Jianghu emergency. Who needs funny jokes?

1. Short joke 1 There was a man who looked like an onion and cried when he walked. Two people fell into a trap. The dead are called the dead, but what are the names of the living? A: Call for help! What are you afraid of? Cloth is afraid of 10 thousand, paper is afraid of one thousand four. A fat man jumped from a tall building and turned out to be a dead fat man. Teacher: How to reduce white pollution? Classmate: Make the lunch box blue. One day, a male deer ran faster and faster and turned into a high-speed male deer. Miss 7: Business is bad now! Boss: Why? Miss: Bird flu. Which is the worst, tiger skin, elephant skin or lion skin? A: Elephant skin. Because eraser (poor) 9 Q: What are three things with one head and one foot? A: Three monsters with one head and one foot! 10 Once upon a time, a marshmallow was very tired. He said, I think I'm soft all over. 1 1 1 One day, the little yellow duck was hit by a car while crossing the road. He shouted, "Quack!" From then on, it became cucumber 12 Xiaoming: Kang, what did the shark become after eating mung beans? Kang: I don't know. Xiaoming: Silly. The elephant asked the camel, Why do your breasts grow on your back? Camel: Stay away, I don't talk to things with dicks on their faces! 14 how to make drinks bigger? Say the mercy curse. 2. Short joke 1 Two dung beetles discuss welfare lottery. A said: If I win the lottery, I will buy all the toilets within 50 miles of Fiona Fang and eat enough every day! B said: you are too vulgar! If I win the lottery, I will pack a living person and eat fresh food every day! One day, a mother-in-law took a bus. She doesn't know the way halfway. She spanked the driver with a stick and said, where is this? Driver: This is my ass. Once upon a time, a man was fishing and caught a squid. Squid begged him: please leave me alone, don't bake me to eat. The man said, well, let me ask you a few questions. Squid said happily: you can take the exam! Then the man roasted the squid. What is that man doing? He's shaking. Why is he shaking? He's cold. A: Oh, shivering won't make you feel cold. A sausage is kept in the refrigerator. It was cold, and then he looked at the other one next to him and said, look at you, you're frozen like this. You're covered in ice! The root of the tree said: Sorry, I'm a popsicle. There are two sausages in the refrigerator. After a long time, I shook them. Wow! It's cold! Another sausage said in surprise, huh? You are a sausage. How can you talk? Xiaoming cut his hair and went to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head is a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged and ran outside to cry. He cried and cried and then flew away. One day, Xiaomei and her boyfriend went out for a drive. The car was running out of gas, so they went to refuel. Suddenly a gust of wind blew away her boyfriend's hat. Xiaomei's boyfriend said to her: I'll pick up my hat and you help me cheer. As soon as her boyfriend ran away, she heard Xiaomei shouting behind her: Come on! Come on! One day, a girl went to tell her fortune. The fortune teller saw that she had a tattoo and said that your boyfriend's name was Liang Xiao, right? I saw that girl say with angry eyes: it's hate. 10 An orangutan walked through the Woods and accidentally picked up the feces of a gibbon. The kind orangutan cleaned up the ape's feces. Soon they fell in love. How did people ask you out together? The orangutan replied: it is ape dung (fate)! 1 1 MM got lost looking for the university. I met a gentle professor. Excuse me, how can I get to xx University? Professor: You can only study hard. 12 Polar bears and penguins play together. Penguins will pluck all their hair. After pulling it out, they said to the polar bear, how cold it is! Hearing this, the polar bear also pulled out all his hair. He turned to the penguin and said, it's cold! The ants went to the desert. Why didn't they leave footprints, only one line? Because it rides a bike! The ant came home from the desert. He didn't inform anyone, but his family knew he was back. Why? I saw his bike parked downstairs. 14 In the music class, the teacher played a Beethoven tune. Xiaoming asked Xiaohua: Do you know music? Xiaohua: Yes, Xiao Ming: Do you know what the teacher is playing? Xiaohua: Piano. A pair of corn fell in love. So they decided to get married. On the wedding day, corn couldn't find a wife. Corn asked the popcorn beside him: Have you seen our corn? Popcorn: Honey, I'm wearing a wedding dress. 16 The little penguin asked his grandmother one day: Grandma, am I a penguin? "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asks his father again, Dad, Dad, am I a penguin? "Yes, you are a penguin. Why? " "But, but why do I feel so cold?" 17 the director and the section chief share the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief, you fart! The section chief said: I didn't put it there. Soon, the section chief was dismissed. The director's reason is: you can't afford big things. What's your use? A woman trembled when she met a robber. She said, I'm from X school. I just graduated and haven't found a job yet. I really have no money. Hearing this, the robber shouted, "Sister, I'm from X school, too. Please bring your student ID card. It was x school that robbed me. Don't worry, I will never rob my own people! " The host of 19 asked: Can cats climb trees? The eagle scrambled to answer: the moderator: For example, the eagle burst into tears: That year, I fell asleep and the cat climbed the tree. Later, there was an owl 20. A man, who has a bad stomach, came to the hospital to see a doctor. He said to the doctor: I eat everything, eat watermelon and cucumber! The doctor thought about it and said to him, I think you have to eat shit! 2 1 What do African cannibals eat? Dude, the director is ill and the doctor made him a vegetarian. What does he eat? Vegetarian. 3. A long cold joke (but funny) 1 A blind beggar was begging in the street wearing sunglasses. A drunk came up and felt sorry for him, so he threw him a hundred dollars. After walking for a while, the drunk turned around and saw that the blind man was distinguishing the authenticity of the hundred-dollar copy. The drunk came over and took the money back and said, you fucking don't want to live, how dare you lie to me! The beggar said with a look of grievance, "Brother, I'll look here for my friend. He was blind and went to the toilet, but I was actually dumb. "Oh, yes." So the drunk dropped the money and staggered away. One day, the teacher took a group of children to the mountain to pick fruit. She announced: "children, after picking the fruit, we will wash and eat together." All the children went to pick fruit. "Xiaohua: I'm washing apples because I picked them. Teacher: What about you, Xiaomei? Xiaomei: I'm washing tomatoes. Because I picked tomatoes. Teacher: The children are great! Where is Amin? A-Ming: I'm washing my shoes because I stepped on shit. I visited 100 penguins in the Antarctic. Seeing 1 penguin, I asked, "Penguin, what do you usually do? Penguin 1: Eat, sleep and beat peas. See Penguin 2 and ask: Penguin, what do you usually do? Penguin 2: Eat, sleep and beat peas ... See Penguin 99 and ask: Penguin, what do you usually do? Penguin 99: Eat, sleep and beat peas. On 100, the inspector said: Do you usually eat and sleep and play peas? Penguin 100 said: no, the inspector who ate and slept said: why don't you fight peas? Penguin 100 said: because, because, because I am a bean, 4 people have just been abandoned by their girlfriends. It happened that he caught his ex-girlfriend flirting with his new lover, and the more he watched it, the more angry he became, trying to humiliate them. So he made a polite greeting and said contemptuously to his girlfriend's new lover: Hey, don't you dislike the second-hand goods I used? Just as he was proud of his creativity, his ex-girlfriend smiled: one inch outside is old, and all inside is new! There is a penguin whose home is far from the polar bear's home. It will take 20 years to get there on foot. One day, Penguin was bored at home. He wanted to play with polar bears. So he went out, only to find that he forgot to lock the door halfway. It's been 10 years, and the door is still locked. So the penguin went home and locked the door. As a result, the polar bear opened the door and said to him, let's go to your house to play. Dialogue between two college students A: You are from Xinjiang B: Yes A: Wow, it's so far. A: Is Xinjiang liberated? No, we all carry guns in class. You used to speak Chinese! B: Well, I learned it on the train when I first arrived. Do you still eat raw meat? Our boss invented burning wood to make a fire. We eat barbecue. Next time I travel to Lhasa, I will stay at your home. No problem, but my home is a little far from Lhasa. How did you come to school? B: Go to Beijing by donkey and fly. That must take a long time, right? B: I'm used to it. Just leave six months in advance! Why not ride a horse? B: In Xinjiang, people who ride horses are all poor people's jobs, as we have tested. They all ride camels and donkeys. Then there was no college entrance examination in Xinjiang, and all the exams were archery. Put a sign one kilometer away and write "Peking University" next to "Tsinghua". Then a person has three chances. The first shot of Tsinghua and the second shot of Peking University failed. Finally, I took the latest insurance sign. B: No, I hadn't heard of it before I went to college. So you're not buying anything? B: We took a fancy to others carrying sheep, and the sheep was used as money! China New Year is coming. Are firecrackers allowed in Xinjiang? Who will set off firecrackers? We all throw grenades and bury mines to play! 7. The little white rabbit skipped to the bakery and asked, Boss, do you have a hundred buns? Boss: Sorry, there are not so many "like this". The little white rabbit left in frustration. The next day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. " Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns? ""Boss: Sorry, I still haven't. " The little white rabbit left in frustration again. On the third day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, there are one hundred steamed stuffed buns? "The boss said happily: Yes, there are one hundred steamed buns today! The little white rabbit took out the money: great, I'll buy two! The hunter rode a horse and took the hounds to hunt, but he slipped in the Woods all day without any prey. It was dark, but he didn't want to continue riding in the Woods. Suddenly, the horse said, you won't let me rest, and you want to kill me. The hunter was startled, immediately rolled off his horse and ran away with the hound. When he ran to a big tree and gasped, the dog patted his chest and said to him, I'm scared to death. This horse can talk! The hunter was scared to death on the spot. Plagiarism is shameless. The landlord is not enough. I still have it. You can add q and I'll pass it on to you.