scholar:

"Excuse me, Guo-zi-jian diploma, how to pronounce this word? 」

When the scholar called Guo Jian, he deliberately showed off his talent and said, "This monk, you should know about sorrow and decline, Guo Jian.".

It's the same as a scholar and a scholar, but it's different in the stomach. 」

Hearing that he called himself a monk, the nun said disapprovingly, "You should know Qi and Zhai, and nuns and monks should look at each other when they wear cassock."

Similarly,

The crotch is different. 」

A little girl serving tea in a tea shed couldn't help laughing. Both of them turned back and said, "Sister-in-law, what are you laughing at?"

What? 」

An unmarried little girl heard them call her eldest sister-in-law. She was very angry and said, "You should know good and good, girls are older."

Sister in law,

The whole body is the same, but the circle is different. 」

Note: 1. In ancient times, Guo Jianzi was bought with money. Scholars had to take exams, but the hats were the same. 2。 I thought maybe before

Draw a circle on "good" to identify the pronunciation. The original text is not marked. Please pay attention.

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Get an undeserved/undeserved reward

I remember a joke in "New Kobayashi Hiroji":

The prince of an emperor in the Jin Dynasty held a soup-cake banquet. A senior official stood up and said, "Congratulations to your majesty's heir to the harem. It's really a shame for us."

Get something for nothing "

The emperor primly said, "what are you talking about? Can this make Qing and others meritorious? "

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priestling

There was a young monk who ran into the yard with a long bamboo pole in the middle of the night, waving and banging at the night sky, making a scene.

Finally, the old monk was disturbed. The old monk asked, "What on earth are you doing without sleeping in the middle of the night?" Little monk.

Trembling with fear and courage, he replied, "Master, I want the stars in the sky, but no matter how hard I wave them."

Play, always can't play ... "When the old monk heard this, he suddenly flew into a rage and swore," You are so stupid.

Eggs, not even knowing such a simple question, are really stupid and unforgivable. How can you fight in a place like that? ...

You won't climb the roof. 」

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The official sits on the court, on both sides of the servant column. Suddenly I heard a fart, and I don't know who put it. The officer was furious and said, "Go to court."

Please, how dare you mess with my majesty? Give me the fart! Embarrassed, the officers said, Farts come and go like a gust of wind.

How to get it? The official said: How dare you buy and set free according to your personal feelings? What should you know? Just bring it quickly! The officers are at a loss.

I had to take a piece of dry shit and present it to the official, saying, report to your master, my fart ran away. I don't know where it went, so I just took it.

His family brought it.

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Once upon a time, there was an old scholar who never won a prize in his life.

I gave birth to two sons, so I named my eldest son [Shicheng].

The youngest son was named [failure]. He believes: "The fame of life lies between success and failure!"

One day, the old scholar went out and asked his wife to urge the children to practice calligraphy when he left.

Write 300 words, the smallest 200 words. When the old scholar came back, his wife went to check the situation.

The eldest son wrote fifty words less and the youngest son wrote fifty words more.

Soon, the old scholar came home and asked his wife how their son was doing with his homework. The wife replied:

"I wrote everything, but it's not enough, it's more than enough. Both are 250. "

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One day, two postmen met at a roadside stall at noon and had dinner together.

Shortly after sitting down, a snail climbed to the seat on their left.

A postman was so angry that he trampled the snail to death with his foot.

His companion asked him, "Did that snail make you angry?" He said, "Yes.

Ah! I have never seen such a disgusting snail. It followed me all morning.

I see. 』

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Once upon a time, there was a stupid son-in-law

One day, his father-in-law came to visit, and his father was just about to go out of town, so he taught him a lesson.

If your father-in-law asks you, "How do you manage these cows and horses in the yard so well?"

Just say, "Why should little animals mind!"

If he asks you, "Who is in charge of the family business?"

Just say, "My little husband can't control my dad!"

If you ask about the painting on the wall, say, "This is a famous painting by Tang Bohu."

And told him to praise it again before he left.

When his father-in-law came, he asked, "Where's your father?"

Answer: "Why should the little beast mind?" ! "

Hearing this, his father-in-law felt wrong and asked, "What about my daughter?"

A: "The little husband is incompetent and the father is in charge."

When his father-in-law heard this, he was very angry. After drinking, he scolded, "What are you talking about?"

He was very happy and said confidently, "This is a famous painting by Tang Bohu! ! "

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Gui Geng? Age?

Once upon a time, there was a man who was afraid of his wife. One day, he stole a box of rice cakes while his wife was away. Be quilt at night

When his wife found out, she scolded him severely and knelt down at night before she was allowed to sleep. The next day, the more he thought about it, the more he felt

Pass,

I don't know why my life is so bad, so I went to the streets to find a fortune teller to calculate my life.

The fortune teller asked, "What's your salary?" He quickly replied, "I didn't kneel for long, only until the third night."

The fortune teller said, "That's not what I asked. How old are you? " He said, "How many boxes can I steal? I

I only ate one box. "

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Impatient temperament

Feng Dao and Ning He were two great officials in the Five Dynasties. The former is chronic, while the latter is just the opposite.

One day, Ning He saw that Feng Dao bought a new pair of boots and asked, "How much did it cost?"

Feng Dao slowly raised one foot: "Nine hundred articles.

Hearing this, Ning He immediately flew into a rage and turned to scold the servant: "Why did you buy me those boots?"

1,800? "

He Ning became more and more angry when Feng Dao slowly raised his other foot and said slowly, "Don't worry."

, this is only nine hundred. "

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convention

As soon as a prefect arrived, the people performed and celebrated all day. Some people took the lead and shouted, "All over the state!"

Last name: Qi Qinghe, a blessing in disguise! "

The satrap called his predecessor a curse, but he regarded himself as a lucky star, and he was extremely happy. "Busy asked.

These two nouns are beautifully written. Who wrote it? "

The people replied, "This is a tradition handed down for many years, and the new governor will always shout like this when he takes office. Wait for your grandpa.

We leave office, the new satrap takes office, and you still shout like this! "

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mean

The father of stingy A has just passed away, and he wants to find a necromancer beyond Taoism. Taoist asking price 1000 yuan, A bargaining 800 yuan.

The Taoist agreed.

So the Taoist priest chanted, "Please go to the East, go to the East."

Qi Jia said, "Why not go to the Western Heaven?"

The Taoist priest said, "A thousand dollars goes to the west, and 800 dollars can only go to the east!" "

A had no choice but to agree to pay 1000 yuan. The Taoist changed his tune and said, "Please go to heaven."

At this moment, the curse of the old man Jia came from the coffin: "You unfilial son, just for this 200 yuan, let me run around."

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deceptious

A quack mistakenly threw the bait, which led to his death. Sick family punishment order

The doctor's family sang elegies and carried coffins to prepare for the funeral.

The doctor sang, "There are too many doctors in three generations, ahem."

The wife sings, "The husband's job is his wife's burden, ah, ah."

The younger son said, "But the dead man is very heavy, ahem."

The eldest son said, "In the future, I will only pick up thin doctors, ahem."

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be henpecked

Once upon a time, there was an old gentleman who mainly chose the prime minister!

And the qualification must be talented and brave! The most important thing is not to be afraid of your wife!

As a result, when the king said, those who are afraid of their wives stand on the right and those who are not afraid stand on the left!

As a result, most people immediately ran to the right, leaving only a brave general standing on the left!

The king was pleased to ask him why .............. said:

My wife said: I am not allowed to squeeze in crowded places. ..........

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