"I'm tired of living"

"Do you know how long it takes to drain a blood vessel?"

"2 hours."

This is what a 36-year-old man told me.

Not everyone's family is so happy. Some people have never experienced the warmth from the so-called family.

It is his family background that makes him full of despair about "living".

This is his self-report.

0 1

"It would be nice to die."

My mother died at my full moon.

My father has been drinking since I can remember. He likes to hit me, whatever he has. I still remember when I was a child, every family had four units, and he called me from 1 to Unit 4, and no one dared to stop me.

He would pick me up, smash me on the ground, then drag me into the house, put his feet around my neck and say:

"Believe it or not, I'll kill you!"

Once, he hurt my leg and made it difficult for me to walk. Sometimes when he is tired of playing, he makes me kneel on the ground.

I'll never beat him. He's still very light. I can only say to him:

People always die. I wish you were dead.

Of course, this does not mean that he is a loving father when he doesn't drink.

Sometimes when he is talking, I just look at him and he will scold me:

"What are you looking at? Believe it or not, I stabbed you! "

Growing up, I have never experienced the feeling of a holiday. When I first knew the concept of birthday when I was a child, I hoped my father would buy me a small cake, even if it was a dollar.

But he won't, he will just slap me, and I will never celebrate my birthday again.

I don't know where the holiday is, and I don't know what others are happy about. All I know is that I will have nothing.

I also want to escape, escape from this home, escape from him.

But when I finally agreed to save money and move out, he called me back and lived in the current public rental housing.

He will let me get married like other parents, but I won't. I told him:

Because I'm afraid you'll beat my child to death.

I really hated him before, but it doesn't matter now.

Because I have been emotionally isolated from him, he is my father by blood and law, but I don't recognize him emotionally.

I can only say that it's not my fault.

02

"She seems to be different from other people's mothers."

In my life, the first woman I met was my stepmother.

In fact, children are very sensitive to the feeling of affection. At that time, my feeling for my stepmother was that "she seems to be different from other people's mothers."

I thought I could have someone who loves me, but I don't think so.

As long as my father is away, she will never cook my share of the meal.

Six years of primary school is my hardest time.

At that time, the cheapest popsicle 15 cents, I was reluctant to spend it.

In those six years, the most I ate was tap water. Sometimes when you are hungry, you rush into the men's room to drink tap water.

Usually, she scolds me in her hometown dialect, and when my father hits me, she will add fuel to it.

No matter whether you have a job or not, if you have money, you can save it yourself. If you want to spend money, you can ask my dad for it.

In my mind, I began to wonder if my mother existed like this.

Because I grew up in such a family, I am not very good at talking to others, especially strangers, and I dare not talk about salary in my future work.

I'm not afraid of communication, not at all.

I don't know what it's like to be treated well, because no one has ever treated me well.

In my life, besides violence, it is bullying and crowding out.

03

"I hit you to show others."

I don't know if you have ever met a classmate who is poor or dressed in dirty clothes at school. I am the man.

No one wants to be friends with such people, and no one loves me so much.

Violence on campus is as daily as eating for me.

Of course it's lighter than my dad hitting me.

From the beginning, some people would scribble on the back of my school uniform with pens. My father once told me:

If someone bullies you, call back.

So I would fight them, but I was beaten.

It's not that I haven't tried telling the teacher, but what's the use?

The teacher will say, "Why doesn't he bully others, only you?"

The most ridiculous thing is that my father helped me stop school violence.

When I was in class in the fourth grade, my father suddenly rushed in and beat me and dragged me out.

He just picked me up in one hand and carried me outside the guardrail. As soon as he let go, I could fall directly from the fourth floor to the first floor.

Because my cry was too loud, it attracted many talents to pull me back.

Since then, my classmates have bullied me less often.

They may think that no matter how they bully me, they will never surpass my dad.

My dad just smiled and said to me:

I'll show you to others.

So no matter what happened later, the teacher didn't call my parents because the teacher was afraid that I would die at school.

04

"It only takes two hours to commit suicide."

The back and forth of domestic violence and school violence completely defeated me.

I don't know the concept of depression, but when I stepped into the society, those depression, anxiety and social obstacles were exposed bit by bit.

At that time, I lived alone in a small house. I don't turn on the light every day, but I can't see my fingers.

It took me five hours to get up. It takes three hours from lying down to leaning on the bed, and two hours to get dressed again.

Sometimes there is really no strength. I leaned against the bed, tears streaming down my face.

Because I have to go to work, I have to pretend to be normal during the day and I will collapse when I come back at night.

I thought about suicide, and I tried.

The method I used was to cut my wrist and cut off a blood vessel.

At that time, I went out to donate blood, one time was 400ml, and a little more was 500ml. I calculated that it will be finished in about two hours.

So I opened an hourly room for two hours and cut the blood vessels on my wrist with a blade.

At first I stood there, but the blood would coagulate, so I washed it with water to keep it flowing, and then I gradually lost my strength and lay down.

I thought this would end my pain, but it didn't turn out as I hoped.

It took almost three hours to check out, but the front desk thought it was wrong and pried the door open.

I was saved and sent to the hospital.

Of course my father knew about it, but he never advised me not to die. As usual, he gave vent to his emotions:

If I had known you were like this, I would have left you alone.

Later, I didn't have any specific ideas about "suicide", but it doesn't mean that I really don't want to end my life.

I signed a body donation agreement, and I think I will solve it myself before I can't hold on.

Pulse cutting, nitrogen, something.

As long as it can end the pain.

05

"Being alive is very tiring for me."

Actually, I went to the hospital to see a doctor, not for treatment.

I just want to know how long it will be before I die.

I was diagnosed with my mother's illness more than two years ago.

I was admitted to the hospital for drinking. When I woke up, the doctor asked me if anyone in your family had uremia. I knew it was hereditary.

I will feel very tired and my kidneys will ache on both sides, but I think these are not unbearable.

I don't seem to have slept well.

I need to go out and find an internship when I am in senior three. My father doesn't come back from work until midnight every day. The first thing he did when he came back was to wake me up.

Actually, it's nothing. He said he just wanted to see if I was asleep.

When I go out to look for a job by bike the next day, I will start to feel sleepy and crash easily.

Sometimes I hit a tree, sometimes I hit someone else's car, and even I hit a bus while riding a battery car.

Maybe I'm used to bumping into it. I don't know why. When I ride a bike, the tree becomes a mountain.

Now either stay up late, unless you are particularly tired during the day, you can sleep better at night.

Headache, eye pain and backache are all daily meals.

There was an acute gastroenteritis, and I rolled around in pain. I couldn't stand the pain, so I started spanking myself until I passed out.

I don't think there is anything I can't carry. If I can carry it, I don't need to go to the hospital at all.

Because living is very tiring for me.

So I will comfort myself as I did when I was a child:

People always die.

06

"I don't seem to need friendship or love."

I have never experienced love, and I don't know how to experience it.

I don't think I will fall in love or get married. I'm already like this. There's no need to drag another person into the water.

As for friendship, there used to be no one around, but now there are some people who can be called "friends".

I will also slowly tell people around me about my situation, so that they have time to accept it.

I won't suddenly find myself dead one day in the future.

They will advise me to "relax" and "be happy"

I know I want to be cheerful and happy, but no one told me how to achieve this goal.

I know I need to communicate more with people, but I feel that strangers have nothing to do with me. What can we say?

For me, if there are more than two people, I think it is a lot of people.

To my friends, I want to say thank you and I want to say I'm sorry.

I know many people with depression. A person will hurt himself every night and his hands are covered with blood.

They like to hurt themselves because it hurts.

In my understanding, they want to live with a feeling of pain.

But in the eyes of so-called "healthy people", other people's depression is like watching a game.

It's like someone wants to jump off a building in downtown, but all the onlookers are shouting "jump"

I will preserve other people's prejudices. When I don't have enough will to die, I will add these straws one by one.

When my desire for death and my instinct for survival are pulling each other, I will think that I must suppress this instinct.

But some things are incomprehensible without experience.

It doesn't matter whether you accept it or not.

This is everyone's freedom.

07

"Adults will never learn how to be parents."

Sometimes, I feel very strange.

It's like I saw a painting, and I was standing in a big, big darkness. In the distance, there is a tall wall. There is a man in the wall. I thought that person was myself, but he ignored me.

Is to be isolated from yourself.

For me, depression is the inevitable result of my experience, just as I feel full after eating and feel pain after being beaten.

I am who I am now because of my family and my father.

Things never happen overnight, some are just accumulated injuries, and so is depression. It can't happen suddenly one day.

In fact, when I was very young, no one paid attention to me. Dad went to work, and I stayed alone in my small room and played by myself.

Sit on the bed and count the time with your legs down like this.

But I am a child after all, and my expressive ability is limited.

When children's expressive ability is limited, parents always feel uncomfortable and will say it, but they really can't say it.

Adults are not so sensitive to emotions, so children think they are right without saying anything.

Adults may not know that children are actually teaching them how to be parents in their own way.

But adults will never learn.

What do you want to say to those depressed people who are in the dark?

If you can, try not to forget the past. Once you forget the past, you will return to a depressed state when you come back later.

If you can get out of depression, at least take care of yourself first, let alone who you can help.

After all, there are few people who can take care of themselves now, but I hope you are one of them.

If you are taking medicine or receiving treatment now, you should listen to your doctor and have a good treatment. Because no one wants patients to survive more than doctors.

As for what your future life will be like and what kind of life you want to live, you just need to pay attention to your feelings.

Don't force yourself to do anything, take your time.

Teacher Qilu made a film about depression, May the night never end. Remember to look.