Time flies, those soft and painful essays

I have always felt that I am heartless, but I am not arrogant. My low-key contains arrogance and lofty. So in these years, I thought I was invulnerable.

In fact, that winter, my heartache has been with me, soft, wrapped in my heart, like a cocoon of a black silkworm, layer by layer, getting tighter and tighter, and occasionally the sweetness after heartache gradually fades away, turning into a melancholy sting and lingering. Many times, my pain is denounced as petty bourgeoisie's moan. I can only smile a little, and a slightly wrinkled brow will inevitably reveal some emotions. It turns out that invulnerability is just a mask that I think I am.

It seemed particularly cold in winter in Shanghai that year. When I got off the plane from the south, I only wore a thin sweater and a white trench coat. The early winter in Shanghai is sunny in previous years, and it rains in Mao Mao every day. When I came out of Hongqiao airport, I was carrying my luggage and faced the busy street blankly. This is the city where I will live.

My memory of Shanghai is just like Shenzhen or Guangzhou, where I went to high-end clubs and spent a lot of money. My impression of Shanghai is limited to shopping centers in hengshan road or somewhere on Huaihai Road. I used to walk up and down these busy streets, in order to find a suitable cheongsam, or go to an emotional bar. At first, cars and friends wandered in the street. In my impression, Shanghai should be a petty bourgeoisie garden house. Occasionally, there are fallen leaves of the French phoenix tree, streets in early winter or late autumn, and some women or gentlemen dressed in exquisite clothes walk on the floor tiles with small squares, occasionally stop at imported cars and stretch out a slender leg, and then the women who come out will wear an elegant trench coat. ...

Very shallow, after all, it's just a representation, which is far from real life. See more Shanghainese haggle over every ounce, and see more people have to hunch over for the five buckets of rice in their lives. When I decided to live in Shanghai's urban garden, I had such psychological preparation. However, when I ran all over the street alone in the winter rain, watching the white air floating out, my cold hand caressed my equally cold face, and I stubbornly refused his help on the phone, my heart still hurt a little.

The initial heartache came from his "cruelty".

I was held in my hand since I was a child, and I met him who was mature and steady. Everything is so perfect, but I'm not mature enough. I am at a loss when things happen, and I am at a loss in the face of social experience. I am not stupid enough to realize the distance between two people.

This trip to Shanghai is due to the agreement between us. One can never grow up in a greenhouse. A man soaring in the sky does not need a woman who can only live in a glass greenhouse. Shanghai became our first stop. In fact, when I left Guangzhou, I was not really prepared. Maybe it's anger, maybe it's the wildness in my bones that makes me not admit defeat. When I really came to a city without friends, I still felt sad. When I called him for comfort, he just suppressed all his worries on the other end of the phone and told me, "You can only rely on yourself and learn from the strength of others. If you want to protect, then come back. " Then there is the blind tone of hanging up the phone. I still remember standing in the street at that moment, my eyes were soaked by rain and my heart ached a little.

People are really forced out. The next step is to follow up step by step. The house and work have gradually stabilized, and all the worries are about him who has not seen for several months. Really entering the society made me gradually understand everything about him. I am distressed by his hard work and his rush to his career, but the constant telephone greetings make me feel distressed and a little sweet.

It is really cold in winter in Shanghai.

I learn how to be strong and how to survive in Shanghai.

I envy those free and easy women, envy them the feelings they can afford to let go, and envy them the calmness in their careers and feelings.

I told him once that I could do it. Who can't do what I want? Later, Shanghai in winter taught me that I was really pushing myself.

That Christmas, Shanghai was very lively. Two days before Christmas Eve, when we were in the bar together, we left our scarf at 193 1. The reason for leaving is not only an expensive scarf, but also a couple scarf, which is unique. My friend brought two identical ones from Inner Mongolia. He has another one around his neck. On the lonely Christmas Eve, I took a bus to 193 1 and took my scarf home. I don't like loneliness, but I'm too weak to see the couple. Sitting in the car, my eyes are blurred, the bustling night scene of Shanghai shines through the window, and the lights of the plane flicker in the night sky. I could have spent this beautiful and warm Christmas Eve with him, but only for a date, a long date.

I have lost touch with him for a long time. I'm crazy. Wait for him. I stayed up all night, day and night. I can't stand the pain of losing him. Everyone who saw me advised me to relax or give up. Everyone tells me that there will be no real love this year. I am addicted to that kind of heartache and can't extricate myself, not because I can't control myself, but because I am more worried about him than about myself. I'm wearing his pajamas just to feel his residual breath, and I have no intention of working at all. My mind is full of his figure.

Holding a pillow, I lost control of the empty room and cried, "Tony, if anything happens to you, I can't live!" " "

Entering and leaving the office building, still smiling. All fragility is only hidden in the moment when a person is alone. Just a little haggard, just a little tired. Tell yourself that you must live well, because you can't let him come back and see that I am helpless, then all our agreements and efforts will be in vain.

My heart gradually calmed down after a few days. Everyone's suggestions didn't work for me, and the obstinacy in nature began to appear.

A friend said, if two people love each other more and lose more, why be serious? A friend said that when a woman is in love, being too infatuated always suffers. The friend said, maybe he doesn't care about you, maybe he just takes part in accidental amusement; My friend said that if you fall in love with such a man, you should be prepared to bear all the accidents. ...

The winter in Shanghai made me see myself clearly. If she is, she will never be a strong woman with a heart of stone. In my heart, feelings are always the most important. Maybe that's all I can do. Yes, in the world of two people, love is like drinking water, knowing yourself and yourself. Love and not love, truth and lies, only we can understand best. Calm down, because I have a lot to think about. The future of this world is unknown, and all the promises are just a play. I am lucky to meet him in this life. We just said that we would cherish each other. Far away, I will wait for him to come back

Therefore, I no longer reluctantly suppress myself, I indulge my feelings and my love for him.

This is a new year. I heard that the Jade Buddha Temple in Shanghai is very good. I waited all night that day, dressed neatly in the early morning, ran to the Jade Buddha Temple, lit a handful of incense, and never knelt down so devoutly. In the whisper, the smell of sandalwood, the solemnity and sincerity of the temple are spiritual. I only tell my endless lovesickness in front of the Buddha.

In the solemn Brahma singing of Baoxiang, I heard the voice of being entangled in my heart. I sink deeply without regrets, and my heartache is so soft.

Time flies like running water.

Now I think the happiest life should be at school. Careless all day, don't worry about exams, and never worry about the dense test papers. After a long time, naturally, reading a week before the exam is worth studying hard for a semester; Don't worry about my livelihood, someone will naturally give me that generous allowance at the beginning of the month; Don't worry about feelings. There are a lot of crazy bees and butterflies around you, just a little annoying. At this time, a pink little face was so happy that seven aunts and eight aunts came to knead dough and tut tut sighed. It is as smooth as a shelled egg. Sometimes I laugh at people. Now I'm so thick-skinned. Maybe I squeezed it out for them. ) just wandering around the campus, carrying a picture folder with several graffiti works in it; Sometimes it's a guitar, but unfortunately I still can't play a song "Love the Romans". I learned a little piano, because the teacher stared at me and ran to the dormitory every day to urge me, "So-and-so, go back to the piano ..."

I also have the experience of traveling with boys, but only in large groups. You are still young, and you are innocent if you don't understand the affair. At an early age, when I saw those smelly boys with no fluff on their lips, I always looked on coldly and stayed away from them. Sometimes I laugh with them when I get up, and the witty remarks make them laugh. Then there was jealousness and jealousy, who quarreled with whom, who fought with whom, and even some people quarreled with each other while skating on the physical education class, breaking their front teeth. I suddenly feel that such a day is very boring. Live the life of a lone ranger again.

It's strange that all the teachers with good relationships in school are men. My favorite subjects are only Chinese and biology, but the teachers of these two courses are rare handsome boys in the college. I'm in my thirties, pretending to be a Confucian scholar and favoring me. They even have the treatment of redoing the test paper if they fail in the final exam-privately, of course. The girl next to you is extremely sensitive and angry when she sees you so popular. I didn't pay attention to it either, so I went on my own way. Who taught you that your grades in these subjects are not as good as mine? Why should people wronged themselves?

Later, when I graduated, I didn't have to worry about my work. My family has their own arrangements. It's a pity that I got tired of that life after a few years. A good man with consciousness has no personality at all. He traveled all over the world for love, left his original birthplace and planned to temper himself.

Only when you really enter the society can you find the hardships of life. Never travel, eat, live and travel, all of which are high-end consumption. But life is another matter. Try to squeeze the bus or take the subway in a strange city. The subway in Shanghai is cleaner than the bus. I'd rather walk a few more steps to take the subway. I really can't stand the dirty feeling in the bus. Go to work in the morning, and take a taxi if you can't catch it. After a month, I found that the fare was higher than the daily salary of the probation period, so I could only shake my head with a wry smile.

The place where I live is quiet, but the decoration upstairs these days is probably to turn the house into a palace clause, and pry the floor if the wall is not enough. The feeling of living downstairs is like a tank running over, which makes me feel mentally exhausted all day. I started wandering around the house, grabbed the phone and wanted to call the police. I suddenly found that this is China, and no institution will accept such complaints. At this time, I envied my friend's comfort in living in Finland for a few days, called him sadly, and changed the tone of laughing at his barren land: "I will accompany you in Finland, but can I go to your house to be a nanny?" Clean the yard ... "

The handsome boy took it seriously and agreed with joy. I smiled: "Not afraid that your American fiancee will eat you?" I'm afraid she will eat me. "The fortune teller said my life with peach blossom, not without reason. However, the peach blossom girl met the peach blossom man. Hey, hey, one thing is one thing, and she is so dead set that even she is surprised.

Hang up the phone and stare blankly at the dresser. The face is not as smooth as it was a few years ago, but fortunately, women in Jiangnan are generally so, and the water and soil are suitable, so they can't look at people without makeup. If you follow the wrinkles around your eyes, you can kill mosquitoes. Dark circles that always stay up late hang on your face like panda eyes. The spots of years are scattered on the face. Sobbing his face, he dared not look again. My wife always feels guilty when she comes home, for fear that if I am not careful, she will think of me as yesterday's flower and become my next wife.

With the holiday, I stayed at home for a whole week and stocked some food in the refrigerator, just like a hamster. Listening to the jazz of the old Bailemen in Shanghai, the tune "Night in Shanghai" is played over and over again, which is not strange, but it is never tired of listening. In Mimi's voice, I thought of putting on cheongsam, pouring red wine and inviting people to dance. Looking at the underground, it is just the shadow of two people * * *, only self-effacing sighed.

It's almost the end of the year. Shanghai always says it's going to snow, but it never does. A phone call came from my hometown, and my mother called my nickname on the phone: "Baby, are you busy in Shanghai?"

I was ashamed. For a long time, I was full of thoughts about when my pillow lover would return, forgetting that my parents and family were still thinking about the end of the year. Respond quickly: "Not busy."

Mother whispered on the other end of the phone, if you are not busy, go home early instead of living alone in an empty room. My nose hurts after I hung up the phone. Maybe it's time to go home. Home can go back, but the feeling before is never to come back.

Another year has passed, and I think of the sentence in the composition book of primary school: Time flies, and a year has passed in a flash, just like a blink of an eye ... Hehe, isn't it?