It's funny for fortune tellers to tell others _ Is it funny for fortune tellers to tell others?

Have you ever met a liar or joke that makes people laugh until they get cramped? Can you share it?

There are several female patients in the cramp joke: doctor, you asked me to stick my tongue out, why don't you watch it? Doctor: I don't want to see your tongue. I told you to stick it out. I just want you to keep quiet while I write the prescription.

My father and brother are four years old. The eldest brother and the fourth brother went to college and settled in the city. They are also quite rich. The second and third children are farmers, my father is the third, and then my cousin (the daughter of my uncle's family) went to Tsinghua. My father once said that I, you and your sister are all the same grandfather. Why are you so different? I replied, you and my uncle are still the same father, poor thing. That was the worst beating in my life.

3. After drinking with friends at night, take a taxi home by yourself. As soon as I got on the taxi, the driver asked me, "Young man, have you been drinking?" I was a little surprised: "Hey! Master, your nose is smart enough to smell the wine on my body? " The driver said, "Smell your plum! Get out of my house first! "

A very fat woman got on the bus and couldn't find a seat, so she had to pull the pull ring on the bus. Unexpectedly, the driver suddenly braked, and the fat woman broke the pull ring and jumped in front of the driver. The driver looked at her and the pull ring on her hand and said angrily, "There are three sets. Send a signed photo to the driver."

5, queuing to buy meat buns, a man bought one, just turned around and fell to the ground. He picked it up and turned to the store and said, "Boss, can you trade in the old one?" Boss. . .

6. I squatted on the bus yesterday, my legs were numb for too long, and I limped on the bus. A child thinks I am disabled and wants to give up my seat. After a while, my leg healed, but I was embarrassed to say that I would return my seat to him. When I got off the bus and pretended to limp, I heard someone shouting behind me: Uncle, that's not your lame leg just now.

7. In the beauty salon, a child next to him kept crying and wanted to find his mother. Called the mother who was doing beauty, and the child looked at it and continued to cry, still looking for his mother. The man holding the baby suddenly shouted to his mother, "Don't take off your makeup, your son doesn't even know you!" " "

8. Let my mother-in-law come to my house to play, help her buy a plane ticket, lest she bring contraband, and then call her and ask her not to bring anything. There is everything on the plane. She replied to me: Is there any money on the plane?

9. One day, I heard a friend quarreling with his sister. Sister: "Get out!" Friend: "well, fuck off and don't call me back!" " "Sister:" I didn't tell you to go straight, I told you to go back and forth! " "

10, in summer, my face was tanned. I told my husband more than once that I wanted to buy a private car. In the evening, I tentatively said to my husband, "I ride my bike to work every day and get burnt into briquettes;" It's too crowded by bus. I still want to buy ... "My husband quickly took over and said," Buy if you want! A sun hat doesn't cost much, so don't discuss it with me. "

The following are the jokes I have heard to share with you. You can like them.

1

The afternoon after that blind date! I politely invited the beauty to eat beef Lamian Noodles, during which I gave all the beef to the beauty, saying that I didn't like beef. I can see that the beauty is very happy! Later, the beautiful woman asked me out to eat beef noodles several times. I only eat noodles every time I give beef clips to beautiful women! N years later, when the beauty invited me to eat beef noodles again, I ate all the noodles in one breath. I looked up and the beautiful woman looked at me dumbfounded! Me: Why don't you eat? Why are you looking at me? Beauty: I'm still waiting for you to sandwich me with beef! How did you finish it? I smiled and replied, Wife, I like beef very much, too. ...

2

Today, I heard my neighbor beating my child. The child cried and said, you don't love me at all. My mother never hits me! His father may get angry and scold: Does your mother love you? I hit you with a stick, and your mother hit you with drugs. If it hadn't expired, you would have stayed in the septic tank!

three

Chatting in the group yesterday, a group friend said: I'll send ten red envelopes later, a total of 200 yuan! Let me say: don't send it yet, I kicked all the members in the group, and if you send it again, it will be all mine, Gaga! Everyone in the group knows that I am alone, and I am happy to know that I am joking. At this time, there is a group member Aite @ me: the group is big, even if you kick us all out! You can only get one red envelope, and the remaining nine will be returned to the employer. Are you so stupid? Well ... I don't care about others. This product must be kicked.

four

After several years of marriage, my daughter-in-law still gives my mother some small gifts from time to time. She often massages my mother's back when she goes to my parents' house. She also accompanies my mother to buy food and go shopping from time to time, making my mother happy and saying good things about my daughter-in-law. Sometimes my daughter-in-law and I get into a little trouble. Whenever my daughter-in-law complained, my mother rushed over and grabbed my ear and shouted, "I'm a girl from other provinces, so I don't want a bride price." I'm married to our family, and I'm still so filial to my in-laws. What do you want? " I didn't think it was a good idea, so I bought a fur coat to please my mother, but as soon as I turned around, my mother called my daughter-in-law and complained that I secretly hid my private money. I was so angry that I asked my mother the next day, "Mom, did you give birth to me or did you pick me up?" My mother smiled and said, "You must be pregnant in October, but these days, a good daughter-in-law is better than a good son."

I hope you like it.

Share a few things that I find funny.

1

My cousin is in the fifth grade, 1 m 65, like an adult. I took her to dinner today. She is still a child. A bug flew to her clothes and she cried. I said to her, "Why are you crying? What's the use of crying? Stop it. Then several women at the next table stared at me, and one of them called me love rat.

2

My boyfriend and I went to the supermarket, picked out some things separately, and then went to the cashier in tandem. I walked in front, waiting for the cashier to finish the goods, then turned to my boyfriend and said, handsome boy, can you pay for me? Pay. I'll go with you tonight. Everyone around us was shocked and looked at us silently, but not high. The real climax is: just as my boyfriend took out money to help me pay the bill, and everyone around him was whispering, one or two girls in the back suddenly patted her boyfriend on the shoulder and whispered, handsome boy, please pay me, and I will go with you!

three

On a remote mountain road, a girl stopped a car and wanted a ride. The driver said, "Let me see your lifeline." The girl held out her hand and the driver looked at it carefully. "Well, your lifeline is very long. Get in the car. The girl didn't understand. " Why look at my lifeline? Driver: "The medicine truck is broken!"

Wait for me at home this afternoon! ""Holy shit, who are you? " "Express delivery." "Let the doorman go, you can't enter the community." "I can, I am more handsome! " "。 . . . . . "I will go. Everyone is here.

In the morning, my wife bagged kitchen garbage and toilet paper and took it out when I went out. When I passed by my neighbor's door, I happened to meet a neighbor smoking. He gave me one politely. Suddenly, his wife stepped forward quickly. "Look at you, everyone is a neighbor, just visiting, why are you so polite?" Say that finish, took the bag in my hand and went into the house.

I hate it when people call to sell during lunch break. Today, I received another call from Shanghai and asked, What's your name, sir? Hui: Don. Q: What means of transportation do you use when you travel, sir? White! There is a half-minute silence: that won't bother you to go to the west.

Everyone was doing their homework in physics class just now. The teacher said, "Ask if you don't understand." Xiao Gang said, "Where did Einstein perm his hair?" Xiao Ming said, "One afternoon when there was thunder and lightning, Einstein was flying a kite outdoors." Honestly: "Get out of here, both of you!"

My son asked me, "Dad, what's it like to have the best son in the world?"

I bowed my head and thought for a long time: "I don't know, I have to ask your grandfather!" "

"It's raining. I wanted to call Didi for a taxi, but I accidentally called Didi for a ride. I rode an electric car on my behalf. We looked at each other in the rain and asked each other, "Where's your car? "

I almost laughed when I met such a liar yesterday morning. The swindler called, and the mobile phone prompted the fraudulent call. I got through to the phone based on the idea that Doby was a liar.

Liar: Brother, what have you been up to recently? It's been so long, and you haven't contacted me. I'm Xiaocui, remember? Let's play League of Legends. They always like to take me.

Me: Oh, it's you, sister. What have you been up to recently? You haven't contacted me for a long time.

Liar: I've been busy at work recently, and I think of you when I'm not free.

Me: Your husband won't talk to me when he finds out, huh?

Liar: No, brother, I'm still single.

Me: I'm kidding. Why do you suddenly think of me? Do you really miss me?

Liar: This is not a new game developed by the company. It was fun. I want you to experience it. It only takes a few dollars to register, and we can form a chivalrous couple in it. Why don't we play together?

Me: Yes, but my wife got angry and found out about us. She insisted that our relationship was improper and would rob my mobile phone. Why don't you talk to her ...

Liar: DuDu DuDu. ...

Alas, liars are everywhere, and I believe you have received many such calls. Although the game is a few dollars experience, when you pay, a few dollars game may steal all your bank cards. Everyone must pay attention to this routine of pretending to be an acquaintance. Don't believe it.

[Wu face] [Wu face] [Wu face] The following joke is super funny! My colleagues in the office laughed when I said this! Be sure to listen with a sense of picture!

A boss bought a Mercedes-Benz 600, cool! A month later, the license plate came down and I was in a good mood. I didn't say anything. Take the highway! 200 per hour, fun!

Suddenly I saw a tractor parked on the side of the road, and an old man waved the car to stop! The buddy was in a good mood and stopped to ask, Grandpa, what's the matter? Old man: My car is broken. I want you to tow it away! This guy is in a good mood to agree. It's a miracle-Mercedes held his hand! The old man added: It's a pity that your car is so good! Tell you what, you drive slowly. If I can't stand walking the tractor, I'll turn right! If my old man can't stand it, I'll turn on the left turn signal! Okay？ Yes, no problem!

This guy drove 60 yards and got on this tractor! From 200 to 60, dizzy! ! Keep driving and find a BMW passing by at a speed of more than 200! This buddy is anxious: KAO! ! I'm afraid of you! As he spoke, he slammed on the accelerator and accelerated to more than 200, completely forgetting that there was an old man behind him! So the two cars accelerated at high speed!

What the police found on the road! Just reported to the headquarters: headquarters headquarters, found a Mercedes-Benz and a BMW racing! 280 yards an hour! ! ! Wait ... ah! ! There is also a tractor following closely, constantly turning on the left turn signal, he! Him! He still wants to overtake! ! ! ! !

Hello, I'm glad to answer this question for you.

As soon as I saw this question, I remembered my own experience, and now I will share it with you:

I went out to play that day and walked in the street. I saw a street performer (liar) performing there, which was watched by many people. At first, the swindler performed several wonderful programs, and everyone cheered again and again. I was there watching,

Then, the liar waved his fist and said, "I came out from you and wanted to make friends with you." The present bag, as long as you dare to put money in it with your mouth open here, I have the ability to take it away. "Then someone took the lead and said they didn't believe it, so they went to the bag to buy money (I guess it was entrusted), so people followed suit and put the money in this pocket. The liar added, "Everyone looks down on my brother. Why do you put all the change here? Come on, come on. Zoom in! "Then everyone hesitated, feeling that they didn't realize that he was a liar. After all, in broad daylight, so many people still put money in this pocket.

The pocket was almost full, and the liar shouted, "OK, I'm going to start withdrawing money, please get out of the way!" " "Everyone is a circle, and they are all curious. When they heard the liar shout, they expanded their circle a little. The swindler shook his head: "Please protect yourself. It's easy to bump into you when I'm trying. Someone was knocked down by my Qigong." The crowd all dispersed again, and they all retreated automatically. The liar roared again: "OK, I'm going to make achievements, but if someone stops me when I make achievements, it's the turtle grandson!" "What do you say?" Everyone: "Good!" Then, the swindler picked up his pocket and made a sudden effort to escape from the gap of the crowd at the speed of Liu Xiang, leaving a stunned crowd. Before a group of viewers could react, they were robbed of money in broad daylight! ! !

I laughed my head off! I hope this routine is really deep!

1, Xiao Li from the hospital came to the dean with a sad face. Xiao Li said, "Dean, I want to resign. I can't stand it! " The dean asked, "What's the matter, young man? You did a good job in urine test. Why did you resign? " Xiao Li said: "As you know, I just changed my job, and the professional habits I developed before made me unsuitable for urine test!" " "The dean asked," What have you done before? " Xiao Li said, "Taster!" Dean: "Ouch ~"

2. Seven years after graduation, I finally accepted a big project to build a 30-meter chimney, with a construction period of two months and a cost of 300,000 yuan, but I had to pay for it myself. It was finally finished at the end of last year. Today, people went to check and accept, and they were drenched with dog blood, and they still have no money to take it. Shit! The drawings are upside down, and people are going to dig wells!

A woman took a fancy to a dress, but it was a little expensive, so she begged her boyfriend to buy it for her. The boyfriend said, "You are already very beautiful!" The woman was very happy and asked, "Where is the beauty?" "You want to be beautiful!" Boyfriend sneers.

4, classic joke: others fall in love by looks, by routines, by spending money. And I am much simpler, only relying on each other's blindness!

1. A couple is visiting a fortune teller. The fortune teller said to her husband, "Sir, you have two children in your life." The wife sneered, "You have miscalculated. I have three children. " The fortune teller looked at his wife carefully and said, "Well, madam, yes, you have three children."

2, nothing to brainwash the eight-year-old nephew: "You will find a wife like Xiao Yan when you grow up, you know?" The nephew nodded obediently, and then reluctantly said, "But, aunt, I still like to look good."

3. Dazhu: "Boss, how much is a roast duck?" Boss: "60!" Dazhu remembered his wife's education and learned to bargain. So he said, "Fifty-fifty, thirty!" Boss: "Good." As he said this, the knife fell and was bagged. Dazhu happily took the roast duck home: "Wife, I bargained today. Cut in half, people want 60, I cut 30. " My wife took a look at the roast duck and slapped herself: "You even cut the roast duck and bought half of it. It's all duck shelves, you idiot!" " You don't have to eat. "

4. My husband was driving for the leader. Once the leader drank too much, my husband went to pick up the leader. The leader stood by the car and called him and said, "You don't have to come. I will take a taxi back. " Then I got into my partner's car and said, This driver looks familiar. When I arrived at work, I asked my husband how much it was, but he said it was useless. The leader said: this young man is good, much better than my driver.

One day in class, I was caught playing chess with my deskmate by the class teacher. After class, we were called to the office. The head teacher said, go ahead, I'll watch you play. My deskmate and I had to bite the bullet. When it was hot, the class teacher and the vice principal quarreled. The old class said to take this step, and the vice president said to take that step. Then, the class teacher said, let's go, there is nothing for you here. I'm going to compete with President Zhang today …

1, playing the fifth personality, suddenly a phone call came in, I was very angry, and then there was the following dialogue:

Liar: "hello, poof hahahahahahaha!" " Sorry, it's the first time to lie, and I'm not skilled. "

Me: "..."

Then, the goods called back. ......

Liar: "excuse me ... poof, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Sorry, I didn't hold back, let me prepare. "

Me: "Poof!" (suppress laughter)

After a while, he called back. ...

Me: "I won't laugh again this time, will I?"

Liar: "no, no, I'm ready." Hello, excuse me ... poof, uh, hahahahahaha! Well, I'm sorry, I still can't help it ... "

Me: "Brother, you are not easy. Listen to me and change jobs! " "

then ......

Then it is said that this product stopped being a liar and changed his job. Now he has a wife and children, and his life is good!

I remember it was my freshman year. At that time, the iPhone4 just came out and its popularity was well known. One day, I was wandering in the street with my classmates. Suddenly, a man wearing a cap approached us and quietly asked us if we wanted to buy an iPhone4. Just 4800. I took it and played it curiously. I asked silently, your iPhone4 is really a high-end version, and even the system is an exclusively customized Android system. Who knows that the man proudly said that he bought more than 6 thousand outside, how about 4.8 thousand? At that time, all the students laughed!