Looking for the latest humorous jokes

History teacher: Those students really can't teach. I ask questions in class.

Do you know who Wu Zetian is? The first classmate replied that she was not familiar with her, the second classmate replied that she was one of his netizens, the third classmate said that he had her QQ number and asked her after class ... Another classmate even took out his mobile phone and said that he would ask her out immediately.

Geography teacher: Look at their papers yourself. The top of five famous mountains in China is (Zhao Benshan), the most famous river is (Pan Changjiang), the coal in China is (black), and the iron in China is (hard). How can I attend class?

Chinese teacher: during class, a classmate was reading a magazine, so I confiscated his magazine and hit him on the head ... but when I turned to continue the class, his deskmate actually burst out laughing, which made the class impossible. I asked him why he was laughing. Do you know what he answered me? The boy took out a book from the drawer and said to me, "Teacher, it's a good thing you didn't find me reading, or you would kill me."

Math teacher: A classmate who has never failed in a unit exam can actually use his high school knowledge in his homework ... I asked him if he did this homework himself, and that classmate actually replied that I didn't know. Tell me what this is called. I kept asking him to tell me honestly who did it for him. Well, he had reason to answer, "Teacher, I really don't know who did this homework. To be honest, I went to bed early last night ... "

Physics teacher: Do you know how many classes I have taught, one clockwise and the other counterclockwise? Five classes! Yes, that's what I told them. I told them to look at their watches if they didn't understand. Wherever a clockwise hand goes, it is clockwise, and vice versa. However, if the whole class counts, it's either a mobile phone or an electronic watch ... I will teach them these two words for a semester unless I resign.

Biology teacher: I really don't want to go, but ... you know, I have a heart attack and can't stand being excited, but can I not be excited? Yesterday's unit exam, according to the requirements of the syllabus, I asked my classmates to look at the bird legs in the teaching pictures and write down the names and living habits of birds. But as soon as I said the content of the exam, one of my classmates stood up and walked out, shouting, "There are also such questions. I won't take the exam. " Do you think such students need education? I stopped him and asked him his name. He actually pulled his trouser leg and exposed his leg and said to me, "Come, look at my leg and write my name ..."

Art teacher: You know, I have just been assigned to this class. Yesterday in class, I heard several students shouting "beauty" as soon as I entered the door. Do you find it irritating? I am a teacher. How can they be so rude? ..... Yes, it was wrong for me to resign because they called me "beauty", but when I wanted someone to call me "beauty", those classmates shouted to me: "What are you looking at? I'm not calling you!" 1.

Once upon a time there was a man named Shuang.

He is dead.

On the day of the funeral.

His family cried and said

Cool ... cool. '

Passers-by are puzzled. Asked, "What do you like?"

The family cried:' Great ... awesome! !

2.

A cat found a mouse.

So he jumped on the mouse like a hungry tiger to eat it.

But then the cat was eaten by this mouse … ..

why

because

= => Tigers and mice are stupid and can't tell them apart.

3.

Mental patients in hospitals usually have a worship complex for doctors or nurses.

One day, a female patient came to see a male doctor. ...

Female patient: Dr. Lan, do you love me?

Dr. Lan pondered for a long time (in order not to hurt the patient and avoid the deterioration of his condition)

Dr. Lan: We have a doctor-patient relationship. Because you are ill, I must take good care of you. ...

In order not to hurt the patient, Dr. Lan explained for a long time and finally finished. )

Female patient: Dr. Lan, you mean you don't love me anymore?

Dr. Lan (brooding): Hmm … hmm … hmm …

Female patient: Nothing … I love Dr. Chen …

4.

There is an old lady in a mental hospital.

Wear black clothes and hold a black umbrella every day.

Squatting in front of a mental hospital.

The doctor thought: to cure her, we must start from understanding her.

So the doctor was dressed in black, took a black umbrella and squatted there with her.

The two spent a month in silence.

The old lady finally spoke to the doctor:

Excuse me-

Are you a mushroom, too

5.

One day, turtle's father, turtle's mother and turtle's son decided to go for an outing. They brought a Shandong pie and two cans of sea water.

Chicken, and then set off for Yangmingshan. After ten years of hard work, it's finally here! They sat on the floor and unloaded their equipment accurately.

Prepare dinner. Turns out I didn't bring a can opener!

Son of a turtle: "... I'll go back and get it." 」

Father Tortoise: "Good son! Come on! Mom and dad are waiting for you to come back for dinner. Go back quickly! "

Tortoise son: "Be sure to wait for me! Don't break your word! "

So turtle son set foot on the road home. ...

Time flies, time flies, 20 years have passed, but the turtle son has not appeared yet.

Mother turtle: "wife ... do you want to have dinner first?" I'm so hungry, I said ... "

Tortoise Dad: "No! We promised our son! Ok ... wait for him for five years, or let him go! "

It's been five years, and the turtle son still hasn't seen it. Tortoise parents don't care! Parents decided to start.

Take out the pie and get ready to eat. ...

Suddenly, turtle son poked his head out from behind the tree. ...

Turtle son: "Shit! I knew you would steal! Trick me into getting a can opener? I waited for 25 years, and finally.

I have been waiting for you! I hate being cheated!

6.

Xiao Xin: Dad, why are there three gold medals in my name?

Dad: You are short of gold in your life, so you are named Xin, just like some people are short of water, so you are named Miao, and some people are short of wood, so you are named Sen.

Xiao Xin: Dad, what do you think is missing from Sister Guo Jingjing's life?

7.

A boyfriend and girlfriend were sitting on a park bench in love, and the woman suddenly wanted to fart.

Say to the man: I am a cereal bird, do you listen to it?

Men are willing to listen

So, under the cover of "goo goo" birdsong, the woman happily farted.

W: Does it sound like a cuckoo?

Man: What a fart! I didn't catch it!

8.

The tortoise is hurt. Let snails buy medicine. Two hours have passed and the snail hasn't come back yet. The tortoise was in a hurry to scold: if I don't fucking come back, I'll die! At this time, the snail's voice came from outside the door: you fucking said I wouldn't go!

9.

One day, an elephant was taking a bath. Suddenly an ant came up to the elephant and said. You stand up. Stand up at the beginning. Ants! You sit down. The elephant asks the ant what you want to do. Stand for a while, sit for a while. Ants answer! I lost my underwear. Let me see if you stole it.

10.

Elephants accidentally stepped on an ant nest, and the ants that built their nests climbed onto the elephants one by one. The elephant shook its body and the ants fell down. At this time, there was another elephant around its neck, and the fallen ant shouted "strangle it".

1 1.

One day in computer class, a row of classmates' computers crashed. So a classmate stood up and said, "Teacher, the computer crashed, and our platoon was all dead." At this time, many students said, "We are dead, too." Then the teacher asked, "Who else is not dead?" Only one classmate stood up and said, "I'm not dead yet!" " "The teacher said strangely," the whole class is dead. Why don't you die? "

12. Before eating peanuts, monkeys should put peanuts in their buttocks before taking them out. The administrator explained: Someone once fed it peaches, but the peach core could not be pulled out. The monkey is afraid. You must measure it before eating now.

13. Xiaoming: "Dad, am I a stupid child?"

Dad: "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy ..."

14.

Tell a story: "Once upon a time, there was a eunuch .............."

Someone can't help asking, "What's next?"

Continue to tell the story: "Below? No ... "

15.

A man who just learned a foreign language was walking in the street that day. He accidentally stepped on a foreigner's foot. The man quickly said, "I'm sorry." The foreigner also said politely, "I'm sorry, too." Hearing this, the man quickly said, "I'm sorry, three." The foreigner was stupid and asked, "What are you sorry for?" The man said helplessly, "I'm sorry."

16.

A letter from the Tang Priest to the Monkey King.

Dear Wukong:

I write this letter slowly, because I know you can't read fast!

It rained twice this week, the first time for 4 days, and the second time for 3 days!

Did you have a good time in Huaguoshan? I had a terrible time in heaven. Because there is no gravity, my stool, urine, tears and nose can't fall off. Do you feel bitter?

Our beef noodles here are delicious. Let's go to the restaurant in West Street for hot pot when you come another day!

Your Guanyin sister is going to have a baby, so I don't know whether you want to be an uncle or an aunt for the time being, because I don't know whether it will be a boy or a girl!

Did you receive the clothes I sent you? I was afraid of being overweight when I was ready to post it, so I cut the button and put it in my pocket!

It's very late to write here. Come and play with me sometime. Remember not to drink more water, or it will be very uncomfortable if you can't pee here!

P.S. wants to send you money, but the envelope is stuck!

17.

A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been very abnormal recently. Pull whatever you eat, eat cucumber and pull watermelon, how to return to normal? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit.

18.

Someone went to Shanghai on business and lost a dollar in the street. The policeman said, "We will definitely help you find it." The man went back in January, and the street where he lost his money was dug up to build roads. He couldn't help but sigh, "Everything in Shanghai is real."

19.

Classic joke: One day, an ant was sunbathing when he suddenly saw an elephant coming slowly. It got up and straightened its front legs. The rabbit next to you is busy asking what you are doing. The ant said, "Shh ~ ~ ~ ~ Keep your voice down and watch me kick him."

20. The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself in two to play badminton. Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat. Mother earthworm cried and said, "why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! " Father earthworm said weakly ... I suddenly want to play football.

2 1. The tortoise and the hare raced ... The hare quickly ran to the front ... The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly ... and said to him: Come up, I'll carry you ... Then ... the snail climbed up ... Soon ... The tortoise saw an ant again ... and said to him: Come up, too .. So the ant came up. When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him. Do you know what the snail said? Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast. ..

22.

One day, a family caught fire, and both parents escaped, leaving only one son inside. Mother nervously shouted outside the house: "Son ... what are you doing ... you won't come out after the fire ..." The son replied: "I'm wearing socks ..." The mother said: "What socks are you wearing after the fire ..." Five minutes later, the son hasn't come out ... The mother shouted nervously again: "Son! Come out ~ There's a fire, and you're still inside ... "The son said," I'm taking off my socks. ........

23.

A man went fishing by the river, wearing a leaf first ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, so he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ no choice but to change earthworms ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ ~ He was angry ~ He took out 100rmb and fell into the water and cursed, "*-# What do you want to eat! Buy it yourself! ! !

24.

& gt My deskmate has a cold and a runny nose, but he forgot to bring his handkerchief, so he has been sniffing. The Chinese teacher suddenly turned around and shouted, "That's enough! Stop it! Too noisy! " The whole class was silent. The teacher is > He said, "Who steals noodles in class and makes so much noise?" "

25.

The patient said to the dentist, "You really make money. It only took you three seconds to earn $3. "

The doctor replied, "If you like, I can pull it out in slow motion."

26.

"Narcissism" means that you must be reborn as a woman in your next life and then marry a man like me; "Despair" means that the restaurant ordered two dishes and ate the first one: "Is there anything worse in the world? ! "Eat the second" shit! There really is! " "Silence" means that the judge asks: Why do you want to print counterfeit money? The criminal said: I can't print real money.

27.

The Weaver Girl came down to take a bath and got to know the Cowherd, and interpreted a love story that made the gods cry. This tells us that there is no chance to take a bath at home, so we must take a bath outside. .....

28.

Xiao Ming returned to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher, "There are many ants in the toilet." The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiaoming. "What did ants say?" Xiao Ming looked blank ... and then said, "The ant didn't say anything ..."

29.

A person always farts at work, and colleagues can't help but say, "Can you be quiet?" Then I saw him sitting there trembling. Colleagues asked him strangely what he was doing, and he replied, "I didn't make any noise, but now it's tuned to vibration!" " ! ! "

30.

Mother Mosquito: "What's the matter with you, son?" The little mosquito cried and said, "Today, the little fly bullied me and called me a bloodthirsty vampire." The mother mosquito said, "Ignore it. Their home is not a good thing either. They all grew up eating shit.

3 1.

I spent 80,000 yuan to buy a Western Zhou pottery jar. Yesterday, it went to the appraisal column, and the expert said seriously, "Which Western Zhou did this belong to?" This is from last week!

32.

Son: "Mom, I failed the math exam today." Mother: "Why, what's the problem?" Son: "The teacher asked me 2*3=? I said =6. " Mother: "That's right, and then what?" Son: "The teacher asked me 3*2=?" Mother: "Isn't this the same?" Son: "That's what I said. ..

33.

A prisoner was shot. Bullets are produced in a county with poor quality. The first shot was not fired, and then the second shot was fired ... the third shot ... at this time, the prisoner cried, "You strangle me, it's so scary!"

34.

The father told his son a story: "Uncle told Xiaoyang to cut wood, but Xiaoyang cut down his uncle's favorite peach tree. Uncle was angry but didn't scold him. Do you know why? " The son replied, "It may be because Xiaoyang still has an axe in his hand, so he dare not scold him."

35.

Dung beetles and mosquitoes meet for the first time. Dung beetles: "What do you do?" Mosquito: "Nurse, give me an injection." Dung beetles grabbed the mosquito's hand and wept bitterly: "Fate, I'm also a doctor, Chinese medicine, and I pinch pills.

36.

A man always can't find a girlfriend, but he goes to tell his fortune. The fortune teller said: you are doomed to have no women in the first half of your life; Not that person's eyes lit up: then I should have it all my life? The fortune teller said, well, you will get used to living alone for the rest of your life.

37.

When someone was eating, he couldn't see a piece of beef in the beef Lamian Noodles, so he pointed to the bowl and asked the boss: Why is there no beef in Lamian Noodles? The boss said flatly, don't take it too seriously. You still expect a wife who eats old woman's cake?

38.

Three mice tasted American, Japanese and China wines respectively, and the mouse who drank American wine fell down after three steps. The mouse who drank Japanese wine fell down after two steps; The mouse drinking China Erguotou, with a kitchen knife in his hand, shouted, "Where's the fucking cat?"

39.

While eating in a restaurant, a customer who had been waiting for a long time called the waiter and asked, "Why isn't the braised fish I ordered ready yet?" "Just a moment, sir." "What? What are you waiting for? " The customer was very angry and said, "Is your fish fresh?"

40.

One day, the cow gave the donkey a difficult problem and asked which of the two bugs under the word "stupid" was male and which was female. The donkey racked his brains, but he still couldn't answer. Cow scolds: What a donkey, male left and female right!

4 1.

A man was about to jump off a building when his wife, who had just returned, shouted, "Honey, take it easy, we still have a long way to go!" " Hearing this, the man jumped down without hesitation. The negotiator standing by said, "Madam, you really shouldn't threaten him like this.

42.

Director and * * * section chief take the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief, "You farted." The section chief said, "I didn't fart." Soon, the section chief was dismissed. The director said at the meeting: "You can't afford to be a big fart. What's your use? "

43.

A lazy cat went crazy after a mouse and finally got married. After marriage, the cat took care of the mouse in every way, and the mouse soon became fat. The mouse was very moved: "Dear, why are you so kind to me?" The cat smiled and said, "You'll know when you get fat.

44.

Every time I look in the mirror, I always encourage myself mentally: "I am very creative." Ugliness is not my intention. God, don't lose your temper. I will live bravely and use my endless creativity to set off the beauty of this world! " Actually, I am really, really creative. ...

45.

Friends went climbing together. When they reached the top of the mountain, a girl shouted to the beautiful mountains and rivers: Motherland! My mother! A boy who secretly loves her quickly shouted: motherland! My mother-in-law

46.

I bought two puppies before, one named you "face" and the other named myself "ass"! It's not two days since Face died in a car accident. Every time I see your ass, I think of your face! If your face were still there, it would be as big as your ass now!

47.

After driving Wukong away, Tang Sanrou met the monster again and had to spell to call Wukong back for help. Soon, a voice came from the air: "Sorry, the subscriber you dialed is not in service area, please redial later.".

48.

The mouse went to the toilet. When he saw the bear, he was too scared to speak. The bear looked at the mouse and said, "Can't you shed your hair?" The mouse shivered and said nothing. The bear asked again, "Can't you depilate?" The mouse trembled and said, "No …" The bear grabbed the mouse and wiped his ass and left! 【 Use the mouse as toilet paper. ..

49.

I just chatted with my friends, and some of them talked about you, you know? I quarreled with them and almost got into a fight, because some of them said you looked like a monkey and some said you looked like an orangutan. It was really too much! I didn't treat you like a pig at all!

50.

Panda's birthday, I say to you: I made two wishes, one is to cure my dark circles, and the other is to have a color photo.

5 1.

Bees chase butterflies, but butterflies marry snails. The bee doesn't understand: where is he better than me? Butterfly replied: at least people have their own houses, unlike you who live in dormitories.

52.

Hey ..! There are always a few days in a month!

53.

The production team bought a donkey and died in a few days. It happened that the female donkey was in heat. The staff of the production team called the production team leader who was away on business. "Captain, the female donkey is in heat and the male donkey is dead. Shall I buy a donkey first or wait for you to come back? "

54.

Little dung beetles: Mom, why do we eat shit? Dung beetles's mother: This child, how can you say such disgusting things while eating?

55.

A meteor flashed in the night sky, and I immediately made a wish that you would become more beautiful. Who knows that just after I made my wish, the meteor came back with a whoosh and said to me, "Brother, are you deliberately embarrassing me?" ! !

56.

Give me a canteen steamed bread as a fulcrum, and I can tilt the earth! & lt understand, the steamed bread in this canteen is too hard ... >

57.

See "the food in the canteen can only be fed to pigs, but it is returned to us?" I thought of a sentence. A classmate went to the canteen to cook and asked the chef after dinner, "Master, why is there rice in your sand?" ! ! "

58.

A short story that girls must read: bats are reborn in God's place. God says he can give you three conditions. The bat said, "I was dark in my last life, so I want a snow-white body and wings in my next life." I'm used to sucking blood. Let me suck blood. " God said, ok, I promise. Do you know what will happen to him in his next life? "sanitary napkins" Ha ha.

59.

The restaurant fly said to the toilet fly: you chase the smell all day, and I eat spicy food all day. Come here! Toilet flies: no common goal, no common goal. What's the use of eating well? How many beautiful women have you met?

60.

When I was a sophomore, all the girls in the dormitory liked Emil Wakin Chau's songs, and one tape was borrowed by everyone. One day, the girl in the upper bunk asked: Where is my Emil Wakin Chau? The girl in the lower bunk replied, It's in my bed! There was silence for two seconds, and then everyone fell on the bed.

6 1.

A boy gave a nickname to a friend in his class, called Fat Pig. The girl cried to the teacher, who promised to criticize the boy. The next day, the teacher said in class, "A boy is too rude to give others nicknames casually, but he can't call others names he likes."

62.

A police dog saw an ordinary dog coming on the road and suddenly ran over to ask it: I am a police dog. What are you? The ordinary dog looked at it dismissively and said, idiot, you see clearly, I am plain clothes!

63.

If there are no flowers, spring will be lonely, if there is no passion, the four seasons will be mediocre, if there is no me, you will lose someone who cares about you the most! Without you, the rabbit will ask, "Who should I race?"

64.

I have a request: invite me to dinner. I hope you can satisfy me, or I'll write your mobile phone number on the wall and add two words in front of it: apply for a certificate. Also invited me to have a good meal, or wrote: get married, no conditions.

65.

Man: I really love you. Please be my girlfriend! Woman: But I have no feelings for you at all! ! M: Well, you tell me what's wrong with me and I'll change it! ! Woman: Then tell me what is good about me first, and I'll change it! ! !

66.

A lady always calls her grandson a diploma. Someone asked her, "Why is it called a grandson diploma?" The woman replied, "I sent my daughter to college, and she brought this little guy back after graduation."