Are there any jokes suitable for children?

Yao and Li met at the tea pavilion.

Li asked Yao, "May I have your name, please?"

Yao said, "Your surname is Yao."

Li Dao: "But add the word thief and prostitute to the ominous sign?"

Hearing this, Yao turned to answer Li.

Yao replied, "But that wooden coffin is a childless son here?"

Dad said to his son, "What should you do when you meet a cobra?"

Son: "Knock out its eyes first and run!" " "

The word "piece" in an auto parts factory has been reduced to "cow"

An old man pulled a cow over and muttered, "A car with a cow must have at least a tractor."

Several people were watching the sunrise, and one pointed to the treetops and said, "I saw it." Others also said they saw it. At this time, a man behind the tree came out with trousers: "I saw it when I saw it." What are you shouting? " ? "

There is no desert in the world. Every time I miss you, God drops a grain of sand, and there is Sahara from now on!

These days, I've been trying to say three words to you, but I'm afraid I can't even make friends and control my feelings. Finally, I get up the courage to say to you-"borrow some money"

A bookworm is used to reading while walking.

One day, he accidentally bumped into a pig on the road. He said without looking up, "I'm sorry, madam." It turned out to be a pig.

The next day, he really collided with a lady. This time, while reading a book, he murmured, "Whose pig is this? It was released again today. "

An old lady and Lao Wang live in an apartment for the elderly. She wanted to please Lao Wang, so one day she ran naked in the hall on purpose. When Lao Wang saw it, he shook his head and said, "You are getting more and more ridiculous. If you don't want to iron this suit, dare to take it out and wear it. "

"Because more and more women advocate new simple clothes, such as miniskirts, overalls and shorts," a wife is reading a news in the newspaper with relish, "according to statistics, street accidents have been reduced by half."

At this moment, the husband who was watching TV suddenly interjected, "Then why don't you try to put an end to traffic accidents completely?"

In the evening, a four-year-old son was lying in bed. He asked his father, "Dad, give me an apple!" " "

"Son, it's too late. The apple has gone to bed. "

"No, the younger one may be asleep, and the older one must still be awake!"

The platoon leader shouted the slogan: "Look to the right!" Everyone turned their heads to the right, but the last one looked to the left. The platoon leader asked him:

"Why do you look to the left? ! "

"Report platoon leader, I'm afraid the enemy will attack from the left." The man gave a serious answer.

A fat lady finally got on an extremely crowded bus. When the bus started, she tried to reach into her trouser pocket several times to feel the fare, but she just didn't feel it. At this time, she is really anxious.

"Let me pay the fare for you!" Suddenly a strange man next to her said to her.

"Thank you, I'll pay for it myself." She refused ungrateful.

"I think I'll pay for your car." The man said impatiently, "Because you have taken out my pants pocket several times."

The dirtiest leg

A man went to see a doctor and said to the doctor, "My leg is inflamed."

Doctor: "Let me see."

He lifted the corners of his trousers to reveal a black and dirty leg. "

Doctor: "I bet your legs are the dirtiest in this city."

Man: "Doctor, you lost." So he raised his other leg: "Look at my leg."

Fish that can't be caught

Sister: "Sister, what do you mean?"

Sister: "It is said in the story that the stone is so beautiful that even the fish can't consciously compare with it, so it sinks into the water ............."

Sister: "No wonder I never catch fish."

A man went to the hospital for an injection and hit him in the arm. The doctor wiped it with a cotton ball and frowned all the time.

He saw the doctor frowning and asked anxiously, "Doctor, is my condition getting worse?"

Doctor: "How long has it been since you took a bath?"

Son: "I took an ancient history test today and asked who' Laozi' was. I can't remember clearly!"

Father: "Idiot, do you forget when you meet every day?" Lao tze is me! "

cheat

"Do you know that Jim was caught cheating in the exam?"

"What's the matter?"

"During the exam, he reached into his clothes and counted his ribs."

"So what?"

"That's an exam in human anatomy."

One day, the father asked his son to buy a lock. 、

After a while, my son came back empty-handed.

Dad: "Why didn't you buy a lock? Have you lost money? "

Son: "I haven't lost my money." I forgot to ask you if you want to buy a key? "

The postman sent a telegram, nicknamed chopsticks. He walked into the room carefully and said, "Dad, your telegram."

Dad saw it and asked strangely; "Why are you holding it with chopsticks?"

The nickname says, "I'm afraid of electric shock!" " "

A well-dressed lady stood at the gate and a beggar came up to her.

"Madam, please give me a piece of cake?"

"How about bread without cake?"

"No, because today is my birthday."

A champion athlete is bedridden with a bad cold. The doctor told him that he was running a high fever. He asked, "What's the temperature?"

The doctor said, "4 1 degree!"

The athlete asked eagerly again; "So what's the world record?"

Teacher; "Tell me, Xiao Ming, why are you always late?"

Xiao Ming: "Yes, sir. Because every time I walk 300 meters away from the school, I always see a sign that reads; " XXX school 300 meters ahead-go slow! "

The teacher said to a student who had just woken up from sleep, "I deliberately gave lectures loudly, but you deliberately slept."

"I sleep on purpose, and you make trouble on purpose." The students answered.

Hello, Gogo Jiangnan, I have been listening to your program for a long time. I left a lot of words before, but I haven't read them. My home is in Anhui, and I like to listen to entertainment at home. Now the university has come to Heilongjiang. I thought I couldn't hear your program, but I listened to it again by chance. I'm so excited! I hope to see so many collections this time. I want to order a song for some buddies in our dormitory, which belongs to Zhu Mingjie. I hope I can get it.

Military jokes

There is a habit in the army to call platoon leaders by their surnames first, and then use typesetting to show the difference between different platoon leaders.

Example: Zhang is called Zhang Pai and Li Pai.

One day, the company commander asked Jiang Pai for something and found a rookie to call someone.

Company commander: Hello! You go and send Jiang Pai&; Go find Lin Pai.

Caitou: Jiangpai and Linpai?

The vegetable bug excitedly ran to Zhongshan room to touch a box of medals, but couldn't figure out where to get a mental row. Suddenly, Ji Ling

When I moved, I saw a portrait of the founding father hanging on my bed. I suddenly made a big mistake and thought it should be this! So I laughed and sucked.

The statue of the founding father of our country, with a medal in it, ran to ............., and the company commander opened his feet.

Ps. Isn't that cow called steak?

Eyes like the moon

Man: Miss ~ I think your eyes look like the moon said!

Woman: Really! (secretly pleased ing)

M: Yes! ! At first glance, it looks like the fifteenth ... At first glance, it looks like the first day. ...

Female: *&; ^%$#! @#$%…。

How to deal with mosquitoes?

Recently, I have spent more time in the research room, and I found many mosquitoes at night … In order to clean up mosquitoes, I thought of a very fun way …

It's best not to kill a mosquito with too much force ... just knock it out, break a wing, or

One foot, let her run not far. Then put it in the place where ants haunt. After that. You will envy ants.

The concepts of unity and division of labor. Soon, a mosquito was decomposed, leaving only wings and feet ... (I don't understand.

Why don't ants eat wings and feet) or you can watch ants and mosquitoes tug of war. The method is: capture a very

Vibrant mosquitoes, read mosquito's feet on the table (wall) with tape, and soon you can see the ants begin.

Get ready for action, ... I wonder if mosquitoes will want to break their feet and escape.

All I see is the stump ... the body has rotted. ) this trick can make two creatures unable to contact each other.

Have a chance to contact ... haha! !

Hunger thirty

Xiaoming has been a warm-blooded young man since he was in junior high school, and he is particularly interested in helping the poor.

One day, he was using photos of African refugee children to explain to his grandmother in her seventies the meaning of being hungry for thirty.

And hope grandma can donate private money. ...

After explaining for a long time, I saw grandma pushing reading glasses and saying angrily, dead child! ! How dare you lie to your grandparents?

The child in the photo has the money to perm his hair so curly but has no money to eat. Who are you kidding? !

Whose is this?

There is a couple who want a divorce, but they have a child and both want it.

So I went to court.

The wife said: I gave birth to the baby. You were cool when I gave birth to the baby.

So the baby should be mine.

The judge thought for a moment and said, hmm! ! You're right. The baby is yours.

Husband felt wrong, as a result, he suddenly wanted to think, said:

No, no. ! Your honor, please! ! Have you ever seen a vending machine?

The judge said: How!

The husband said: the drink you put in and took out is yours, so the child is mine.

The judge thought for a moment and said, hmm! You are right! The baby is yours.

Fairy: I gave my dog a bath yesterday and it came out. Dead.

Barry: Take a shower? Impossible, right?

Fairy: Well, if the washing machine didn't kill her, it was the dryer.

Barry: # * @! $

Lifeguard: I have watched you for a long time. You can't pee in the swimming pool! ! !

Barry: But everyone pees in the swimming pool!

Lifeguard: But no one stands on the platform like you! ! ! ! !

Eight-force manual, super brain rotation

Q: How do you get off the elephant?

A: Not at all, because you are sitting on a horse.

Q: Which side is better for the handle of the teapot?

A: Outside.

Q: What is above the general?

His hat.

Q: Where is the Friday before Tuesday?

In the English dictionary.

Barry: I seem to be in love with a dog.

Fairy: What? A male dog?

Barry: Of course it's a bitch! You think I'm a pervert?

Tell sb's fortune

Zhu: Do you believe in horoscope fortune telling?

We Virgos,

Don't just believe in horoscope fortune telling!

Play stringed instruments

Mom: Mute, wash your hands before you can play the piano!

Dumb: Never mind! All I have to do is play the black keys! !

Military jokes

The section chief confessed one thing. The result will not be done.

One day later ...

Section chief: that pot ... captain ... how is it going?

Captain: report to the section chief ... I ... I won't.

Section Chief: No? ... you got a fake master's degree ...

Captain: Report to the section chief ... This ... has nothing to do with academic qualifications ...

Section chief: you fucking bastard ... you talk back when you say it.

Captain: The report ... is true.

Section Chief: Asshole … Come here … Your mother didn't give you an ass, did she?

Section chief: damn it, I won't look at what people used to do.

Watch porn before sex.

Captain: Yes, yes. ...

The second lieutenant thought (so lame. We need to watch porn first ... Your mother didn't give you a brother. )

Why is he so young?

This is an advertisement a long time ago …

Adapted by later generations ...

Man: Miss, you dropped your silk scarf!

Woman: Thank you.

You are my classmate in high school.

Woman: I am your high school teacher! !

Who are you? Teacher Chen

Woman: Yes, Mr. Wang! !

Man: I'm Wang's father! !

Narrator: Why is he so young?

rob

It is said that a mother used a bag she bought from a department store to pack garbage … when she was carrying this "garbage bag"

Going out from downstairs to throw garbage at the garbage dump, suddenly a robber on a motorcycle snatched her bag from behind.

The garbage bag was robbed. Mother was so anxious that she shouted, "Robbery!" Robbery! "Then there was a policeman.

Cha ran over and asked his mother, "What did he take from you?" Mom replied, "He ... male ... he took it away.

I bought a bag of rubbish. 』

Mr. Wang is busy writing the last verse of this novel. The four-year-old twins in the room wrestled on the floor and pulled each other's hair;

The two-year-old doll knocked over the milk and stood on the chair crying; The puppy pulled down the curtains and ran around the yard. Mrs.wang

Carrying a big bucket of clothes through the study, the probe asked, "How's it going?" "Mr. Wang is tall and almost ready.

Xing replied, "The hero is proposing to the heroine." Mrs. Wang said, "Please! You have to make her refuse,

So that she can live happily in the future. 」

pilot

One day, A Ping, Anan's good friend as a pilot, borrowed his car.

Ann has been afraid since she lent it out.

Xiao Ming asked him when he saw it.

"What are you worried about? Are you worried about his accident? 』

Anam replied:

"no! I'm worried about my car. "

"Do you know his occupation? Pilot! Yeah! 』

"I am afraid that when he overtakes, he will not overtake from the left or from the right, but accelerate in a straight line and then pull up the steering wheel."

barge

One day at the bowling alley:

Air: Do you have a lighter?

Ken: Shoot the turkey? You can't even play x? What kind of turkeys do you have?