Network classic funny quotations

1, I used to be thin, and I will be thin in the future, so I will gain weight for a while now, otherwise my life will be incomplete.

2. I like your head very much. Why did you bring the last two words?

The deadly summer is coming. If anyone can install air conditioning in our classroom, we will marry the head teacher.

Never propose to me. I said yes as soon as I proposed.

5. Three wishes in life: one is to eat, the other is to sleep, and the third is to laugh.

6. I am in the Jianghu, but there are no legends about me in the Jianghu.

7. Nothing that can be solved with money is a problem, but I am poor.

8. The chicken's resistance is to make its meat unpalatable.

9. My greatest skill is to use cheap things and expensive effects. Such as cameras, microphones, and yourself.

10, as you say, hang the southeast branch.

1 1. I used to believe that I could turn my life into a joke, but now I just hope I don't turn my life into a case.

12. You can't believe any news until it is officially denied.

13, if your wife and your lover fell into the water at the same time, would you like to find a plump one or a petite one? Still looking for people who can't swim.

14, with a heavy population, plans to ban cola and drink urgent syrup instead.

15, don't you know that you are thinking about what I am doing except dreaming, I am very busy?

16, don't use "honey trap" on me, or I will play along.

17. The fortune teller said that I would meet a woman who was important to my life when I was eighty. Her name is Meng Po.

18, don't ask me what I'm missing, I need an object now.

19, in a bad mood today. I just want to say four sentences, including the first two, that's all.

20. I saw a couple making out on the road. So I ran to the boy and said, Brother, today's sister is not as beautiful as yesterday. ...

2 1 A man and a woman are making out. The man tried hard, but the woman didn't respond. The man was angry and asked, can't you respond a little? Can't even call the bed! The woman immediately shouted: Sleep! ! Bed! !

22. Dialogue between a fortune teller and a lady: Your life is not good. Why? Because you have a bad omen. Can I take off my bra? No, as soon as you take off the bad omen, there will be two big waves in your life.

23. Your Majesty, male and female servants have one thing to ask for, so please put them in limbo. Men and women can't stand these birds. It's too hot.

Don't be lazy with me, I'm too lazy to compare with you.

25. Qianshan has been in love. Can you give me some advice? The world has its own true feelings, and giving a perfect score is also love!

26. If marriage is the grave of love, then blind date is to show feng shui to the grave, confession is to dig the grave, marriage is double suicide, empathy is to move the grave, and the third party is to rob the grave!

27. I always keep my head down in class. The teacher asked me why. I answered calmly and sank back. I suddenly remembered home!

28. You must scold me, because you don't know me well enough, because everyone who knows me wants to hit me.

29. I get to school early every day. On the surface, I love studying, but a few people know that we are here to copy our homework.

30. Which boys play football and basketball are handsome? They all fart. As long as you are handsome, you are handsome enough to play glass balls, and ugly golfers are like shoveling shit. Any gentle girl is attractive, and girls who don't wear makeup are pure and fart. As long as you are beautiful, you can sell tofu as a beautiful woman, and playing the violin as ugly as a cramp.

3 1, I fucking see through the world!

32. Eating food is kind, because I just want to eat every day and have no time to calculate others.

33. He told me to break up. I just wanted to reply, but he said it was sent to the wrong person.

34. Except Tomb-Sweeping Day, people in China can regard all festivals as Valentine's Day!

35. I sometimes wonder if I am too fat to enter your heart.

Every time I watch you eat pork, I feel very sad. It's the same root What's the hurry?

37. I angered my wife again. It is no use apologizing. She turned around the house angrily: Hum! I want to buy something expensive! As soon as I heard it, it turned around! Spend money to eliminate disasters! Immediately say: good! I will go shopping with you. Then we went to the commodity market and bought a washboard. ...

I hate Qin Shihuang. He burned the book, but he didn't finish it.

39, to buy water, the boss said two pieces, I said the bottle said the suggested retail price 1.5 yuan? The boss said: I don't accept his suggestion!

40. oh, my god If you can't make me thin! Just make my friend fat!

4 1, girls made coke chicken wings for boys. The boy tasted it and said it was delicious. The girl also took a bite and said, liar, not cooked at all. The boy said softly, fool, everything you do is delicious to me. A few days later, boys and girls died of bird flu. This story tells us that Hugh Ai En died quickly!

42. If Sri Lanka wants to be a big player, it must first turn off the mobile phone, stop the traffic, steal the account, and unplug the internet, so as to bid farewell to scum and become a schoolmaster.

43. Bathing in summer is like washing vegetables for mosquitoes.

44. Going out this summer is going into the oven, walking is mala Tang, sitting is teppanyaki, or don't rain, it will turn into boiled fish when it rains.

45, suddenly found that Huo Qubing and Xin Qiji are lovers' names.

In fact, I used to be quite tall, but later I often took a shower and shrunk.

47. These days, no puppy love, no meanness, no cheating, no rebellion, no copying homework, no playing mobile phone, no one believes that you are a student.

48. The teacher confiscated my game machine, and when I returned it to me at the end of the term, I found that the games were all cleared.

49. I think we should be friendly to strangers, such as financial insurance, English training, study abroad services, sex hotels, matchmaking agencies, sales of infertility products and questionnaires. I always answer the phone with my ex-boyfriend's name and address patiently and kindly.

50, fleshy, don't rush your legs and chest!

5 1, time is like cleavage, squeeze it, there will always be!

I want to be a man and marry a good woman like me in my next life.

53. Parents' meeting, like mistress, is destructive to family harmony!

54. Once I asked a courier what he was, and everything he said was everything, so you knew everything was everything. I sent you a courier for half a year, and you still ask me what it is? People are rhyme rhyme rhyme rhyme rhyme rhyme rhyme rhyme rhyme rhyme rhyme rhyme rhyme rhyme!

I want to condense my life into a joke.

If no one in the world wants you in the future, you must remember that there is still me, and I don't want you.

57. Go out for a trip with your best friend and rest under the tree when you are tired. Suddenly a few drops of bird droppings fell on my face, and before I knew it, my best friend wiped it evenly for me, saying that your sunscreen had not been wiped evenly.

58. Uncle policeman, I lost my bag. Don't worry, it's my treat, and then you can pay me back!

59. Don't deteriorate in debauchery, but change in silence.

60. Loneliness is when someone is talking, no one is listening, and when someone is listening, you have nothing to say!

6 1. What is more troublesome than meeting a bitch is ... meeting two bitches at the same time.

We can avoid everyone, but we can't avoid a fly. What makes us unhappy in life is often trivial things.

There is a kind of person who only does two things: you succeed, he envies you, you fail, and he laughs at you.

64, not afraid of God-like buddies, but afraid of dog-like friends.

65. God gave us worldly desires, but we turned them into pornography and violence.

66, heroes don't ask the way out, hooligans don't look at age!

67. It takes thousands of years to change from a monkey to a human, and only one bottle of wine is needed to change from a human to a monkey.

68. If you fish, people will eat you.

69. What is it? Man is alive, and he is dead. Some people are alive, and he should have died.

70. What is loneliness? That is, the phone bill of 50 yuan has been used for three months, and it has not been used up ... three months!

7 1, I've always heard people say how cool it is to open a room. Finally, one day I couldn't help getting a room ... it's really cool to sleep in such a big bed alone!

It is said that all parts of the country are mourning for a guy named Hot this summer-it's too hot!

73. During the lecture, the zipper of the female teacher's pants opened, and a girl stood up to remind: Teacher, your door was not closed! The teacher waved his hand: whatever, the director of education will come to inspect it later.

74. In the early morning after the wedding, the bride walked out of the bridal chamber in pain, holding the wall in one hand and covering her nakedness in the other, cursing: liar! What a liar! Before I got married, I said I had thirty years' savings. I thought it was money!

75. Cherish the dark-looking person around you, because one day a coal mine truck passes by, and you may never see him again.

76. In the class of the head teacher, the deskmate sleeps on the table. The head teacher was furious and winked at me. I understood at once, and then took off my coat and put it on my deskmate. What a considerate class teacher!

Q: Have you ever cried for a woman? A: I cried. Q: Who? A: My mother was beaten until she cried herself hoarse.

78. The electric fan is man's best friend. I asked the electric fan, am I ugly? The fan shook its head silently all night.

79, with my ancient face value, I can support the whole brothel! You mean you look like a pillar?

80. A neighbor, a 4-year-old Zheng Tai Jr. She goes to kindergarten and loses stationery at school all day. His father was angry that day: you lost it for a day and didn't bring it back … As a result, the next day when I got home, I dumped a bunch of pencils and notebooks on the sofa …

8 1, my best friend has been coming to my house for dinner these days, and she eats very little every time, so I asked: Why not eat more? Girlfriend: Every time I lose weight and can't control my mouth, I want to go to your house for dinner. After all, no one cooks like you. You don't want to eat the second bite after eating the first bite. Me: Get out! ...

82. Life is boring, but fortunately I am cute.

83. Some people say that it is easy to have an accident when you walk and play with your mobile phone. Lying in the trough scared me into running and playing.

84. Sometimes you don't know what despair is without hard work.

85.why are you so short? Because I've been in a mini!

86. I don't believe it when they say that chatting stops at hehe. I sent a message to the male god yesterday saying: I like you very much. He said: Hehe. I replied: Hehe, a fucking wall. So I scolded him all night.

87. I kissed your face, all with cream, bb cream and sunscreen. I feel like I ate a lot of money in one bite.

88. Do you mind if my breasts are small? No, I like the feeling of childhood.

89. I met a junior high school female classmate in the restaurant. She didn't remember me, so I reminded her: Do you remember the boy who was punished for kissing you in the Woods in junior high school? Her little face turned red at once, and she said with some excitement: You were the one at that time … I smiled shamefully: Yes, I was the one who complained at that time!

90. Just after being woken up, I heard a man in the community shouting: kill, kill, kill, back up, back up. This is the rhythm of great events! Look at what's going on, I quickly got up and ran to the window ... I went, and a man directed his wife to reverse the car!

9 1, my object is very good, elephants are also very good to me, and I am very good to horses, rabbits and dogs.

92. When men and women flirt, the most striking Chinese character is born: bump.

93. I knew he was a bad guy, but I forgot to say it.

94. Men conquer women by conquering the world! Women conquer the world by conquering men!

95. The unfairness of this world lies in: God said: I want light! So there was this day. The beauty said: I want a diamond ring! So she bought a diamond ring. The rich man said: I want a woman! So he had a woman. I said: I want to take a shower! I can't believe the water was cut off.

No one has stepped on my head since I turned into shit.

97. Boss, have a bowl, with tears streaming down your face.

98. Rich people are afraid that others will know that they have money, while poor people are afraid that others will know that they have no money.

99. Advertising is to tell others that his money can still be spent like this.

100, let the storm come more violently. Anyway, I sell umbrellas!