Humorous stories with linguistic features

A jewelry store was stolen. When the police arrived at the scene, they found a drunk lying there. In order to find out the whereabouts of the jewels, the police found a bucket of cold water, pushed the drunk's head into the water and asked, "Did you see those jewels?" The drunk opened his misty eyes and said, "Sorry, I really can't find it. You'd better change a diver! " "A gambler took 1000 yuan from home to gamble. A few hours later, he came back. His wife quickly asked, "Does that big bill have a child?" "Yes, yes," the gambler took out two 10 yuan bills from his pocket and said sadly, "It's a pity that their mother died. "Wise move. A citizen of Moscow lost a parrot-a parrot that can swear. Who knows what will be said outside? The shopkeeper was very nervous. In order to avoid unnecessary trouble, he specially published an advertisement in a prestigious newspaper with a large circulation: "I lost a talking parrot, and I hereby solemnly declare that I disagree with its political views." "A family gave birth to a son, a genius baby. After the child is born, he can talk and recognize relatives. Sadly, the relatives died as soon as the child called them. The child called grandpa, who was drinking water and choked to death at once. The child called grandma, who was stepping into the threshold and fell dead. The father of the child saw that the child was so old, took a look at the child and was preparing to run away from home. Unexpectedly, the child's eyes swept away and opened his mouth. Father trembled with fear. Sure enough, the child called "Dad". Father's heart suddenly sank to the bottom of the sea: "I can't die like this, I will die in bed!" "".Father climbed onto the bed on his legs, waiting for death. Waiting and waiting, my father waited for hours, but he never died. Father's loyalty jumped up: "the baby can't beat dad!" " ".Father is spreading everywhere. At this time, the neighbor's sister-in-law cried and informed her father: "My poor husband was fine just now, and suddenly he cried to death, inexplicably!" "Someone went to the lab, and the nurse pointed to a sign in front and said that non-undergraduate personnel were not allowed to enter. The visitor was furious and scolded: I just had a urine test and even asked my mother for a bachelor's degree. The wife asked her husband: Do you like my tenderness and loveliness or my intelligence and beauty? Husband: I like your sense of humor! Once upon a time, there was a master Jinshi who was overbearing and arrogant. One spring festival, in order to show off, he posted such a couplet on the door: father Jinshi, son Jinshi, father and son Jinshi; Mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, mother-in-law It happened that a poor scholar in the town passed by the door of Jinshi's house and saw this couplet. First he showed contempt, and then he gave me a smug smile. In the evening, when he saw no one around, he quietly added a few strokes to the couplet. Early the next morning, there were a lot of spectators in front of Jinshi's door. They talked and laughed, and everyone praised them: "What a change! Well changed! " The noise outside the door alarmed the master Jinshi, who quickly opened the door and immediately fainted on the steps in front of the door. It turns out that the couplet in front of the Jinshi gate has been changed by the scholar to this: the father is buried, the son is buried, and both father and son are buried; Mother-in-law loses her husband, daughter-in-law loses her husband, and both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law lose their husbands. 1. Short joke 1 There was a man who looked like an onion and cried when he walked. 2. Two people fell into a trap. The dead are called the dead. What's the name of the living? A: Call for help. 3. What is the fear of cloth and paper? 4. There is a fat man. He jumped from a tall building and it turned out to be a success. Fat five. Teacher: How to reduce white pollution? Classmate: Make the lunch box blue for 6 days, and a male deer runs more and more. Turns out to be a high-speed stag. Miss 7: Business is bad now. Boss: Why did you miss it? Bird flu. Which is the most difficult to answer, tiger skin, elephant skin or lion skin? Because of the eraser (poor). Q: What animal is three heads and one foot? A: 3 heads 1 3 monsters with feet 10 marshmallows: I'm so tired. I feel soft all over. One day, the little yellow duck was hit by a car while crossing the road and shouted' gung'. From then on it became a cucumber. Xiao Ming: Kang, the shark ate mung beans. Kang: I don't know what it has become. Xiaoming: Silly. Green bean paste (mung bean shark) 13 The elephant asked the camel: How did your * * * grow on your back? Camel: Stay away from death. I don't talk to things that grow on your face. Just like looking at a snake, I said, that's much better than your face growing on your penis. 5438+04 How to make your drinking capacity bigger? Say the mercy curse. 2. Be brief. If I win the lottery, I will pack a living person and eat fresh food every day. One day, a mother-in-law was sitting in the middle of the car, and she didn't know the way. My mother-in-law hit the driver with a stick and said, * * * Which driver is this? * * 3 Once upon a time, a man was fishing and caught a squid, begging him: Let me go, don't roast me to eat. The man said, well, let me ask you a few questions. Squid said happily: Take the exam. Then this man roasted the squid. What is that man doing? He's shaking. He's cold. A: Oh, shivering doesn't mean cold. A sausage was locked in the refrigerator and felt very cold. Then he looked at the other one next to him and said, look at you, frozen like this. You are covered in ice. The other said, I'm sorry. It's cold. Another sausage said in surprise, huh? How can you talk like a sausage? 7. I had my hair cut. When I got to school the next day, the students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head looks like a kite. Xiao Ming felt very wronged and ran outside to cry. He cried and cried and flew for 8 1 day. Xiaomei and her boyfriend went out for a drive, and the car was almost out of gas, so they went to refuel. Suddenly a gust of wind blew away her boyfriend's hat. Xiaomei's boyfriend said to her, I'll get my hat, and you help me refuel. Let's go One day, a girl went to tell her fortune and saw that she had a tattoo. She said your boyfriend's name was Liang Xiao. You see the girl with angry eyes and say: This is hate 10. An orangutan walked through the Woods and accidentally picked up the feces of a gibbon. The kind orangutan cleaned up the ape's feces, and soon they fell in love. Someone asked you how you got together. The orangutan replied: it's ape dung (fate)11MM. I got lost in the university and met a gentle professor mm: Excuse me, how can I teach at xx University? Only by studying hard can I play with penguins and pluck all my hair. After pulling it out, I said to the polar bear, it's so cold. I also pulled out all the hair on my body and turned to the penguin and said, it's really cold. 13 ants go to the desert. Why didn't I leave footprints? There is only one line left. Answer: Because it rides a bike, ants come home from the desert. No one was told, but his family knew he was back. Why answer: I saw his bike parked downstairs 14. In the music class, the teacher played a Beethoven song. Xiaoming asked Xiaohua: Do you know music? Xiaohua: Yes, Xiao Ming: Do you know what the teacher is playing? Xiaohua: My wife and I are walking down the street with our three-month-old grandson. An old woman came up to her and said, "He's so cute. How old is he? " Before I could answer, my wife said modestly, "I will be sixty-five in two months." Divorce A gorgeous woman wanted to divorce her husband, so she went to the lawyer and said, "My husband cheated on me. The lawyer asked, "Is there any basis?" The woman replied, "I don't think he is the father of my child." "Counting my son, he is three years old and knows how to count from one to ten, and five is greater than one. I also look for opportunities to teach him at any time and ask him which is bigger, the dog or the kitten. Once, I took a chocolate in my left hand and two chocolates in my right hand and asked him, "Which side is more?" "My son didn't answer, so I continued to ask patiently. The son burst into tears and said, "There are few faces!" " "A female secretary sitting in a chair was sitting on the general manager's lap when the general manager's wife suddenly appeared at the door. The general manager immediately said sternly to the female secretary, "In short, no matter how difficult it is, a company can't just have one chair!" " A Scotsman went to London and wanted to visit an old friend, but he forgot the address, so he sent a telegram to my father: "Do you know Thomas' address?" On the day of the quick report, he received an urgent call back: "I know." Three people went to new york for a holiday. They booked a suite on the 45th floor of a high-rise hotel. One night, the elevator in the building broke down and the waiter arranged for them to spend the night in the lobby. After discussion, they decided to walk back to their rooms and agreed to tell jokes, sing songs and tell stories in turn to reduce the fatigue of going upstairs. After telling jokes and singing songs, we finally climbed to the 34th floor, and everyone felt exhausted. "Well, Peter, tell a humorous story. Peter said, "the story is not long, but it is extremely sad: I left my room key in the lobby."