Why does home hurt people? Because the house is poisonous!

There is a passage in the Bible that says, "Only the tongue can't be subdued. That is endless evil, full of murderous gas. "

It can be seen that words can bring great harm to people, and the influence of parents' verbal violence on children is likely to be lifelong.

In order to make parents aware of the harm of verbal violence to their children, Safekids, a global child safety organization, has produced a set of posters.

They use speech recognition technology to visualize the interactive device of language, and parents can see the brand left by hurtful words on their children.

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Did the pig eat your brain?

How dare you go home after such an exam?

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Use your hands and feet every day

Were you a troublemaker in your last life?

It's really bad to have you at home!

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Never seen such a dirty child.

You picked it up from the garbage?

The parents of these children may have different personalities and different skin colors, but they have a common name: "toxic" parents.

Here, I want to focus on what "toxic" parents are.

The concept of "toxic" parents was put forward by Susan Forward, a famous American psychologist, in The Origin of Family.

She believes that the emotional harm caused by "toxic" parents to children spreads to the whole body and mind of children like chemical toxins, and the pain suffered by children will continue to deepen as they grow up.

If there are "toxic" parents, there will be "poisoned" children.

Susan Forward said: "The symptoms of poisoned adult children are strikingly similar: impaired self-esteem and self-destructive behavior caused by it. Almost everyone feels more or less worthless, unlovable and useless. "

Wu Zhihong, a psychologist who wrote Why Family Hurts People, said in the preface of this book: "Your gloomy mood has always been difficult to be understood and accepted by others and yourself. It seems that there is nowhere to put it. In fact, it comes from your family, mainly from your relationship with your parents."

He was deeply influenced by the book when he was studying at Peking University, and even thought that publishing such a book was a matter of infinite merit, because many families were caught in the whirlpool of toxins and didn't know it.

In order to break the vicious circle of poisoned families, Professor Susan Forward wrote this book "The Family of Origin" by combining the real cases of years of contact with poisoned families and the treatment methods explored.

Of course, as a world-renowned psychologist, her works are far more than that, including Obsession: How to Love and Be Loved Normally, Attachment: Why We Love So Humbly, Emotional Blackmail and so on. Her works topped the list of books in The New York Times for 44 consecutive weeks, and sold more than 2 million copies in the United States.

In this book, Professor Susan Forward listed seven kinds of "toxic" parents, and I chose three common "toxic" parents to share with you, namely:

1. abusive parents

2. Controlling parents

3. incompetent parents

Verbal abusive parents account for a large proportion of "toxic" parents.

Remember that group of posters of Safekids, a global child safety organization?

Parents' swearing words are directly printed on children, which has a strong visual impact.

In real life, a derogatory term of parents, although not printed on the child, is printed on the child's heart.

Such abusive parents directly and openly belittle their children with vicious language.

Another kind of abuse of parents is less direct. They will attack their children through long-term ridicule, sarcasm, insulting nicknames or indirect humiliation.

This book gives an example about Phil.

Phil is a dentist. He is very tall. Although he looks confident, he always speaks like a mosquito. He was annoyed at his unprovoked shyness.

Led by Susan, Phil revealed his painful childhood experience.

The deepest memory of his childhood is his father's endless teasing. Phil's father often said, "This child is definitely not our son. Look at his face. I bet they took him by mistake in the hospital. Why not send him back and bring our children back? "

Six-year-old Phil is really embarrassed. One day he finally got up the courage to ask his father, "Dad, why do you always look down on me?"

He replied, "I don't think you are not pleasing to the eye. I'm just joking to make everyone happy. " Can't you see? "

Father's joke made Phil a joke in others' eyes.

We have witnessed the power of abuse, so what kind of words belong to abuse?

In short, if parents often attack their children's appearance, intelligence, ability or value as human beings at the language level, it is abuse.

Susan wrote forward in the book:

"There is no doubt that children will be hurt by family members such as friends, teachers, brothers and sisters, and parents are the most vulnerable. After all, in their young minds, parents are the center of the whole world.

So if your omniscient parents think you are a bad boy, then you must be. If mom often says "you are so stupid", then you are stupid. If father often says "you are useless", then you must be useless. Children will not look at these evaluations from other angles and question them. "

She also said: "If children often hear such negative comments when they are young and let them enter his subconscious mind, the brain will internalize them and change" you are "into" I am ",which often lays the groundwork for children's inferiority complex."

Poisoned children trained by abused parents are often prone to inferiority, lack of opinions, fear of cooperation with others, and poor sense of self-cognition.

Sometimes verbal abuse parents face the question of mature children: Why do you love me so much?

The answer they gave was: it's all for your own good.

However, time will tell whether they will live well when they grow up.

I saw a video on the internet to the effect that the mother repeatedly asked the child if she knew her mistake, and the child finally cried and admitted it.

It is understandable that parents ask their children to correct their mistakes, but she wants her daughter not only to admit her mistakes convincingly, but also to correct them immediately.

Under the aggressive pressure of the mother, the child finally cried out in grief: "I have admitted my mistake." Why did you arrest me? I can't figure it out! "

At one time, this incident made a hot search list in Zhihu, and one of my friends wrote: "The little girl in the video' admitted her mistake', and she was not wrong. Can't you afford to hide if you can't mess with her? What she recognizes is authority and strength. "

Many parents subconsciously think that their children are not sensible, so they should do whatever they want, which is also in line with China's filial piety.

Wu Zhihong, a famous writer, wrote in the preface to his self-recommendation book for "Born into a Family":

"Filial piety is that children unconditionally obey the rules of their parents. This is something that must be done. "

Home is the transmission channel of love and warmth, and it is also the transmission channel of hate and injury. But filial piety makes us only see the former and deny the existence of the latter. "

Professor Susan Forward believes that children should have the right to make mistakes and correct them-making mistakes is not the end of the world.

After all, this is their way of trying new things and building self-confidence.

However, toxic parents impose unattainable goals, unrealistic expectations and changeable rules on their children.

If parents hold the idea that children are their own accessories, then they will not respect their personal wishes.

This "toxic" parent has a strong desire for control. They euphemistically want their children to have a tutor, but in fact they are sacrificing their feelings to satisfy their deep desire to control their selfish desires.

Similarly, in the face of children's mistakes and tantrums, let's see how a foreign father guides children to release their emotions and solve problems.

As can be seen from the picture, the father not only allowed the child to lose his temper, but even gave her advice.

This confirms the parenting philosophy of Dr. Deborah McNamara, a child psychologist: let children lose their temper, not try to stop them from losing their temper. Losing your temper is harmless in itself, but just stop losing your temper.

The father has been squatting down, raising his head and talking to the child with loving eyes and gentle tone, so that the child fully feels the love and respect from his father.

Children under the supervision of such parents have a clear understanding of themselves and will be more independent and confident than their peers.

Professor Susan Forward believes that all parents should stop controlling their children when they can control their own lives. In a normal family, this transfer of control often begins with the child's adolescence.

However, most controlling parents don't want to see their children grow up and gradually leave them to live independently.

Afraid that they will no longer be needed by their children, many controlling parents will try their best to maintain their children's sense of powerlessness, hoping that it will never disappear.

They are good at making children afraid to try or face the difficulties of life alone through criticism or constant denial.

Of course, we don't deny that parents love their children, but this kind of "love" is wrapped in "selfishness".

Controlling parents often say, "It's all for your own good", "I'm doing it for you" and "Because I love you so much"

For the above statement, the author points out its true meaning: "I do this because I am too afraid of losing you, so I would rather let you live in pain."

Incompetent "toxic" parents, not even parents, failed to fulfill their responsibilities and obligations.

Many news reports have reported that young parents left their sick babies in front of hospitals or other people's homes and then walked away as if the children were not their own.

Family of origin lists five basic obligations that a good parent must perform:

1. They must meet the material needs of children.

They must protect their children from physical harm.

They must meet children's needs for love, care and deeper emotions.

They must protect their children from emotional harm.

They must give their children correct guidance in morality and ethics.

What makes people feel helpless is that most incompetent toxic parents didn't even do the first item on the list.

The parents of Liz Murray, the author of the inspirational bestseller The Storm on Harvard Road, are incompetent and poisonous.

In this book, Liz Murray reveals his family background in an extremely harsh environment:

She grew up in a slum.

Most of the relief money given by the government to her family was used by her parents for drug abuse. So you can still fill your stomach in the first half of each month, and you will make a living on your own in the second half.

When she was very young, she and her sister had to try their best to earn money to support their families and exchange food.

To this end, they work part-time, pick up garbage and even steal things.

Liz Murray's head was covered with lice. Because he didn't have a chance to take a bath, he was laughed at at at school.

In such a family, the roles of "children" and "parents" were once exchanged, and incompetent parents shirked their responsibilities on the grounds of "doing their best".

Once children lose their parents' positive role models, it is difficult for their emotions to develop healthily.

There is also an incompetent parent who ignores the existence of children in addition to ensuring their necessary material needs.

Susan Forward sadly pointed out that parents who focus on their own physical and emotional maintenance send a clear message to their children: "Your feelings don't matter, only myself is the most important."

Most of these children are unaccompanied, lack of love and care, and begin to feel neglected-as if they don't exist at all.

Adler, a master of individual psychology, once warned that children who have been neglected, spoiled and accused since childhood are likely to form a wrong outlook on life, so they are more likely to have problems than children educated in healthy families.

Here, if you see the shadow of your parents, you may have to accept the fact that your parents may be "toxic" and they are unable to love you.

However, it must be noted that "toxic" parents often give birth to "toxic" children.

In other words, your "toxic" parents have also been "poisoned" by the previous generation of parents, and they are also victims.

Susan made a vivid metaphor forward:

A "toxic" family is like a series of car accidents on the highway.

This "poison" (that is, wrong feelings, rules, contacts and ideas) was buried in the brains of ancestors long ago, and then passed down from generation to generation like a "family heirloom".

The book "Origin and Death" makes us realize "Why does home hurt people?" Truth: Because there is a kind of "toxic" thought at home, it affects the way parents treat their children, and then brings lasting harm to their children.

I hope I can warn myself through the appearance of toxic parents mentioned in the book. Let children grow up in an environment that respects individuality, personal responsibility and independent families, and encourage children to develop their own satisfaction and self-esteem.

Starting today, let's step on the brakes, try to get rid of the "poison", break the old family model and jointly create a healthy family atmosphere.

How to detoxify? You can start by keeping silent.

Because, "only the tongue can't be subdued, it is endless evil, full of poisonous gas that kills people."