Fortune-telling two goods _ fortune-telling two goods

1. 1 Sisters are more important 1.40 kg. Every night, they dance square dance with their aunts in all kinds of slow motion ... Yesterday they dragged me to watch it and then asked me what I thought. I said: I think you dance like 1 cygnet ... she said: really! I seem to have lost weight ... I went on to say: it's Little Swan drum washing machine. ...

2. Since the broadcast of Hua Qian Gu, bugs are no longer called bugs, but sweet babies. A fortune teller is not a fortune teller, but a bad king. Mental illness is not mental illness, but obsession. Falling in love is not called falling in love, but life and death. Since then, there has been a legitimate reason to lose your temper, not because you have a bad temper, but because you can't control the power of the wild in your body!

Today, on the bus, I heard a woman on the phone with a loud voice, as if she was being pursued by a net friend she had never met before, and the woman refused in various ways. Finally, I had to shout into the phone: Brother, please leave me alone. You have never seen me. I have a long front chicken breast, a back Luo Guo and two calves. Heart disease, whooping cough, polio and tuberculosis! What did you say you wanted from me? Then he hung up! The car boiled instantly!

I always quarrel with my wife when the family is particularly chaotic. Especially bad quarrel, she will get angry, and then she will pack up and prepare to go back to her parents' house. At this time, I knelt down and left her, and my home became much cleaner.

I dyed my hair dark chestnut. My husband didn't find it the first day, but he still didn't find it the next day. On the fifth day, my husband finally found it and stared at my hair for a long time. I proudly asked: How? Husband said: Is it time to wash your hair?

6. Student: Teacher, what do you mean by adding words to your mouth? Teacher: What to read? The student looked blank: teacher, I don't know, that's why I asked you. Teacher: What's its pronunciation? Student: I really don't know what it says. Teacher, just hold your horses: you want to know what it reads, but you don't know what it reads and what it studies. student ...

7. When I was a child, I saw an advertisement for washing my mother's feet. I had a whim and felt grateful, and then I lay on the bed and kowtowed to my mother who was washing clothes outside the bedroom. I can't forget my mother's frightened face. The clothes she just washed fell to the ground, causing her to wash again, and she scolded me while washing.

8. There is a fat man in my class, weighing more than 200 kilograms, who lives in a dormitory with me. One day, watching a movie, the white knife went in and the red knife came out; I said it was too fake. If you stab the fat man with a knife, the white knife will definitely come out with a yellow knife. The fat man asked: How did the yellow knife come out? At this time, the idiot roommate shouted: poke oil ...

9. One day, I was playing with my mobile phone in class at the same table. Suddenly, the phone rang. My deskmate quickly threw it into my hand. I stood up calmly and said to the class looking at me, "Teacher, I played with my mobile phone. Please smash it! "

10. Teacher: Which do you choose, wife or lover? Student: Lover. Teacher: Why? Student: Couples are more beautiful. Teacher: It's really superficial. No pursuit at all. Student: Which one will the teacher choose? Teacher: Choose both.

1 1. It has been many years since graduation. Today is Teachers' Day. Teacher, I miss you very much. You have worked hard. I have returned the knowledge you taught me to you. When do you think I can get my tuition back? Let me buy an iphone6s!

12. Me: "Mom, money is a little tight recently." Mom: "Then hang up quickly and save some phone bills!" " Me: "But we are relatives! No money! " Mom: "then save some electricity, charging doesn't cost money!" " "Me:" I live in a dormitory and don't pay the electricity bill, Mom! ""Mom: "Oh, save your energy, you will get hungry if you talk too much." I ...

13. "Son, why don't you go on a date after the holiday?" "No woman likes me." "Tut tut tut. It seems that you are not doing well enough. If a woman likes you, what will you do for her? " "I am willing to do everything for her." "Mom likes you. Would you like to wash the dishes for your mother? "

14. Teacher: However, when China keeps our friendship, what's the next sentence? Xiaoming: Lao Wang lives next door! Teacher: Castle Peak is still there. What's the next sentence? Xiaoming: The cuckold is always new! Teacher: The wind is rustling and the water is cold. What's the next sentence? Xiaoming: Mom doesn't cook! Teacher: You have the advantage to get the moon first. What's the next sentence? Xiaoming: Whose wardrobe is not hidden?

15. A buddy is from a car rental company. One day at noon, he went for a walk in the company. I asked him, "Have you ever met a wonderful guest who rents a car to others every day?" The goods looked at the yard and said, "The car that the man rented early in the morning hasn't been poured out yet."

16. Xiaoming: Boss, how much is this suit? Boss: 200. Xiao Ming: It's too expensive, 50 yuan. Boss: 180. Xiaoming: 50. Boss: OK! I gave you a set. Xiaoming: I don't want it. I was just practicing bargaining. Boss: Hey! I want to practice chopping people.

17. Yesterday, I added a star fan base, kept kissing the boss's ass, and finally gave me an administrator. Just now, when everyone was sleeping, I kicked out more than 400 people in the group. What a relief!

18. A friend asked me for money. Friend: Lend me some money for urgent need. Me: I'll go home and discuss with my wife. Friend: Don't you have a wife? Me: So it's not negotiable.

19. Dad works in a glass factory and must wear gloves. One night shift, he took a taxi home. When the car passed a small forest in the suburbs, a cool breeze blew. My father felt a little cold, so he took out his gloves and put them on. The driver saw it in the rearview mirror and asked in horror, "Brother, what are you doing?" "Oh, I'm used to wearing gloves before work every time, so I won't cut myself or leave any marks." The driver turned blue. ...

20. An idiot friend recently bought a new fish tank, and then his friend showed off the fish he bought. Suddenly nothing happened these days. I called him and asked him. He told me, "It was cold, and I was afraid that the fish would freeze to death, so I bought a hot one and wanted to heat the water. As a result, I fell asleep and woke up to find that the fish was cooked. "

2 1.a: Boyfriends have everything, including a car, a house and a deposit. B: With a sigh, boyfriends have everything, including bicycles, rental houses and loans. C: With a sigh, boyfriends really have everything, even their wives.

22. In Chinese class, I am reviewing ancient Chinese for my classmates. It is said that the word "bitch" has different meanings in ancient times and modern times. People with humble status in ancient times are mostly used to call names today, usually women ... So I casually asked, what do you call men names? There was a moment of silence in the classroom, only to hear the enchanting voice from the back row: you damn fool ~ ~

23. Drink wine with friends at night and take a taxi home by yourself. As soon as I got on the taxi, the driver asked me, "Young man, have you been drinking?" I was a little surprised: "Hey! Master, your nose is smart enough to smell the wine on my body? " The driver said, "Get off my roof first!"

24. When I went out, I met a beggar who asked me for money and said that I hadn't eaten for several days. I just bought steamed bread with small change, so I gave him two because I felt sorry for him. He even said I sent beggars ... isn't he a beggar?

25. In class, the teacher asked a question. When no one raised his hand to answer, the teacher said, "If no one raised his hand, I will order someone. Xiao Ming, you answer! " Xiao Ming spat with his mouth curled. "Teacher, you are amazing. Where can't you order?"