Please tell some funny jokes.

A lot. Find it yourself. I wonder if it's cold.

1, township head shorts made a report. When he was excited, he put one foot on the chair and his little brother was exposed. The meeting was in an uproar. He thought everyone was impatient and said loudly, this is just the beginning, and the road is still long!

2. An old prostitute who lived for a hundred years and a prostitute who only had one testicle died in the west because of excessive action. After the police checked, they said with emotion: This is a lesson from blood, and a hundred-year-old prostitute was destroyed by one egg! !

The couple played mahjong in partnership and discussed how to watch their wife act. When playing cards, I saw my wife suddenly split her thigh, and my husband was busy taking the bucket, so he shot someone else! Husband doesn't understand? The wife shouted angrily: I want a fucking chicken! !

4, the blind man fortune-telling, just came and stretched out a finger, the child was naughty, put the chicken in the past, the blind man shouted: noble, thin skin, no nails, good elasticity, must be a leader, the child suddenly realized that the leader is a crane! !

Late one night, there was a case in the Public Security Bureau and an emergency meeting was held. A policewoman is dog trainer. In her hurry, she forgot to wear underwear. In desperation, she lifted her skirt, let her trained dog smell it and ordered the dog to take her underwear back. After a while, a male policeman rushed over and said to the policewoman, "No, no, your dog bit off the director's egg!" "

One day, four priests Tang were traveling by plane, and only three parachutes crashed on the way.

So, the Tang Priest said, let's answer the question, and jump if we can't answer it.

Tang Priest: Wukong, how many suns are there in the sky?

Wukong: One.

Tang Priest: OK, here you are.

Tang Priest: Friar Sand, how many moons are there in the sky?

Friar Sand: One.

Tang Priest: OK, I'll give you one, too.

Bajie on the side is so happy, such a simple question.

Tang Priest: Bajie, how many stars are there in the sky?

....

Bajie jumped down.

Before long, the four of them flew to travel again. They crashed on the way and there were still only three parachutes.

They went on answering questions.

Tang Priest: Wukong, when was People's Republic of China (PRC) founded?

Wukong: 1949.

Tang Priest: OK. Here you are.

Tang Priest: Friar Sand, how many people died in the Liberation War?

Friar Sand: 2.5 million people.

Tang Priest: OK, I'll give you one, too.

Tang Priest: Bajie, what are the names of those 2.5 million people?

..... Bajie had to jump again.

The third time, the four of them traveled by plane again and had an accident on the way.

Then Pig said, Master, you don't have to ask. I jump by myself.

Then jump.

Tang Priest put his hands together: Amitabha, there are four parachutes this time!

In a mental hospital, the doctor saw a psychopath lying in his hospital bed singing, but he suddenly turned over while singing. Curious, the doctor went over and asked him, "Why did you turn over when you sang?" ? Fool, you must sing B after singing A! Psycho, answer

Grandpa: Grandpa saw that his grandson in the second grade of primary school had to take a bus to and from school, so he said to his grandson, "Grandpa can go to school by bike at your age!" " "

Grandson: Grandpa, you are lying. When you were my age, how could you go to school by bike? Is it enough? "

Grandpa: Grandpa thinks he is bragging too much, but he is too embarrassed to admit that he is bragging. He blushed and said, "If you don't believe me, you can ask your father. He taught me how to ride a bike!

Woman: 20 years old is like football, and 20 people are fighting for it!

30 years old is like basketball, 10 people are fighting for it!

40 years old, like table tennis, two people pushing around!

I still want to play golf at the age of 50, as far away as possible!

fool

Once upon a time, there was a fool whose family was poor. One day, when his father wanted to go out, he taught him, "Dad has something to do. If a guest comes to our house, if a guest comes to our door and sees that the big tree in front of it is missing, you can say that I cut it down and burned it as firewood. If the guests come into our valley, you can say that my parents earned it. If the guest asks why the fence in front of the door is missing, you can say that it was destroyed by panic! Fool dad just went out and a few guests came soon! The guest came in and asked, "Where's your father? The fool said, "I cut it down for firewood!" " The guests were surprised, but they didn't ask much. When I entered the gate, I saw a lot of cow dung in the yard and asked, "Why is there so much cow dung in your house?" The fool said, "My parents earned this hard! The guest asked again, "What about your mother?" "The soldiers panicked and the horses were destroyed," said the fool!

Our general manager is surnamed Zhou. I was driving as soon as he called. When I get nervous, I say,' Premier Zhou ...'

My surname is Zhu, the computer room of the management unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Sir Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" I was yelling at that guy.

8 Waiting in line in the canteen, I heard a boy next to me say, "Master, a bowl of bullet cauliflower soup!" " "(Porphyra and egg soup) Haha, I laughed and sprayed soup.

When my parents quarreled, my father said angrily, "I want to go out!" " "Playing basketball in high school,

After getting the ball, A selflessly passed it to B, and B scored easily. After a while, B got the ball and A shouted to pass it to him. B threw it himself. As a result, A shouted angrily: I was really blind just now. ...

Full laughter

Cooking at noon, my mother made me a pot of carrots: "Go, cut the carrots into diced meat!" " "

I remember once buying a fruit called Elizabeth. I opened my mouth and said, boss, how much is Shakespeare? The boss froze on the spot.

Once a girl in her dormitory went to buy sanitary napkins.

Say to the boss: a pack of sanitary napkins.

The boss actually asked: Do you want three delicacies or spicy food?

Then the classmate paused and said, Sam Hsien, I'm afraid I can't stand spicy food. . .

A very good male classmate of mine fell to the ground. I asked a question to express my concern: "Does your ass hurt?" As a result, I accidentally said,' Your ass fell to death'. Sweat ~ ~ The brother stood up and patted his ass, farted and said,' He's still breathing! I just fainted.

Once I went to the market to buy food and prepare for dinner. A Korean friend bought lettuce and asked for 2.4 yuan. He gave all the change to the vendor, but he was still short of a dime, so he said to the vendor-

"I gave you all my hair, so I have no hair."

The peddler was speechless, and it took a long time to answer-

I don't want your hair.

Once upon a time, a man fished and caught a squid.

Squid begged him: let me go, don't bake me to eat.

The man said, well, let me ask you a few questions.

Squid is very happy to say: you take the exam!

Then the man roasted the squid. ..

One day mung beans committed suicide, jumped down from the fifth floor, shed a lot of blood and became red beans; It has been squeezed dry and turned into soybeans; The wound was scarred and finally turned into black beans.

A pair of corn fell in love …

So they decided to get married …

On the wedding day ...

One corn can't find another corn …

This corn asks the popcorn next to it: Have you seen our corn?

Popcorn: Honey, I'm wearing a wedding dress.

Q: Two people fell into the trap. The dead call the dead, what is the name of the living?

A: Call for help!

1 1: Question: What are cloth and paper afraid of?

A: cloth is afraid of 10 thousand, paper is afraid of one thousand.

Reason: not (cloth) afraid of 10 thousand, just (paper) afraid of one thousand.

One day there was a mother-in-law in a car …

Sitting halfway, my mother-in-law doesn't know the way.

My mother-in-law spanked the driver with a stick and said, where is this?

Driver: This is my ass … ..

An egg went to a teahouse to drink tea and turned into a tea egg; An egg went swimming in Songhua River, and it became a preserved egg. An egg went to Shandong and became a Lu (halogen) egg; An egg was homeless and turned into a wild egg; An egg accidentally fell on the road and fell to the ground, causing a missile; An egg ran into someone's yard and became an atomic bomb; An egg ran to the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau and became a hydrogen bomb. An egg got sick and turned into a bad egg; An egg got married and became an asshole; An egg swam in the river and became a nuclear bomb. An egg ran into the flowers and became Hua Dan; An egg is riding a horse with a knife. It turns out that he is a Beijing opera blues. An egg is female and ugly, and it turns into a dinosaur egg; An egg is a man, and his wife commits adultery with other eggs outside, and as a result, he becomes an illegitimate child; An egg ...

14: The host asked: Can cats climb trees? The eagle replied first: Yes! Compere: Give an example! The eagle burst into tears: that year, I fell asleep, the cat climbed the tree … and then there was the owl …

The director and the section chief share the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief, you fart! The section chief said: I didn't let it go ... Soon the section chief was dismissed, and the director said at the meeting: You can't afford to fart. What's your use?

An elephant asked the camel, "Why do your breasts grow on your back?"

The camel said,' Stay away from death, I won't talk to anything with a penis on my face!

When the school began to call the roll, a class teacher was ingenious and said to the students, "I'll read the student number, so you can give your own names and get to know each other, okay?"

"No.0065438 +0!"

"Teacher, my name is Jiao and my name is Jiao Pei." The teacher was a little dizzy and asked, "Who gave this to you?"

"My dad." "What does your father do?"

"Open a pig farm!"

"No.002!"

A girl stood up and said, "Teacher, my name is Zhang and my name is Zhang Dekai."

"No.003!"

"Teacher, I am Zhang Dekai's twin brother. My name is Zhang. "Who gave you this name?"

"It's my dad. He sells pliers. " The teacher quickly took a sip of water.

"No.004!"

"Report teacher, my name is Qu (pronounced" ou "), and my name is Qu Ye (oh yeah). This is the name my mother gave me. She said that when she gave birth to me, a computer game exploded. " The teacher felt a little uncomfortable.

"No.005!"

"Report to the teacher, * * Niang!" "How do you call names? ! "

"no! Teacher, I mean my last name is Gan, and my name is foster mother. My father makes wine. " The teacher took a pill.

006! "

"Teacher, my surname is Gou, and I am told to ignore it."

"Your dad is a steamed stuffed bun shop? ! "

"Teacher, you are so smart!" The teacher has been a little shaken.

"No.007!"

"My name is Kuai (read fast, send the third sound. ) This is called goods. "

"Don't tell me your father runs a warehouse."

"Teacher, you are too old-fashioned. My father is a pimp. " Blood oozed from the teacher's mouth.

"No.008!"

"Teacher, go to hell!" "What? what did you say ? /Excuse me? ! "

"I mean, my name is Ni, and I'm going to the temple. My mother is a Buddhist. Is my name interesting? "

"Interesting, interesting." The teacher is about to cry.

"No.009!"

"Teacher, let's talk about it next time." "Why do you want to say it next time, you say it now!"

"no! Teacher, my surname is Xia, and my name is Xia Huishuo. My father is a storyteller. " The teacher felt dizzy.

"0 10! "

"Teacher, my last name is Gao."

"My name is Mei, and my name is Mei Conscience."

"My name is Wu, and my name is Kate."

"My surname is Mao, and my name is Mao Rongrong." …………

The teacher turned to the sky and growled, "God, I met a group of students!" " "The teacher spurted blood and fell to the ground.

Once I was driving, the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked, "Why don't you wear a condom when driving?"

In high school, everyone has a badge. . Before a physical examination, the class teacher ran to the classroom and shouted, put on your bra and come to Zara. . The audience was silent. . .

3 1. Have breakfast with classmates in the morning. One of them only eats steamed buns, and the other only eats skins. We were just saying that they were wasting their time when two students who ate stuffing came over and said, "You can eat my foreskin when you are finished." All the porridge drinkers present poured out.

32. Tell a true story. On the factory bus to work, MM asked me: My computer is dying. I said: Then go back and check the virus, and remember to upgrade the antivirus software. MM: oh. The next morning, I saw MM on the bus again. I asked casually: Have you checked? Is the batter out? then ... . . . . . . . . MM said loudly: I am so angry. I checked for a long time and said it was not poisonous. What do you suggest? It was very cold then. . . . Fresh in my memory.

33. A classmate of my dormitory's high school classmate called. He said who to look for, I said I wasn't there, and then he said thank you.

34. In the past, others came to menstruation's house and just entered the door. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!" " "

During the military training in the university, the instructor shouted: keep up with your side door ~ ~ ~ We want to laugh but dare not. It's pathetic. ....

The female classmate and her cousin invited me to dinner and asked me to eat more during the dinner. I don't know why I made the following mistake: "Thank you, I have no sexual desire recently, please eat more!" " "At that time, everyone was having a picnic. .

Our unit has a car to go to work in the morning, because the car is not big. Once, a male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her warmly and said, "So-and-so, sit on my ass!" " "I laughed to get off ~!

When I live on campus, I often sleep in bunk beds. The mobile phone needs to be recharged once. But there is only one socket in a bed, so reading with a lamp can't be recharged. As a result, A plugged the charger into B, and B wanted to listen to music at night. When he saw A's charger, he shouted, "Hey, I said, why do you always plug it into me?" Why don't you put it under you? "After a commotion, sweating like a pig ~ ~

When I was in college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You talk nonsense, I'm not stupid!

A buddy of mine went on a blind date, and when he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At noon, they walked into a beef noodle restaurant. The girl said loudly to the master: Hey, pull two bowls for Lamian Noodles's master and say: Do you want to eat? I eat and pull.

My roommate quickly boiled the water, but after the water boiled, the fellow was reading leisurely and motionless. He couldn't stand it anymore and said, "Is it time to pull it out?" It's too noisy. . "No response. 15 seconds later, he added, "It's very hot there, so it's easy to break down all the time. " 。" Nothing happened. In half a minute, the water was completely boiled and splashed. "That what, shoot. Spit out a lot of things louder and louder, and if you insert them again, you are afraid it will harm people. . Are you sure you won't pull it out? " . . . A thick book flies towards my head! ! ! ~

When I was in college, I went to Hengshan to play. I was halfway up the mountain. I was so tired that I just wanted to have a rest when I saw an Obasan buying souvenirs by the roadside. I went up and asked, "Wife ..."

Our head teacher teaches math in senior three ... when he reviews for us ~ every time he draws a picture and a ray ~ ~ he says loudly ~ ~ ` Look at this, students ~ ~ I took it.

During the self-study class, everyone was watching the review. GG said to MM, "I just finished reciting the words, help me write them down." MM doesn't want to be silent, GG asks her, you (touch) me, (touch) me! ! As a result, MM couldn't stand it, shouting, teacher, you see I don't want to (touch) him, but he insisted that I (touch) him ~ ~! ! !

One day I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call uncle, but he made a mistake and said, "Dad, come and sit down!" " "~ ~ cold! A bunch of classmates laughed to death.

In primary school, a very annoying boy asked me to borrow an eraser. If I don't borrow it, he will pester me and hit me. Then I shouted with all my strength, "I won't marry (borrow) you." At that time, the students immediately calmed down.

Once I ordered a song at ktv, a mm shouted: Give me a stick-cut "Double Jay" every week. ......

6.it's too loud

Zhuge Liang is a master of eight stunts, one of which is ventriloquism. It is said that Zhuge Liang discussed with Liu Bei in his account this day. Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart, but he was afraid of being heard by Liu Bei. I'm really sorry. He had a brainwave and said, "Master, how about I call you a woodpecker to adjust the atmosphere?" Liu Bei nodded. Zhuge Liang imitated the woodpecker and barked twice, then took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "What's the matter, master? Do I learn like it? " Liu Bei said, "Learn it again. You farted too loudly just now. I didn't see it. "

7.

There is an ugly girl who has never been married and hopes to be trafficked. One day, her dream finally came true and she was kidnapped. The kidnapper thought she was ugly and sent her back to her original place. The woman insisted on not getting off the bus. The kidnapper gnashed his teeth and said, go! No car!

8. In Spring Festival travel rush, the train was so crowded that a gentleman stuck his ass out of the window when he stopped. The inspector at the bottom of the car found it and shouted: the fat man with the cigar pulled his head back.

One night, a naked man called a taxi and the female driver stared at him intently. The naked man was furious and shouted: You have never seen a naked man! The female driver was also furious: I don't think you can fucking pay for it!

The nurse saw a patient drinking in the ward, so she went over and whispered to him, "sweetheart!" " "The patient smiled and said," baby. "

The teacher asked the physical education Committee to make sure that all the girls in the class were here, so he said to him, "Go and tidy up all the girls in the class." The Sports Commission was a little goat and asked, "Which one?" Teacher @ # ... ￥%

In junior high school math class, the teacher talked about equation transformation. He rolled his sleeves on the podium and shouted: Attention, students! I'm going to change! ……