Unsafe attachment, how to get out of the shadow of family background?

How to get out of the shadow of family background?

Happy people use their childhood to cure their whole lives, while unfortunate people use their whole lives to cure their childhood.

The types of insecure attachment mainly come from the trauma caused by family background/growth experience.

How to treat it? Let's see what the problem is first.

Guilt prevents us from saying "no"

"It's all for you … I just …" (Have you ever said the same thing to your other half? This is a typical emotional blackmail, which makes children think that they are the root of all misfortune.

Because they believe that they are the unfortunate culprit, children will feel that they are not good enough/owe, and they must constantly strive to achieve their goals in order to "win" the love of their parents.

This will lead to emotional self-sacrifice/over-commitment of children as adults. There will be misunderstandings in love, and no matter how much you pay, you deserve to be loved. )

However, healthy love does not require conditions. Parents' love for their children is their responsibility.

Fear makes us afraid to face our parents' disappointment.

Fear comes from the authority of parents. If parents are too strict and make children obey, then children will gradually lose the sense of self-demand. As long as parents are happy, children will obey. Do you lack the protection of your boundaries in love? )

Shame makes us afraid of criticism.

The sense of humiliation stems from being rejected. Especially when children are rejected when they are eager to establish emotional ties with their parents, this helpless pain will force them to do something (as long as parents can see them respond). The children didn't realize that they had been abused. On the contrary, children think they are humiliated for not doing well. If the other party doesn't respond, you can't just look for reasons from yourself, such as not receiving a reply, and you can't always think that you are wrong. )

How to get rid of it?

Need to build self-awareness. Identify self-needs and life goals.

If we are taught from an early age to put others first, we may forget our own needs. You can find your hobbies by participating in social activities, define your life goals, and make a satisfactory blueprint for your life planning.

Pay attention to self-feeling and give priority to taking care of yourself.

It is very important to rebuild self-awareness, so give yourself psychological hints: your inner experience is very important, your inner world is worth guarding, your feelings and thoughts are as important as others, you are a person worthy of companionship ... giving priority to taking care of yourself is a good way to repair your relationship with yourself, and don't ignore yourself.

When you criticize yourself again because of guilt, you might as well write down what you support and read it out loud to strengthen the repair of self-awareness.

Parents are things we can't choose and change. They gave us life, but they only know how to love you in their own way. Maybe they had a traumatic experience. But we can try to heal the wound. Learn to love yourself in the right way.

Respect your parents, but don't let them control your emotions. More importantly, face up to the trauma and accept the fear. Don't be afraid of being abandoned. No one can abandon you now. You are fully capable of protecting yourself and loving yourself!