I can't let go of my ex after breaking up, but I haven't really broken up yet.

Love psychology class: I can't let go of my ex, but I haven't really broken up yet.

Falling in love is an adventure, because it is likely to break up. For breaking up, some people can put it down calmly, while others find it difficult to do so. Even many people can't help but pay attention to their predecessors after breaking up. Just like a little bit in the movie Ex-3: Goodbye Ex-3, I still care so much about my ex-boyfriend's circle of friends after breaking up, and I will get angry when I see the happy scene from the other side.

In fact, there are still many people like her. It seems that it has become a habit to check the ex-dynamics after breaking up. So, what kind of psychology is this practice of not letting go of your predecessor? In view of this problem, we can discuss it in depth.

0 1. People who can't let go of their predecessors are more painful inside.

Teacher Chen, a famous psychological counselor, said: "If separation is regarded as a way to deal with relationship problems, then you will know that there are successful separations and unsuccessful separations."

In other words, when a relationship comes to an end, unsuccessful separation will make people continue to be entangled in anger, or lose confidence in love in loss, but successful separation will remember the beauty of the past, the pain of the past will become an experience, and each other can put aside the past and move on.

For those who have been paying attention to the dynamics of their predecessors, that is, they will feel more painful if they fail to achieve a successful separation. In fact, they have not come out of their past feelings. In their relationship, it seems that they haven't broken up yet. Maybe they haven't accepted the reality of breaking up, or maybe they still have a glimmer of hope. Through mutual attention, they are eager to get back together. But no matter what the reason, people who still want to know each other are living in pain.

02. People who can't let go of their predecessors are still jealous.

After breaking up, many people will not only pay attention to the dynamics of their ex, but also try their best to understand the information of their ex-boyfriends or girlfriends for comparison. People are narcissistic and eager to prove their importance, so once they hear that their ex has a new partner, they will compare each other intentionally or unintentionally and even anticipate their emotional problems. This kind of psychology is actually jealousy.

Studies have shown that men's love jealousy is mostly in economic strength, work ability and so on, while women's love jealousy is mostly in figure, appearance and so on, so those who have been paying attention to the dynamics of their predecessors are making trouble with their jealousy. Envy is human nature, and it is normal for people to have the psychology of comparison and competition.

Don't say that there is a strong comparability between the predecessor and the present, even between unrelated people, there will be inexplicable jealousy. Just like marlene dietrich in the movie "The Beautiful Legend of Sicily", he didn't offend anyone, but he was jealous of others because of his beauty, and even convicted.

This scene is especially like those who curse their ex and their girlfriends or boyfriends. They are controlled by jealousy, and when they are angry, they also expose the ugly side of human nature. We should realize that we can't let our jealousy hinder our self-growth.

03. People who can't let go of their predecessors feel insecure.

Those who always care about their predecessors may be jealous or uneasy. This kind of anxiety may be caused by one's own insecurity. I have been longing for love but I can't get it. It may also be that it is difficult to generate trust in intimate relationships. In other words, people who are hard to get out of lovelorn are probably insecure.

Love is an important source of a person's sense of security, which needs to be reflected through availability, certainty and controllability. People who can't let go of their predecessors are uneasy because they lose the sense of certainty in intimate relationships. They look at each other's circle of friends, Weibo and other trends in order to find a sense of control, but we should know that adults' sense of security can not be sought from the outside, but from the inside, so as to be truly independent and finally gain a sense of security.

For example, after breaking up, you can examine your true feelings and see how it relates to your childhood or past experiences, and then find out the real reason for your inner anxiety. More importantly, you should learn to replace your inherent thinking with new cognition, and then dare to take risks and change yourself. Of course, this process is not easy, but it must be worthwhile.

04. Let go of your predecessor and start a new life.

Letting go of your predecessor means letting go of the past. Only by letting go of the past can we start a new life. First of all, letting go is a process. After breaking up, we care about the dynamics of our predecessors, perhaps unwilling, perhaps nostalgic, or jealous and so on. But in any case, if we realize that this relationship is irreversible, we must learn to let go and start a new life.

But letting go doesn't mean staying calm at once, because it's difficult. Even if you break up voluntarily, it will take some time to get out. Teacher Chen believes that separation needs three psychological stages: the first stage is anger; The second stage is the stage of sadness or loss; The third stage, accept and put down.

Give yourself some time, but at the same time, you need the courage to come out and dare to face your next life, so that you can really let go. Secondly, let go and still believe in love. Many people will stop believing in love because they are lovelorn or divorced, for fear of being hurt again. In fact, it is not necessary, because successful separation depends on confidence in love itself.

In other words, those who have successfully separated will not only have fond memories of this past relationship, but also regard the pain they have suffered as their growing wealth. More importantly, they will still believe in love. Two people who can become friends after breaking up, although they are no longer in love, have a feeling between friends, which can also be a kind of love.

Once again, after breaking up, become a better self. Change is difficult. In love, we feel very comfortable and don't feel the need to change at all. But now that we have broken up, the pain is just around the corner. What do we do? Whether we live in the past all the time or take pain as the driving force for learning and growth, we need to make our own choices.

I think the latter should be our choice. Although breaking up has brought us emotional trauma, it has found us a lot of room for personal growth. As the book "Become a Better Self after Breaking Up" emphasizes, it is not easy to get out of pain and become a better self, but it is because of the difficult process that it is more important and worthwhile.

"Mountaineering will certainly consume physical strength, but when we reach the top of the mountain, the beauty in our hearts will bury all the pain and sadness, and we just want to enjoy the joy of victory."

Finally, I want to say that everyone's time is precious, and what deserves more attention is themselves. Don't waste time on predecessors. Moreover, when we pay attention to our ex and their boyfriends or girlfriends, maybe the other person is also paying attention to us. This mutual "gaze" has no practical significance.