Humorous speech

As a speaker, I get only two complaints from the audience: one is that I speak too loudly and they can't sleep; The second is that I talk too long, and they can't stay awake all the time.

Innovative sentence: Either you sleep or you don't sleep. As long as you don't snore, I'll go on talking.

As a speaker, his speech is always compared with Lincoln's Goldberg speech. When he finished his speech, there were also sadness, tears and grief-especially those designed.

Humor note: The speaker spoke so badly that the organizer burst into tears.

At the end of the speech, the host thanked you for taking time out of your busy schedule-you were poised, nodded gracefully and smiled, knowing that the only thing on your schedule was to have some coffee after breakfast.

Humor note: Some retired veteran cadres have nothing to do after retirement, and they are invited to participate in some activities. He still pretends to be very busy, as if he had pushed off a lot of things before rushing there.

I used to be nervous when I gave a speech, but then I saw a message saying that it would help if you imagined all the audience were naked. At this moment, I stand here and imagine that the audience are all naked, which really works. I'm not nervous anymore, but my eyes are a little tired.

Humor note: imagining the audience as naked means that I am not afraid of you, so I am not nervous.

Innovative sentence: Most people are a little nervous when standing on the podium. I'm in the minority and I'm nervous. I'm not conceited myself-I can hardly tell you how much I admire myself.

Humorous sentence: He became very proud because he was not conceited.

Innovative sentence: I am not conceited at all. I hope others can see me, too.

I will give a speech in simple English first, and then translate it for the lawyer.

Humor note: lawyers always like to use complicated language, and they can't understand simple words.

Innovative sentence: My speech has three versions, primary school version, middle school version and college student version. Are you listening to the first-year edition or the second-year edition?

If you have heard this story, please don't interrupt me, I will know it.

Humor note: Even if you know two stories, you can say the same thing before telling them.

Innovative sentence: I tell a joke. If you have, and you want to pretend you haven't, I will take care of you in the same way. Speaking is like watering the lawn. If a quarter of the water seeps down, you will be satisfied.

Humor note: Some people snore, others talk, which is normal, and a quarter of the audience will listen well. At the beginning of the speech, we had some similarities. You didn't know what I was going to say-neither did I.

Humorous sentences: the opening remarks of an impromptu speech.

Innovative sentence: I don't know if you will like my speech or what I will say.

Before we begin, I want to tell you the following. This speech has been edited into a TV program. I'll talk less for 20 minutes now, so that we can go home in time to watch Channel 2.

Humor note: Stay at the scene and watch it on TV.

Maybe some of you know that I'm here tonight for two reasons. The first reason is that your planning committee has been trying to find a smart, interesting and experienced speaker, and they have found it. The second reason is that the man was ill, so he called me.

Humor note: at first, it seems that I am awesome, but it is actually a temporary substitute.

I thought my speech was funny, but why didn't anyone laugh?

Some people have stage phobia, but I don't; The stage won't be like me, but the audience scared me to death!

Humor note: Stage fright is stage phobia, not stage scaring me.

Each of us wishes to go back in time. If I can put the clock back 45 minutes, I will be the happiest person in this room. I left my speech on the kitchen table.

Humor note: I was still practicing hard before going on stage, and I left my speech at home. I hope the audience will forgive my mistake.

I don't want to brag, but the last time I spoke, all the audience stood up. They never sat down again until they walked to their car.

Humor note: the audience stood up and left after listening to his speech, and he was still bragging.

Innovative sentence: I speak at a gentle speed and the audience sleeps soundly.

Part II: Funny speech three minutes before class.

1. One day, the father told his son a story. Dad: "Spring and Autumn" son: "Make it clear whether it is spring or autumn?" Dad: "There are princes" Son: "Is it a pig or a monkey?" Dad: ""

2. A man who couldn't catch up with his girlfriend went to a fortune teller. The fortune teller said that you were doomed to catch up with women in your life! The man asked excitedly, what about the rest of his life? The fortune teller decided to say, use the rest of your life, you will get used to it.

Sun: "Moon, we meet again. I want to tell you a lot, but I don't know where to start. " Moon: "Fuck, don't say anything!" " "Stars such as the Earth:" Hush, hush, we only watch porn once every 500 years ~" (5 minutes later) Moon: "Damn, how did you get so fast? Sun: "No, there are more and more people watching on the earth now." I'm nervous ... ""

We need a longer humorous story or hilarious joke because the school will hold a party. We must create an original sketch based on this material, which must be funny. Even if you can't laugh, you should make people feel funny, laugh in your heart, refuse adult jokes and childish jokes, and ask knowledgeable friends for help. Thank you, little girl!

5. Kiss me when no one is around.

We have a female math teacher from Sichuan, and her Mandarin is OK, but "pro" and "question" are always confused.

Once she finished a question for us and asked everyone, "Do you understand? If you don't understand, you can get up and kiss me. " The students were all surprised when they heard it. Everybody look at me, I look at you. Nobody got up. She added, "Why, I'm embarrassed to get up and kiss, aren't I?" The students were even more disgusted, and some almost laughed. Seeing that no one asked, the teacher said, "I am too old to kiss." Well, I won't come to my office after class and' kiss' me when no one is around. " Ha ha! The students finally couldn't help laughing.

6. An athlete shoots and misses five shots in a row. The coach was anxious: "Too stupid, look at me!" "I also voted five times, but I still missed." Do you see it? That's how you voted! "The coach said.

7. The head of the cannibal family had an upset stomach, so he went to see a doctor. The doctor asked him, "What do you usually eat?" The chief said, "Human flesh." The doctor said, "That won't do! You have to eat vegetarian food now! " After the patriarch bought the bill, he went back ... Only when he got home did he find that he forgot to ask the doctor what vegetarian food was ... Then he asked his own clan Xiaoming, "Hey, Xiaoming, what is vegetarian food?" Xiao Ming thought for a moment and replied, "A vegetable!" "