Guo Yuejin fortune-telling

After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said, "Please give me sausages and pickles!"

Now, please talk to the township head! )

The township head said, "Rabbit, the dog ate today's meal, and everyone is a big jerk!" " "

Comrades, that's enough for today. We are all big bowls! )

No pickles, I'll pick up a piece of shit and lick it for you. ...

Don't talk, I'll tell you a story.

A county magistrate with a strong accent went to the village to give a report: "rabbit, shrimp, pig tail!" No pickles, pickles are too expensive! ! "

Attention, comrades and villagers! Stop talking and have a meeting now! ! )

The coach said, "Class One kills chickens, Class Two steals eggs, and I'll cook porridge for you."

One kind of shooting, the other kind of bombing. Let me show you. )

Wo Chun, I'm stupid.

Mume smells flowers, I have no culture.

I hate the bottom, I have a low IQ,

If you hear me lying like water, ask me who I am.

Eduardo Chun Lv. A big donkey.

The coast is green, I am a donkey,

The coast is green, I am a donkey,

The coast is as green as a daisy. I am an asshole.

Confessions of a network administrator

At present, 98% of Internet cafe guests are idiots, who can't turn on a computer, switch input methods, convert letters into uppercase and lowercase letters, log in without a private server, open QQ voice, enter the game and never quit. I really want to crush him, knead it into a ball, twist it into a twist, fry it in the oil pan, and then take it out.

Voice chat won't turn on MIC, saying that the headset in the internet cafe is broken.

Watching movies is not Mandarin!

Ask me: "stationmaster, do you have porn?" I said no, he blamed the film for being incomplete!

QQ can't log in and say the machine is not good! Lao Tzu ran over and saw that the password was wrong, so he asked me what the password was! ! ! !

There is also a more powerful chick who took a video of an unknown netizen, called me over and asked me who the person in the video was! ! !

Faint, I still have this ability! ! ! ! ! ! !

Hit a CS, someone put smoke bombs. He was flashed and shouted: the network management collapsed. ...

The day before yesterday, an idiot MM QQ chatted and asked me how to type. I asked her, can't you type? She said yes. I said, just type (and help her adjust the input method) and call me later. Say: stationmaster, why can't I type? I said you can't call what you want, and she told me: you call "hello" first, and I'll help her. Then you know what she said. Don't go. Sit next to me and help me type. It looks like a dinosaur. Today, an idiot asked me why there are no QQ coins here. Please help me download some QQ coins ... * *, if that thing can be downloaded ~! I don't have to fucking go to work.

Thief's spirit

1, I got on the bus and didn't bring anything except the bus fare of 1. Sitting from the starting point to the finish line, I feel very calm all the way. But when I got off at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "An adult goes out without anything, and it's no shame to lose it." Thief company. "

The second time, I took a broken wallet with 1 cent in it. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession, thank you. -thief company. "

I broke my wallet for the third time, and it contained counterfeit money of 100. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "It is illegal to hide large denomination counterfeit banknotes. Please consciously hand it over to the relevant departments. Thank you. -thief company. "

The fourth time, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. After arriving at the terminal, the mobile phone was still there, and there was an extra note: "Please don't make such jokes and affect the normal work of our company, thank you. -thief company. "

The fifth time, I took a toy pistol and stuck it in my waist. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the gun was gone and a note was stuffed in my pants: "I hate you robbers most, you have no technical content at all!" " Confiscate the tools of crime! Thief company. "

The sixth time, I was about to get on the bus, and there were too many people to squeeze in. When waiting for the next bus, I felt in my pocket and found that there was an extra 20 yuan, and there was a note: "Brother, our business is not easy this day. This is 20 yuan. Where do you want to take a taxi? Please don't mess with us again! " Thief company. "

So, I also started to press the keyboard! I pressed hard! Press hard! Press faster than them! Louder than them!

They couldn't help looking over, and I glanced at them contemptuously on purpose! They changed their faces and gave me a hard look! I'll stare back at you right away!

They went on playing with a livid face, but the noise exceeded mine!

Would I want to? So, I beat the keyboard with my palm! Clap hard! Clap hard!

Those two guys stopped hitting hard at first sight and started hitting the keyboard! Louder than me again!

How can I stop? Knock on the keyboard with your fist at once! Hit hard! Hit hard!

The two men looked at each other and began to hit the keyboard! The noise has surpassed me again! I won't give up! Tear off the keyboard! Just throw it on the ground! I stepped on it hard Step hard!

Everyone in the internet cafe gave me the warmest applause! Those two non-mainstream idiots are at a loss!

However, under my provocative eyes, they are also angry! They also ripped off the keyboard! Throw it on the ground and step on it! Then they looked at me defiantly!

At this time, the network management of the Internet cafe surrounded them! A webmaster looked at the keyboard trampled by them and slapped it in the face! Then the network management swarmed! Beat up two non-mainstream!

Finally, two non-mainstream people were lying on the ground, and one of them pointed at me weakly and asked, "Why didn't you ... hit him?"

A webmaster kicked him in the past: "People play CS and bring their own keyboards!"

A driver is driving a truck full of hens, teasing his parrot while driving. When a beautiful woman hitchhiked, the driver put the parrot and the hen together in the cargo box and invited the beautiful woman to sit in the cab. After driving for a while, the driver tentatively asked the beauty, "May I kiss you?" The beauty shook her head shyly and said, "No". After waiting for a while, the driver reluctantly asked, "Can you hug me?" The beauty still shook her head and said, "No."The driver said angrily, "If you can't, go down." After driving for a while, the driver felt that his behavior was very ungentlemanly, so he went back and invited the beautiful woman to get on the bus. But after a while, the driver asked, "May I kiss you?" Beauty still shook her head. "Can I have a hug?" Beauty still shook her head. "If you can't, go down." This was repeated three times, and finally I got to the chicken farm. The driver opened the suitcase and found that there were few hens in Miu Miu. Only the parrot mentioned a hen and asked, "Can a beautiful woman kiss me?" The hen shook her head desperately, and the parrot asked, "Can you hug me?" The hen still shook her head. The parrot said, "If you can't, go down." The hen was thrown out of the car. ......

The little white rabbit met a wolf while walking in the forest. He came up and put two big ear stickers on the little white rabbit and said, "I told you not to wear a hat." The little white rabbit left very grievance.

The next day, she skipped out of the house wearing a hat and met the wolf again. He came up and gave the white rabbit two big mouths and said, "I told you to wear a hat."

Tutu is depressed. After thinking for a long time, I finally decided to complain to the king of the forest, Tiger.

After explaining the situation, the tiger said, "OK, I see. I will handle this matter, so trust the organization." On the same day, the tiger found his partner wolf. "It is wrong for you to do so. This is very difficult for me. " Then he wiped the dust off the table: "Do you think this will work?" You can say, Tutu, come and find me a piece of meat! She found the fat one, and you said you wanted the thin one. She found a thin one, and you said you wanted a fat one. So you can hit her. Of course, you can also say that. Tutu, come and find me a woman. She found plump ones, and you said you liked slim ones. She found a slim one, and you said you liked the plump one. You can beat her. It is both reasonable and powerful. "The wolf nodded and clapped his hands, and the reverence for the tiger once again reached a new peak. Unexpectedly, the above instructions were heard by the little white rabbit who was weeding the tiger's house outside the window. I hate this in my heart.

The next day, the little white rabbit went out again. What a coincidence! It's the big bad wolf coming. The wolf said, "Tutu, come and find me a piece of meat." Tutu said, "So, do you want to be fat or thin?" The wolf listened, his heart sank and he was happy again. He said, fortunately, there is a plan B. He added, "Tutu, Mary, find me a woman." Tutu asked, "So, do you like plump or slim?" The wolf was silent for 2 seconds and raised his hand to give Tutu two big ear stickers. "Shit, I told you not to wear a hat."

The prisoner was shot. The first shot didn't go off because of the poor quality of the bullet, and then the second shot was fired. . . The third shot. . . At this time, the prisoner cried and hugged the bailiff's thigh and said, eldest brother, you strangled me! It's fucking horrible. .....

one

A mental hospital heard that the leader would come to the hospital to inspect the situation, so the dean called a meeting of the patients in the hospital at the meeting.

The dean said: "This afternoon, there are very important leaders coming to visit, and all the people will meet them at the door. Zaihuan

When greeting, all the patients stood on both sides of the hospital gate, standing neatly. As soon as I cough, everyone plays drums together.

Palm, the warmer the better; When I stamp my foot, I must stop completely. I can't make mistakes. If everyone is ready,

We can give you meat buns tonight. As long as one person screws up, everyone has no buns to eat. Remember.

have you finished? "The patients in the audience shouted together:" Remember! "

This afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he stepped into the gate, the popular patient was already standing at the door.

At that time, with the cough of the hospital dean, all the patients applauded together, and the atmosphere was very warm. Visiting leaders

Infected by the warm atmosphere and with a smile on his face, he applauded and walked into the hospital with everyone. See the leader has entered the doctor.

When the hospital director stamped his foot, all the applause stopped and it was neat. Only this leader is still playing drums with a smile.

The dean felt very satisfied when he walked forward. Suddenly, a disease as strong as Schwarzenegger emerged from the welcome crowd.

People, strode to the front of the leadership, picking up Yuan gave him a big slap in the face and shouted angrily-"Your ya don't want to eat steamed stuffed bun? ! ! ! "

There are three people, competing marksmanship together, and a black man is holding something as a target.

The first man put an apple on the black man's head, and then at a distance of 10 meters, he raised his hand and shot it and broke it. He blew his gun and said, I'm Zorro!

The second man put a cherry on the black man's head, and then at a distance of 50 meters, he raised his hand and shot it and broke it. He blew the muzzle and said, I'm m007.

The third man put a sesame seed on the black man's head, and then raised his hand to smash the black man's head at a distance of 100 meters. He also blew the gun and said, I'm sorry ...

A mother took a bath with her baby son Binbin. Binbin pointed to his mother's black baby and asked, "What is that?" Mom replied, "That's mom's garage." Binbin pointed to her baby and asked, "Mom, what is this?" His mother replied, "That's Binbin's car!" Binbin said, "Can I park my car in your garage?" Mom said, "No! That's your father's' big truck' coming in at night. "

In the evening, Binbin sneaked into her parents' room. "dad! Dad! " Binbin shouted, "Your parking skills are really poor. After stopping for so long, the two rear wheels of your' big truck' are still outside the garage. "

When I was in primary school, my teacher once found me talking in class.

The teacher said, "I'll slap you again ~ ~"

I wanted to laugh at that time, but I didn't feel it.

Tractors and BMW racing cars

A boss finished drinking, whistled and drove his beloved Mercedes-Benz 600 on the expressway, very happy. At this time, he found an agricultural tractor parked by the roadside and another person waving. So he stopped the car. It turned out that the tractor broke down on the road and I wanted to find someone to help tow it away. The boss was very happy today and agreed.

At the same time, two people agreed that if the tractor turns on the right turn signal, please continue driving. If the tractor turns on the left turn signal, please stop. Then, the boss drove the Mercedes-Benz 600 and tractor on the road. Suddenly, a BMW overtook them from behind at breakneck speed. When the boss saw it, he was very angry and shouted, "No one dares to surpass me in Mercedes-Benz 600!" So, he immediately hung up the high-end, stepped on the gas pedal and ran to let BMW catch up. I forgot to drag a tractor behind me because I drank wine. The boss soon caught up with BMW. Just as they were racing at a speed of 280 miles per hour, a traffic policeman on the roadside found it was too late to stop them. He quickly took out his walkie-talkie and contacted the policeman in the next section: "Hey, hey, I found two cars speeding, one is BMW and the other is Mercedes-Benz 600." . . .

A: "Look at that child playing with the ball. Is it a boy or a girl? "

B: "It's a girl. She is my daughter. "

A: "Oh … sorry, I didn't know you were her father."

B: "No … I'm her mother …"

At dusk, I jog on the industrial road.

A young man ran up from behind me and shouted into my ear, "Run!" " "

"What's the matter?" I asked the young man next to me.

"Run." The young man ran ahead of me.

After chasing 500 meters quickly, I panted and asked, "What's the matter?"

"You run too slowly." The young man left me and ran away.

A hen is sitting comfortably with an egg. Suddenly, an egg came out from under her ass.

Hen: "What's the matter? How did you get out? "

Little egg: "you ... you ... you fart!" " "

Hen: @ # $ *&…

Lao Chen: "Last night was really unlucky."

Lao Li: "What's the matter?"

Lao Chen: "I went home early last night. I used to hug my maid in the dark, but last night I hugged my wife. "

Lao Li: "That doesn't matter!"

Lao Chen: "But my wife said ~ Xiao Feng, Lao Chen will be back soon, so don't go!" "

A mother came out with her baby and coaxed her baby on the bus.

A passenger poked his head out curiously and said, "Wow! What an ugly baby! "

Mom was very sad when she heard this, so she kept crying and crying.

Later, the bus stopped at a station and some new passengers got on the bus. A kind passenger saw her crying so sadly and comforted her by saying, "Madam, why are you crying so sadly?" ? Look on the bright side, there is nothing that cannot be solved! All right! All right! Stop crying! I'll get you a cup of cold water! Just relax。 "

After a while, the passenger really poured her a glass of water and said, "well, don't cry. Drinking this glass of water will make you feel better." Besides, this banana is for your monkey! " "

A man named "A Zhong" (from Taiwan Province) from Taiwan Province immigrated to the United States with his family.

One morning, A Zhong swept the floor in front of his house. Suddenly he saw his neighbor next door and said hello: "I'm Zhong!" " "(Taiwan Province)

The neighbor next door replied, "Good morning!"

Zhong doesn't know English, which is very strange.

The next day, A Zhong met his next-door neighbor and said, "I am A Zhong!" " "(Taiwan Province)

The neighbor next door replied, "Good morning!"

Clock and feel very strange.

In the evening, he asked his daughter's next-door neighbor what good morning meant. His daughter replied, "that's to say good morning to you!" " "

On the third day, A Zhong met his next-door neighbor again and said, "Good morning!" "

Zhong thought he wouldn't be wrong this time, right? But the neighbor replied, "I am loyal!" "

Clock stood on the spot. ...

A: "Old man, why did you pour other people's wheat into your own sack?"

B: "Because I am a half-crazy person!"

A: "Since you are a half-crazy person, why don't you pour your own wheat into other people's sacks?"

B: "Then I'm completely crazy!"

A and B are arguing about whether there are miracles in the world. A: If someone falls from the third floor, it's safe. If it's not a miracle, what is it?

That's luck.

A: What if that person falls down again and is not hurt?

That's a lucky star.

A: What if I fall down again?

B: Oh! That is well trained!

A dog lover took his favorite puppy on a trip. One day on a yacht, the puppy suddenly fell into the water. The passenger asked the captain to stop the boat and salvage the puppy.

The captain explained that we can't delay everyone's time just because a dog stopped the boat, because it is not as important as saving people after all.

Hearing this, the passenger jumped into the water and shouted for help. Seeing this, the captain had no choice but to stop the boat and salvage it, and rescue him and the dog on board.

A nearsighted passenger, while wandering by the river, saw a sign erected in the middle, but unfortunately the words in the middle could not be read clearly. Curious, he had to take off his shoes and wade into the river to find out, only to see the sign read:

A: "Why did you break off your engagement with Mr. Zhang?"

B: "Yesterday we went to see a fortune teller. The fortune teller said I would have two children, but he said he would have four. Think about it. He has two children, with whom? "

A newly married young couple received many wedding gifts from relatives and friends, some of which were very expensive and some were very practical. Among them, there is an envelope, which only contains two movie tickets and a small note. Only five small words were written on the note: Guess who I am? The couple thought for a long time. Who will give them movie tickets?

I just can't figure it out after thinking for a long time. "come on Forget it. Since people are kind, let's go to the movies tonight. " Mr. Wang said to his wife.

After watching the movie, when the young couple came home, it was a real surprise, because thieves visited their home and took all the valuables.

Finally, I found a note on the dining table, which read: Guess who I am!

A mother mouse and some little mice are walking on the grass. Suddenly a cat came, and all the little mice were scared to hide. Only the mother mouse was calm and did not escape. Seeing the cat getting closer and closer from a distance, the little mice were very scared. At this time, the mother mouse learned a dog bark, and the cat didn't know there was fraud, so she turned around and ran. When the cat ran away, the little mice ran out in fear and looked at their mother. When all the mice arrived, the mother mouse seriously taught the mice: "children, how important it is to master a foreign language!" "

A: "I bought a copy of The Secret of Memory yesterday. That's great. I finished reading it at once last night. "

B: "Can you lend it to me?"

A: "Of course. Hey, where did I put it? "

The thief stole a chicken and was plucking its hair by the river when a policeman came. The thief hurriedly put the chicken into the river.

The policeman asked, "What are you doing? What's in the river? "

The thief said, "That's a chicken. It is going to cross the river. I'm here to look after its clothes ... "

There is a box of fresh eggs in the refrigerator.

One of the eggs said, "Hey! You see ... that ugly egg in the corner ... "

"Really ...! It's so white among us ... it's really not embarrassing! "

"Yes, yes ..."

Then the ugly egg in black, green and green turned its head and said, "Who said kiwi fruit can't be put in the egg folder ...? "

An ophthalmologist successfully cured the eye disease of a famous surrealist painter. When charging, the doctor said that he couldn't collect money, but he hoped that the painter would draw one for him, and the content would be chosen by the painter himself.

The painter thanked the doctor for curing his eye disease, so he drew a huge eye, drawing every detail, and drew a perfect portrait for the doctor in the center of the pupil.

When the ophthalmologist saw this painting, he was suddenly shocked by the artist's extraordinary artistic expression. His mouth opened wide in surprise, and it took him a long time to say, "Thank God, I'm not an anal surgeon.

Do you know why Washington didn't blame him when he cut down the cherry tree?

Ha ha laugh ... because Washington still has an axe in his hand.

Xiao Lin and Xiao Li had a good talk. Talking about the way of doing things, Kobayashi said, "I only believe half of what others say, which is why I can succeed today."

Xiao Li said, "I am just the opposite of you. I always believe what others say. I am today.

Still very successful. "

Xiao Lin was surprised and immediately asked, ah, is there such a thing?

Where do you work now? ""the tax office. "The nouveau riche invited many friends to visit his three swimming pools. Everyone was puzzled and asked him why he wanted three.

He said: "The first one is the same as the general swimming pool, which is filled with cold water and has the same use as the general one." The second one is filled with hot water and used in cold weather. The third one is not filled with water. "

"What is a swimming pool without water?"

"I have some friends who are landlubbers. They can't use hot and cold swimming pools, so I built this for them. "

In the promotion of funeral customs, a TV station interviewed the wife of the deceased on the spot: "Are you going to adopt sea burial?"

The woman shook her head again and again and said, "No, he can't swim."

A thief came to a house and found nothing. He was about to leave. The master said, "Please close the door."

The thief said disdainfully, "Your house doesn't need to be closed at all."

The rich man asked the beggar, "Why do dogs bite when they see you?"

The beggar said, "If I have good clothes to wear, the beast will respect me!" " "

The watchdog is dead. After dissecting it, it turned out that it was poisoned by eating its own flesh. The owner wondered that the poisonous meat was used to poison wild cats and put it in the barn, but the dog was always tied to the gate. How can it eat poisonous meat?

Out of the gate, there are several poisoned wild cats not far away. The host has been puzzled and told the neighbors about it. The neighbor said, "I don't understand. Obviously, the dog died of kickbacks. "

"What's with the bump on your head?" Someone asked his friend.

"I was about to walk into a building when I saw a notice at the door. Because I was nearsighted, I came to see it."

"What does the notice say?"

"Be careful: the door opens outwards!"

How to catch mosquitoes alive in summer?

1. Of course we should raise him.

Send him to school.

3. Buy him a house

4. Help him get a wife

5. babysit for him

What else can you do?

After all, it is your blood.

A young man rushed down the dock and jumped on the ferry three feet offshore, saying that he finally caught the boat! "

The person next to him smiled and said, "Our ship has docked!" "

From now on, my social status will be higher than before.

-Did you get a promotion?

No, you see, I have three gold teeth.

Flea life

Once upon a time, a flea lived on the reproductive organs of a female cellist, but it was awakened by the sound of a violin every morning, so it planned to move. Once in a public performance, it found that the two beards on the conductor's mouth were a good place to live, so it moved home and went to the conductor's beard. From then on, it thought it would not be bothered by the sound of the violin.

But a few days later, it was awakened by a noisy sound. It looked around and swore, "Why should I come back here?"

A detachable quilt

The teacher teaches students the new word "quilt" in class. Xiao Ming didn't understand, so the teacher patiently inspired him: "What's on the bed when you sleep at night?"

"It's a sheet."

"What about the sheets?"

"It's my mother." The whole class burst into laughter.

Undaunted, the teacher asked, "What about your mother?"

Xiao Ming mumbled something: "It's my dad ..."

Sex maniac vs girl

On the crowded subway car during rush hour, a timid pervert plucked up courage and touched the girl next to him. After several stops, when he was about to get off the bus, the girl kicked him hard. He was ashamed and said shyly, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."

The girl said angrily, "Sir, don't do what you can't finish."

Wife test

A rich lady wants to get a driver's license.

In the examination room, the examiner asked her, "Madam, please answer, what does that white line on the road mean?"

Sir ... that's probably for bicycles. "

"What does that symbol like S mean?"

"This shows that there are snakes in this area ..."

telescope

A lady called the police station and said, "officer, there is a naked man in the next building." 」

The police officer said, "madam, we will be there soon." 」

(Five minutes later, the police officer arrived at the scene. )

The police officer asked, "Where is it? Lady! 」

The wife said, "Right here, officer. He still goes his own way, naked and shameless. 」

The police officer asked, "Where is it? Lady! I don't see any naked men. 」

The wife said, "You must use a telescope to see him! 』

Humor of class teacher

One year, our school was lucky enough to attend the rehearsal of the opening ceremony of the Eighth National Games. On the official opening day, many stars came, and the female students were in chaos. The next day, the class teacher called the monitor and asked, "Were the students all right when we played yesterday?" ? Is there anyone who doesn't obey discipline? "The monitor replied," Nothing else, that is, when Jeff Chang Shin-Che's letter came out, many female students rushed out to read it. " Who knows that the class teacher's next words made countless students dizzy and were also passed down as "a much-told story". Because the headmaster asked, "Jeff Chang Shin-Che Shenche? What class? "