Honghu fortune-telling sketch _ Honghu fortune-telling sketch full version

Lines from the sketch "Psychological Clinic"

(The doctor sings as he walks out)

Doctor: "Singing Peking Opera: I think at the beginning, my mother's clinic just opened, with only two or three stools, a total of seven or eight cans. I was confused when I was chased by the police. Thanks to * * University, he let me hide here. I looked around to see what the police were doing. Hey, hey, nobody, hey ~ ~ This kind of life is too difficult, which makes me feel too uncomfortable, so my mother is very busy. Hey ~ ~ What do you want from me? I didn't see it. Listen, white coat, I'm a doctor and a psychologist. Actually, my major is not studying medicine, but cheating. Zhao Benshan, the cheating king, is my master. Recently, business is not good, what financial crisis, financial storm, financial tsunami, I really have nowhere to complain, and the police uncle is no longer serving the people. It is urgent to check the unlicensed clinic. There's nothing I can do. I can only transfer. However, I was still very angry and opened a psychological clinic here. So far, I have everything except one patient.

(The doctor turns around and the lovelorn man appears)

Lovelorn man: it's hard to be a man! It's hard to be a man! It's harder to be a man. . College boys are even harder!

Doctor: (to the audience) Hey, look at it. Look at it. It's a night of talking about ghosts and people, and another big head is delivered to the door. (To the lovelorn man) Hey, this difficult classmate, tell me what's bothering you. I can save you from your pain!

Lovelorn man: You. . You, you (pointing to the doctor excitedly) can really get me out of my misery.

Doctor: Of course.

Lovelorn man: Oh ~ (I want to kneel) My own mother ~ ~ ~ Help (cry).

Doctor: AAAA. No ceremony, no ceremony. I don't have a son your age.

Lovelorn man: Sister, you have to help me!

Doctor: Well, this is no problem, but this (as a requirement for money)

Lovelorn man: Oh, oh, this, I know I know (giving money), it's okay!

Doctor: Hehehe (counting money) Yes, you can tell me what's going on!

Lovelorn man: Alas, I remember the first snow in 2009, which was a little later than that in 2008. I met her, got to know her and fell in love with her (hugging and smirking).

Doctor: Good, good, and then what?

Broken-hearted man: Then, then, the sound of Erquan reflecting the moon (sobbing), she bothers me, saying that the more I look at it, the more I look like my sister-in-law, and that she is seasick. Seeing me is like seeing the sea. She wants to throw up. She, she, she just abandoned me (sniffling, throwing napkins)

Doctor: (to the audience) Hey, ask what the world is like and sink back, I suddenly think of home. Men don't flick when they have tears, but they can't reach the sad place. This is a poor child. (Pat the lovelorn man on the back to appease him)

Lovelorn man: (Cover your face with a tissue and continue to sob)

Doctor: Come on, brother, that's it. Leave him alone. Maybe it's providence.

Lovelorn man: (throwing a tissue) Singing: If everything is providence, everything is fate, and no one can escape ~ ~ ~.

Doctor: (pulling the lovelorn man) Well, I'll give you a bottle of Andy Lau's brother's forgetfulness water to make you forget the past. There are thousands of beautiful women in the world, Qian Qian. Why hang yourself in this tree? Look, I'm not bad either. (as self-appreciation)

Lovelorn man: Help me when I'm hungry. (Running off the stage)

Doctor: People should be famous and pigs should be strong. Handsome guys like to be cool, and beautiful women compete for beauty. Good dogs go out for private parties at night, and donkeys play hooligans in the street. Hehehe, you see, this man has only two words: bear!

The doctor turns back to his seat, and the spoony girl comes out with a satchel on her back. )

Spoony girl: Look at the boy opposite, look, look, the girls here drive you crazy.

Doctor: (looking at the spoony girl) Who are you?

Spoony girl: Since you ask me sincerely, I will tell you with mercy! In order to prevent the world from being destroyed, to protect the handsome guys and beautiful women in the world, to carry out the beauty of love and truth, the lovely and charming super beauty ~ ~ Pan Jinlian also!

Doctor: Yo-ho, you must be Wu Dalang's wife and Ximen Qing's lover. You don't stay in the water margin. What are you doing here?

Spoony girl: Yo yo, what are you talking about? I am a customer of your clinic, and I am your God.

Doctor: My God, what do you want to consult?

Spoony girl: Hey ~ ~ ~ I really love him.

Doctor: What do you mean?

Spoony girl: He is charming and handsome, and looks like Pan An. He is the prince charming in my heart.

Doctor: That may be the Tang Priest.

Infatuated girl: Then I am the king of my daughter country, hee hee. He is mine ~ ~ ~

Doctor: Oh, what an idiot (to the audience). Good, then what's bothering you?

Spoony girl: Coco, but I dare not tell him, I can only keep it in my heart. So "sing: Oh, Oh, I love you in my heart, I don't know what to say, Oh, I love you in my heart." . . 》

Doctor: So I have a crush on someone else, hmm. It's too easy.

Spoony girl: Ah, easy. I thought of it, but I didn't think of tea and rice. Can't eat anything (take out potato chips to eat)

Doctor: (pointing to spoony girl) Can't you eat like this? I think you eat more than anyone else.

Spoony girl: This is eating, and this is potato chips.

Doctor: Well, that's more worrying.

Spoony girl: (eating potato chips) My Prince Charming ~ ~ ~

Doctor: It's not difficult.

Spoony girl: Really, really? (Full of joy, running to the doctor) What should I do?

Doctor: Look back.

Spoony girl: (looking back) What are you looking at? It's nothing.

Doctor: Why not? Behind it is the vast sunshine avenue. You, go back and forth again. When we get to the dormitory, we arrive at the terminal.

Spoony girl: What are you talking about? What should I do?

Doctor: Why do you want to go back? Go back and dress up and tell him boldly.

Spoony girl: Oh, I'm afraid.

Doctor: Don't be afraid, he won't eat you. Tell him your psychological words.

Infatuated woman: (throwing away the potato chips and saying confidently) Well, I'm not afraid of "singing: I'm not afraid to meet handsome guys, I'm nervous, I'm not afraid" (running off the stage)

Doctor: Oh, and, and you should cherish it. Don't be like Pan Jinlian. (to himself) Pan Jinlian is not a good bird.

(The doctor says to himself, and goes back to his seat. The girl with glasses came out with a book. )

Glasses sister: (to the audience) Studying is hard and tiring, and you have to pay tuition. However, when you join the new society, you have no knowledge, no status and great employment pressure. Everyone is studying for a degree, everyone says. Are you tired?

Doctor: (smiling at the glasses girl) Hello, this little classmate.

Glasses sister: (whispering) Hello, who is calling, please?

Doctor: I, I am the light in your darkness, and I will follow you.

Glasses sister: Oh, oh, so you fix street lamps.

Doctor: Khan, have you ever seen such a beautiful street lamp sister?

Glasses sister: So what do you do?

Doctor: I am a psychologist who is brave in chivalry, draws his sword to help when the road is rough, and Hua Tuo is alive, saving people from jumping off buildings and helping people who are lovelorn.

Glasses sister: Oh, oh, the doctor in my heart. Hello, goodbye. (Want to leave)

Doctor: Er, little classmate, I think your Tang Yin is black and your lips are purple. Something seems to be bothering you.

Glasses sister: (surprised) Hey, are you a fortune teller? How do you know I'm worried?

Doctor: I, this, hehe, this secret can't be revealed.

Glasses sister: Oh, oh.

Doctor: (to the audience) Who can't see that this fool has something on his mind? Haha, wait till I get him hooked. (To the woman with glasses) You can tell me what you are thinking. Maybe I can help you.

Glasses sister: (ecstatic) Really, then I, (decadent) forget it.

Doctor: No, I don't. I'll give you a discount

Glasses sister: Hey, everyone says I'm a nerd. Soak in a book every day, just like instant noodles, trapped in a bucket.

Doctor: It is good to read more books. There is a golden house in the book, and there is Yan Ruyu in the book.

Glasses sister: What's delicious? You have no idea how stressful it is. Look, look, these glasses take up half of my face and my nose is squashed.

Doctor: That's right. Night gives you black eyes. You use them to find light. That's right. You have a bright future.

Glasses sister: There is still a future. It's hard to find a job now. Find a job as a tutor. Finally, someone else will tutor you.

Doctor: Little classmate, is stress inevitable? Everyone has pressure. Look at me, I still have to watch out for the police and urban management all day, just like a mouse hiding from a cat. This day is really not a human life (I took the book of my glasses sister and tore it off to wipe my tears).

Glasses sister: er, er, my book.

Doctor: Oh, oh, sorry, I'm not normal.

Glasses woman: Well, (pointing to the doctor) pervert.

Doctor: Ahem, it's a gaffe.

Glasses sister: Hey, doctor, doctor, what did you just say about avoiding the police? Why are you avoiding the police?

Doctor: Ah, oh, (scratching his head awkwardly) This, that? Oh, oh, they also want to consult me. They are sick, too.

Glasses sister: Oh, I see, you are amazing!

Doctor: With Xiao Di dead, we are so talented!

Glasses sister: talented, ah (crying)

Doctor: What's the matter with you?

Glasses sister: Ah (crying), my sisters say I study hard. After reading so much, my IQ is only four thousandths.

Doctor: That's quite high.

Glasses sister: What's her height? It is 250.

Doctor: Ah, it turns out to be four thousandths (snickering).

Glasses sister: You are still smiling. (sobbing)

Doctor: Ahem, hmm. (Thinking) Well, I'll test you to see how high your IQ is.

Glasses sister: OK, I don't believe it. I am 250.

Doctor: Then listen carefully. This question has a high IQ. Six professors in your school didn't answer.

Glasses sister: Ah, it's so hard. None of the six professors can play, so I ~ ~ ~

Doctor: That's all right. Just try it. The professor didn't answer my question. After listening to the answer, they all beat me excitedly.

Glasses sister: Ah, it's so serious.

Doctor: Yes, I am a person with high IQ!

Glasses sister: Then ask.

Doctor: Listen to the question: Elephants fart. What are the names of two songs?

Glasses sister: (opens her mouth wide) Ah! Elephants fart, or two songs.

Doctor: Well, two songs.

Glasses sister: This, this, is too difficult.

Doctor: That's right. Otherwise, how could those six professors hit me!

Glasses sister: Well, well, it seems that I am still 250.

Doctor: I can't answer it. I'll announce the answer.

Glasses sister: Well, tell me about it.

Doctor: Think about it. Elephants fart. Elephant, big, big.

Glasses sister: Well, I still don't know!

Doctor: (depressed) Oh, you are really, elephant fart, two songs, I really need to think about it.

Glasses sister: so it will be very Dang, I really want to think about it!

Doctor, an elephant? Fart is not, when ~ ~ so loud!

Glasses sister: Ah, (surprised) I see. No wonder six university professors beat you.

Doctor: Ahem, this is a high IQ. Let me ask you one more question.

Glasses sister: Can I answer it?

Doctor: No problem, please listen to the question: Elephants fart ~ ~ ~

Glasses sister: (quick answer) Dang and I really need to think about it.

Doctor: Congratulations, you can answer first.

Glasses sister: Really? I got it right. Oh, I got it right.

Doctor: Your IQ is really high, even higher than Mount Everest.

Glasses sister: Hehe, I think they dare to call me 250. Hehe, thank Hua Tuo (jumping off)

Doctor: It's hopeless. Buying four such children is really 1000 yuan, (turning around) 250 yuan each.

(Couples come out, women come out first, men come out with things)

Singing: (female) people on the ground are in pairs, (male) university life is smiling, (female) no longer lovesickness, (joint) both husband and wife go home, (female) you buy food and cook, and you carry water and wash dishes.

Man: Why do I do all the housework at home? Why do I always get hurt?

Woman: I am the landlord because of your site. .

Man: (to the audience) Hey, that man was right. It's hard to be a man! It's hard to be a man, and it's even harder to be a man in college! Why do you think I'm so tired? My girlfriend is as fierce as a tiger, peeling me to the bone, dancing in front of me with a kitchen knife, throwing a pot at me and looking at me coldly. Is the whole thing terrible? ..

Woman: Yo yo, you're still complaining, ah (making a man's gesture)

Man: honey, I dare not, I dare not.

Woman: You are quite calm! May I see your face? Small eyes, single eyelid, diamond nose. The longer the mouth, the more it looks like a navel. The people of the whole country will not agree unless they are abused!

Man: Hey, I want to cry. Ah, I'm tired.

Woman: Look, look, there is a psychological clinic ahead. Our relationship has been a little fractured recently. Please consult. Are you sick or sick?

Man: Why am I hurt again?

Doctor: Hello, what do you want to consult?

W: We are asking about marriage.

Doctor: Oh, get married. No problem (take out the sign tube)

M: Is this counseling or fortune telling?

Doctor: the nature is the same, and the nature is the same (seriously)

W: OK, I'll do it. I'll do it. (Shakes the label to the doctor) Look.

Doctor: (fortune-telling), this constellation is the next one. Your relationship seems to be not harmonious recently.

Man: (dumbfounded) Ah, how accurate!

Doctor: I'm flattered.

Woman: What rescue? Although you damn fool hate it, Dangdang coolies have passed.

M: I can only do coolies (helpless)

Doctor: Well (as a demand for money)

Woman: Oh, oh, this is no problem, dead man. Give me the money quickly.

Man: Oh, oh, (dawdling for money)

Woman: What a bore! Come on, come on.

Man: Honey, you just used up all your money.

Woman: I don't care, you give me the money right away, otherwise, (fist) French service.

Man: Ah! How can my life be so bitter? There is no justice in this.

Doctor: Hee hee, with this, things will be easy to solve.

Woman: Hey hey, doctor, you say, you say.

Doctor: You see, if you are (female) Red Taro and you are (male) the Wolf, your life will be joyful, noisy and loving.

Man: Really, I don't feel love at all.

Woman: No, (holding the man in his arms and whispering) I love you very much.

M: (to the audience) Now I'm miserable. I have to get a women's list when I go home.

Doctor: Look, look, what a wonderful ending in dzogchen.

Woman: Hehe, thank you, teacher, Amitabha.

Man: No, she is a Taoist. Oh, my God, my God, my God, my God, my God.

Doctor: (getting up angrily, pointing to the couple) Hey, you, you, you two must blow in your life, you must blow.

(siren rings)

Doctor: Oh, my God, the police are coming, help ~ ~ ~ (rushing off the stage)