Excuse me, who has Wong Tze Wah's classic quotations? Both TV plays and jokes are ok ~ ~

When I was a child, there was a subject in school called social health education. There is a photo in it, which says that dad will take you to school and pick you up after school. The weather is so warm.

Later, I saw it more clearly. It turns out that the people who sent it to school and picked it up from school are different!

There are two people, two fathers!

02. Dad

I always thought that dad was selective and attached.

Yes, most people have fathers, just as most cars have radios.

But its appearance is selective! Not every car has it.

So when I was young, I hated that smelly boy saying "My dad is good, good ..." in front of me all day.

I think this person is very lucky, just like you have a car and keep telling people:

"My car is open and surrounded!"

Why didn't you say, "My dad drives a convertible and uses unleaded gasoline!"

03. Fighting

I don't fight.

Really, people my age have never been in a fight.

Because I always think that if you fight with a person, this person looks better than you at first sight, and there is no reason to be so stupid.

If this man is not enough for you at first sight, but he still wants to fight you, then he must have a secret weapon!

04. Dog

Ladies and gentlemen, if you have a dog, you might as well take a closer look.

No matter how happy your dog is, there is always deeper sadness behind happiness.

That kind of sadness comes from you coming home from work, and he can't tell you:

"Don't change clothes, eat in the street, it's my treat!"

Just because your dog has no money, it will always depend on you.

05. Sex education

About sex education, parents don't know how to teach it. Do you know how to demonstrate?

They know, but they don't have a chance to demonstrate, because every night when the demonstration time comes, dad will say:

It's nine o'clock, Hanako. Why don't you go to bed?

Wake me up at nine o'clock. Do you think I am a farmer?

Maybe they don't mind demonstrating, but I wonder if I need it?

I don't know. I read sister magazines every day, really to see fashion. I don't know!

Everyone knows, but pretends not to know.

Since everyone is so hypocritical, everyone will be polite when the family is a social circle.

Dad, my mother asked if you would come back for a potluck tonight.

-Grandma, your husband said that ordinary meals are not good, so I'm sorry to bother you.

Little sister, your father told you to go out and buy a newspaper.

Why didn't you call me? I am your brother. Do you believe me?

06. Responsibility

If you tell me, I can't film because I'm not handsome enough.

You shouldn't tell me because it's none of my business. I shouldn't take this responsibility. You should tell my parents that they made me like this. If you want to punish them, you should punish them In the future, whoever looks ugly will be punished for not filming, otherwise it will be a walk-on!

I am not an irresponsible person. I have been responsible for my parents' temporary happiness for decades. I thought I was easy?

When I was a child, I didn't study well or failed the exam. I didn't hold my parents responsible. I sign my report card!

Whenever my parents quarrel, I don't ask them to endure each other for the sake of my childhood. I just let them scold in the street!

When I grow up, I don't know which religion to believe, what to be a man for, and the direction of my career. I didn't ask my parents to take care of me.

Instead, turn your head and remind them: you should make money and save money for a rainy day, or you will be helpless when you are old!

Everything is mine!

07. Confusion

In the company, the boss will say to me, "When you go back to the company, you should either go to bed or go to the toilet. Do you think this is your home? "

When I get home, my mother will say to me again, "Do you still think this is your home? You come back to sleep or go to the toilet! "

So ..... I can't sleep at home, I can't go to the toilet, I can't go to the toilet and I can't sleep when I get back to the company, so where can I do these things?

Later, when I thought about it carefully, I found myself really going too far, so I regretted it. Go to sleep when you get home, and go to the bathroom when you get back to the company.

08. Eighteen years old

Why is eighteen the legal age?

Because we are eighteen, we are legally responsible for ourselves!

Redundant! Don't we have to be responsible for ourselves before we are eighteen? You can rush out of the road at any time before you are eighteen: "I'm only seventeen and a half. I don't believe you dare to kill me!" " "

Before I was eighteen, I hit a punk in the street. The punk would say, "Look, you are not eighteen, so I will put up with you!" " "

In fact, the biggest advantage of being eighteen is to have a legal job! The age of love.

I want to ask, who will have sex because it is legal? Most people still do it! Is love for orgasm and pleasure?

If you tell me that sex before 18 years old is not an orgasm, and sex before 18 years old is done in vain, if so, it will have special significance!

09. Children's education

I always feel that we always lie to children, pretend that we are fine, and tell the world that everything is fine, just like a fairy tale world! This is not right!

When I was a child, I flew with my mother and saw that the water in the toilet was blue. I had never seen it before, so I went to ask my mother what those were. Mother said, "It's the sky." So I became the first person in the world to eat the sky.

When I was a child, adults often told fairy tales and Snow White. What they say about Snow White is so beautiful, so gentle and so worth pursuing.

But it didn't say we were Prince Charming! Who is Prince Charming? At least one white horse. In other words, it is the owner of BMW! Don't you think so?

It's dangerous to say half and half. It's like saying to a child, "Xiao Ming, it's fun to fly out of the window. You can see it all over Hong Kong, floating around in the air ..."

But you didn't tell him, "but when you fall, it will be faster than taking the elevator!" " "

10. Civilization

I have always felt that the three greatest discoveries in human history are:

First, Newton discovered gravity.

Second, Ai En Stein discovered the theory of relativity.

Third, I just don't know that magazines find masturbation harmless to human body.

0 1. structural transformation

One day, your boyfriend said to you, "I broke up."

You will say, "What is it this time?"

Your boyfriend will correct you: "This time is different, this time ... last time ... next time ... these general separations are those that are said once every three days and are called" periodic breakups ". This is a kind of "structural disintegration". As this breakup is cyclical, I am willing to give you a little more breakup fee. If you are willing to participate in this voluntary breakup plan, I can add another 3%. Stop it, there is nothing to say this time, we can't be together unless ... you can make structural transformation ... breast augmentation! "

When a so-called "structural unemployment" appears in a society, it tells you that the essence of this society is basically: ingratitude, giving her impetuousness.

It's really serious now. Many people have been unemployed for a long time and it is difficult to find a job. These people will consider suicide and have no confidence to continue to be human. I think these friends, if you really want to take this step, you really have to ask yourself: are you willing to make a structural transformation?

Ladies, I already told you, you need breast implants! I'm not kidding. Your breast augmentation can really help you find a job. I don't invite anyone, but if you say you have breast implants, I want to see you!

Fill in the resume of the next interview, three words: "breast augmentation". I promise to give you an interview.

(Manager:) "Breast augmentation? Call her in ... "

"Young lady, you said you had breast augmentation, but you didn't seem to feel it. Oh, why? 」

(Miss:) "Oh ~ ~ No, manager, I graduated from Harvard, so I can't exaggerate." 」

Gentlemen, what part of your structure needs to be transformed?

Not bad, your penis

We have always had this tradition in China. In every dynasty, a large number of people lost their jobs and became eunuchs through structural transformation. And many eunuchs later became CEOs!

In fact, eunuchs are the fastest growing industry. A moment ago, you were a man, and a moment later, you became a grandfather! .....

02. read less

On the contrary, I appreciate another sentence by Bruce Lee, which has a great influence on me. This sentence was said by him before he died in Jingwumen: I didn't read many books (clenching my fist, stretching my forefinger in front of me a few times, Bruce Lee's classic action). Don't lie to me!

When I was a child, I was afraid of reading less books. At that time, I knew that reading less can be so cool!

After that, it's completely different. Speaking of exams, "I don't read much, sir. Don't test me!" "

It applies to all aspects of life. "I read less books, you don't lie to me! ..... How much are these oranges? "

I also hope that when our NPC deputies go to the meeting above, they suddenly walk on the stage and say, "I don't read much, don't lie to me!" " How many people are there in a small number of people? "

complex

However, I am a person with complicated feelings. If a person with complicated feelings only loves you, he will become emotionally defective. Even if you have a person with emotional defects, it's no use.

04. asked the ghost

My father is a questioner.

If a thief robbed him, he said he would ask the thief why he indulged himself.

If he met a ghost, he said he would ask why the ghost scared him.

I really don't understand how humans should react because there are too many thieves.

Facing what ghosts should do, I feel more and more that my father's attitude is correct.

Kill Buddha in case of Buddha, don't be so rude in case of ghost. To ask a gossip, it is a vast land.

The question is, are there really ghosts?

I have never seen a ghost.

Not only that, I never knew anyone had seen a ghost before I was 15 years old.

I'm embarrassed to say it. I don't know if genetic factors have birth defects. My family, whether my parents, brothers, uncles, sisters, cousins, have never had any experience of hitting ghosts. Growing up, I heard the scariest story at home, which was told by my grandfather. A farmer smoked in hemp fiber in the middle of the night and was mistaken for a monster's X-file. My family's experience in this respect can be imagined.

Of course, when I walked through the narrow lane of a quiet street, I suddenly felt the evil wind, and I felt like I was crushed by a ghost when I dreamed in the middle of the night. When urinating in the public toilet, I feel something scratching behind my pants for no reason. I have tried all these, and many friends can't wait to say that this is the ironclad evidence of my evil deeds. But my common sense tells me that telling others that they have had ghost-hitting experiences based on these low-level materials will only be judged as hysterical ghost-hitting fanatics. By the same token, I refuse to accept any ghost story that catches the wind and shadows. Let me believe that your Excellency has met a ghost? Please be more strict with yourself. Otherwise, I'll just treat you like a hemp seed farmer and don't smoke and fart.

Time flies, fifteen winters and summers have passed, and I have never heard a convincing ghost story.

Fifteen years old, finally heard the news!

My tutor told me that she met an old man who had just died in the stairwell on her way home!

Wow, fresh and hot. I witnessed paintings and sounds, as well as flowers and holidays?

I am happy for myself. After a lifetime, I can finally hear a true ghost story. It's really worth it

Who knows, it's just beginning!

Look at three! The legal age for watching movies is eighteen, and the legal age for listening to ghost stories is fifteen. When you are old, you don't have to buy a ticket when the door of social interaction opens, and the story of the underworld is delivered to your door for free. A piece of true story, first-hand information, bared his teeth, childlike innocence.

A friend woke up in his sleep and suddenly found a dead head on the pillow. Just when she wanted to shout, the other end of the phone disappeared in front of her.

Some friends were possessed by ghosts, lost their perseverance at night, and threw themselves into the sea alone. Every night, his family looks at him like an enemy. The whole family lived in this state for two years.

In addition, a large group of friends encounter evil spirits at the same time, and everyone will encounter all kinds of things that happen in horror movies in their own environment: seeing another person in the mirror, seeing the same person bleeding from seven holes for no reason, seeing handkerchiefs rising together and floating out of the house, and so on.

If you think these are still too illusory, a friend said that when he comes home every day, he will see a man in white sitting in the hall watching TV without a remote control. In addition, he likes to watch more wireless.

Is it true enough?

In short, I've heard enough ghost stories since I was fifteen. Once, I started to get a little bored.

What, in all the stories I've heard, ghosts are always oppressors?

Why are the scary, vengeful and evil always ghosts? So much so that we went to Chengmen Reservoir for a picnic and ran to the water's edge to pee. Do you want to borrow it or not?

We are used to the horror of ghosts, as if we were born thieves and ghosts are soldiers!

We are afraid of ghosts. We are afraid that if there are ghosts at home, we will comfort ourselves that we are a good ghost and will not bother us.

Boss, in Hong Kong, what is more terrible than not being able to pay the rent after death? You damn fool have taken up my precious space. Do you want me to put in a good word for you? Do you know how many gold ingot candles I can give you after paying the rates?

Dear human, it's time to regain your dignity.

How to answer it?

Fear, fear, it is human nature to get up in the middle of the night to have a drink, and it takes the opportunity to flash out of the darkness and grin. It's really not surprising. But we can't be scared by it every time.

We should be mentally prepared and fight back. Yes, just the weak one.

The one I suggested is the one my father proposed: ask it a question!

Don't underestimate this problem. If everyone who bumps into ghosts can successfully ask ghosts once, and one in ten ghosts is willing to answer honestly, can you imagine how much knowledge about ghosts we have accumulated so far? And when we can compile a book "Why are 100,000 Ghosts", it may be that we no longer have to be afraid of ghosts, which is the beginning of ghosts being afraid of us.

So, I made up my mind long ago. If I am really lucky to meet a ghost one night, I will ask it a question no matter how scared I am.

I also prepared a question:

Brother Ghost, seriously, apart from scaring people, what is your greatest entertainment?

05. Zhu is even funnier.

Zhu! Rong! Why does gay charm Xiangjiang?

Of course, it's not because of his economic policies or theories.

Sir Huang believes that the popularity of things with large brains is definitely limited.

"Macro-control" is certainly not as popular as "macro-air conditioning".

"State-owned enterprise joint-stock system" will certainly not make as much money as "state-owned enterprise youth".

Yang Guo must be more popular with ladies than Yang Huaikang.

For the benefit of workers and people, achievements are certainly higher than those of the people. ...

The irrefutable evidence is like a mountain. You won't accept it unless you get it. If you have any questions, it must be that my writing is not honest enough and I use my brain too much.

Zhu! Rong! Why does gay charm Xiangjiang?

The official answer of HKCEE is humor.

An ugly person knows how to use humor, so that he can have plastic surgery.

A good man has a sense of humor and suddenly becomes a little boy next door, blushing and squinting. He is amiable, can be pinched, and his interest is beyond measure.

Dong wants to give way. (If the positions are different, it is no problem to write Feng Ting first and then Dongdong. )

A totalitarian leader is willing to shed a few drops of humor and laughter. My mother, it's like the dew from heaven, and the spring breeze turns into rain. democracy

From then on, the door opened wide, and the suffering of ants reached heaven. It used to be timid, step by step and unpredictable. Now, the dragon is smiling, can tell jokes, is organized and can tell jokes. Alas, quality education is a treasure, and you tell jokes. ...

Is this ... is this a dream?

This is ... ah ... beautiful, beautiful!

Students, if there is any irony in what I just wrote, it is just a bad habit. I sincerely want to say

Premier Zhu, oh, no, not yet. You see, I'm so anxious to talk nonsense. What I want to say is, Mr. Zhu, you really fascinate me.

Zhu said: "China people are the smartest people in the world. This sentence is not the central idea of Nazism. What is this? People with common sense won't

Banning Zhu's ultra-nationalist remarks became tense. Then Zhu added, "The reporters present please don't say anything ..." Another sentence completely resolved the previous tension, because this second sentence is equivalent to admitting that there is something wrong with the first sentence. Vice Premier Zhu knows how to laugh at himself.

Just because students are cautious and laugh at themselves doesn't mean they don't believe in themselves. On the contrary, it may mean that they believe in themselves more. But self-mockery can make you feel insecure.

Being too naked will embarrass others.

Sir Huang knows many successful people and finds that most successful people have a great virtue-never fail! Well, the losers are all big shots.

How serious it is. Serious people, in addition to being serious, will recognize people and things, and recognize shit and fart. This sentence is not a joke. "Shit is harder than you, and fart is sweeter than you." It is true that the speaker is well founded and the listener is speechless.

Sir Huang only hopes that after Zhu's turn, humor and self-mockery will become a craze that successful people in Hong Kong are scrambling to emulate. Never flinch. but

Please note that this is not self-mockery, let alone humor, because there are hundreds of millions of rich people, and they frequently call "young people spend money to eat".

How can I put it? For example.

The girl with big breasts wrote on her chest: "This is fake." Not humorous.

Big-breasted women write "not ass" on their chests. You can think of it as self-mockery.

06. Lost "virtue"

Recently, many kings in the tutorial world have undergone plastic surgery-peeling, and the tutorial society is flying around in a quiet river. For Mr. Huang, this is a good opportunity to make up for all the students.

Forget the gossip. Dick, who just finished the exam, wrote to ask Sir Huang for advice. Mr. Huang should do his best. But I want to solemnly declare that Sir Huang's comments are for reference only, or for laughing. If you do something amazing after reading the whole article, it's only the fault of your parents, teachers, brothers, friends, community or the provisional legislature, and it has nothing to do with me or Tung Chee-hwa.

The question of "virtue" is expressed in her own words. After synthesis, there are the following points:

First, I can't find my own way at all.

Second, I don't know where to start.

I know I don't have to go to college to have a good future, but I don't even know what I want to do.

Fourth, I don't know when the whole person seems to be caught in a maze.

Should I make a plan for my future? What should I do?

Ah, to tell you the truth, after reading your letter, I almost don't know what I'm doing. I feel dizzy and want to ask someone for help.

Your letter is very infectious. Awesome!

Well, to sum up your problem, you are actually sick. You are suffering from a delusion that we professionals call "you will arrive at your destination in one second without waiting for me to solve it right away".

Yes, you just graduated from HKCEE. You can't enter the sixth grade smoothly. You don't know your real intention in other classes, so you are very lost.

Let me tell you a few other cases.

There is a director who hasn't been filming for three years and wants to change careers. He doesn't know what he can do. He got lost.

I have a husband who has been married for ten years and tried to have an affair. They are all bored, but they have several children, and I don't know how to maintain them. He got lost.

There are great writers, small rich people, nurses, firefighters, lawyers, criminals, and so on, all lost. In this market, bamboo shoots are hard to find, but lost people must grow up.

Ah, confusion is the basic form of being a man. If ordinary people are willing to spend more time to calm down, if karaoke in Hong Kong is willing to close for three days, then the number of people who lost contact will definitely double immediately.

Knowing that you are lost is a harbinger of starting to look for it. Ah, I congratulate you.

People who are looking for it should be psychologically prepared and not impatient, because it may take a lifetime to find it.

Can you still live? Yes, it has been proved in medicine that studying while working is absolutely healthy and you can live to ninety-nine. Similarly, it is the best choice to study civil engineering and see if you like it or not. Unless you avoid soil and wood, as long as you don't avoid engineering, it is still worth a try.

Ah, according to sir Huang, as long as you are willing to work hard, you will certainly find a way out. Your only question is your name. For a girl, whether it's Dick or Ah, it's a little. ...

It's better to go back to the housing company than to drink too much.

First, do harm to others, and victory depends on hidden weapons.

If people don't know ... don't be so sweet. ....

If you want to idle around and rape, you can easily turn over a serious illness.

You are not ugly. You are ugly. You are not very practical. Your nose table is too big. You can't see your eyes, ears, nose and mouth.

Virgins are not qualified to commit suicide!

If you are wrong, admit it! Ask the other party to recognize! ! !

Might as well jump into the well and die ~ ~ ~

It's good not to report your kindness ... don't report your enmity, scum ....

Thirty-six, bully the weak and be afraid of the hard

A drop of blood in Jianghu ..

Don't tell outsiders. ..

Talk to outsiders. ..

Nosebleeds day and night ..

Love is like a meteor shower, brief and beautiful,

If you don't have time to talk about love, please camp with me.

As long as you have a bathing suit, you can call a doctor when you die.

Hello, is this Baba Ba? I have three c's, cheaper, cheaper, cheaper.

You can't get what you love. You can't get what you don't love.

After removing makeup, I know it's called makeup, and I know it's called camouflage.

Make-up is called makeup. Women should not only give you a makeup, but also bury your confidence.

If I work so hard, I will die.

Bai Jia's name was changed well, and Gan Dajian's bedding was only 100 kinds of wild lines. D m's name is modesty.

Basically, men do three noes, do not take the initiative, do not resist, and the most important thing is that our department is not responsible. D If the boss turns into the sky, D employees will know nothing, which is very exciting.

D employees become days, and the boss does not give lucky money and washes people to death.

You go back to Diaoyutai, we are in China, on the same day!

Part of it is man-made, half is what you did, and the other half is what you suffered.

D pork chop makes me happy.

But it makes you happy.

Buffet might as well go too far. Don't give the cat too high a score.

I have a job ... called Yin Gong.

In love, women are the greatest! Men sacrifice for the pursuit of beauty; When a woman dies, she only gets a marijuana man! And the greatest thing is that they don't feel sacrificed at all.

Before I fell in love for the first time, my little dragon girl only needed one condition, and that was beauty. I know I'm shallow, but what? ? I didn't know my body was so important when I was in the array.

Killing and setting fire to the golden belt. I can't help you pull your shoes this time!

Well, it is not good to sing love songs when you are lovelorn. Singing love songs when you are lovelorn is leaking. Close the window, sister.