Confessions of an actress (serial 1)

My name is Tussaud. When I was a child, my mother often called me Sasha. Later, many people called me Sasha, so that sometimes I forgot my last name was Du.

I was born on1February 7, 984. I don't know if something bigger happened that year, but my arrival is a big event for our family.

That year was the year of the rat, so I became a mouse without hesitation. I hate mice and I am afraid of them, but there is nothing I can do about it, just like I can't choose to be a girl myself. The constellation is Aquarius. Before that, I didn't understand what the so-called constellation was, and I still do. I know that I am an Aquarius because when I was in Beijing, my roommate Wei Wei was very keen on the unfathomable knowledge of constellations and took pains to tell me about my horoscope. So I know my horoscope, and I don't understand how she has the patience to convert such a difficult number. Sometimes I think her choice of actors is a mystery.

Blood type is O, and it is omnipotent. I'd rather be another blood type, because this blood type does not help others, but brings a lot of pain to others. However, I know that I can't change it. I have been confused since I was a child, and many things seem to be known very late, just like my blood type, which was only known by the university. The reason why I know my blood type is that I am lovelorn, and I don't know that others are lovelorn. I only know that at that time, my eyes wandered around the campus like lost souls. On the day of lovelorn love, I volunteered my blood, so I knew my blood type and drew a full stop for my first love, with blood.

About my first love, I will tell you slowly in the future, although I dare not look back so far.

I was born in Gaohe village. When I was one year old, I went to the city with my parents and never returned to that village. So all my memories of that village disappeared with the noise of the city. It is not clear what Gaohe Village used to look like. I think that village must be beautiful. Otherwise, how could I be such a smart and lovely girl? This is not what I said, but what many directors said when countless crews went to see the group. I hope they are telling the truth.

Regarding my career, it is necessary to explain here that I have been writing about students in that column before 2007, and I have been writing about actors in this column all year in 2007. After 2008, I lost my job because I will never be an actor again. What happened to me in 2007 almost covered my whole life, and everything made me shudder.

Many people say that being an actor is a fascinating profession. It is easy for them to stand and talk. Who really knows the pain here? Even if many actors become famous, they don't want to look back at their loneliness and helplessness. The past is history, and there must be blood and tears in every history.

My height 165cm. Many directors sometimes look at my materials and shake their heads in disappointment, saying that I am a little short. Actually, my clear height is not that high. This may be hereditary. My parents are not very tall. I think it's not easy for me to do this. This is also my choice. There are many things in life that I can't choose and I can't fight.

Weight has always been my heart disease, and I dare not eat many things. In fact, sometimes I really think, damn it, forget it, what kind of actor am I? I am so miserable that I dare not eat my own meal, but I am still controlled by reason. Being an actor is my choice without regrets, so my weight has always been good, and it has been floating around 40 kilograms.

Please forgive me for swearing. A girl can't express her indignation in this way, no matter how dissatisfied you are.

I have kept my hair since the day I entered the film and television circle, because there is a sentence written in a book that I will never forget, saying that an actor's body is not his own, including his hair. I don't know why it doesn't belong to me, but I still believe this sentence, so I always keep my hair and dare not cut it, although sometimes it takes half a day to wash it once, because my hair grows very fast, and now it is a little over the waist.

The measurements of 82, 60 and 83 are said to be relatively standard, and I have added this column to my resume since I entered the film and television industry. I think this is different from other occupations. I don't know what the standard I'm talking about is. This is what a director of a cast told me. I remembered to deliver the materials. He glanced at my resume and kept sweeping me with his small eyes, sweeping me like a street mouse.

The director looked at me unscrupulously and said that your figure is very standard. He looked at me with a puzzled face and shook his resume and explained, "Generally, the bust is about the same as the hip, and the waist circumference is 20 cm smaller than the bust. Even if it is standard, you see that yours is quite standard. "

I blushed at that time. Although I liberated my nature when I was studying acting at school, I still blushed. I know I failed this course.

The director's eyes seemed to penetrate my body, and what he saw in my heart made me feel ashamed. To cover up my embarrassment, I said, "Are actors so strict about measurements? Not like a model? "

The director made a ha ha, without deliberately explaining why he cared so much about my measurements. Alas, in this circle, the actress's figure seems to be more concerned than herself.

/kloc-When I was 0/3 years old, I had my first period. I was scared. Later, my mother helped me learn how to face this friend who has been with me for half my life. My mother is so nice. She is the only woman in the world who never gets tired of listening to my complaints.

From that day on, I knew I was a mature girl. I can't play with the boys in my class anymore. I want to draw a line and keep my distance from them.

/kloc-When I was 0/5 years old, I first received a note from a boy in my class. He wrote on it that he likes me. I handed it to the teacher rudely because I didn't like him. I like our monitor but he doesn't like me. He likes to be inseparable from the study Committee. I am not convinced. I studied hard and wanted to be a study committee member. Later, our monitor changed schools. I

In 2007, after drifting to Beijing, with the turmoil of life, the physiological cycle became more and more inaccurate, so that many times things that we thought should not happen became tense.

Why did I choose to be an actor? I think it has something to do with an experience as a child. Now that I have grown up, I know that some things that happened when I was a child will affect my later life, especially my family.

When I was 3 years old, my mother got a serious illness. At that time, I didn't know the name of my mother's illness, but I knew it must be very serious, because my strong mother was dying because of her illness, and she was lying in bed all day, feeling very weak. When I was 3 years old, I still knew that I had to stop being willful like other children in this family and take care of my mother, but the only thing I could take care of her was not to make noise and stay with her quietly.

Perhaps the silence at that time led me to grow up to now. I am a quiet little girl who doesn't like how to talk.

The memory of my father stays at that stage. My father is very strong. He hasn't shaved for days, just like an old man with a beard. At that time, my father worked in the factory, got up early, cooked for my mother and me, then went to work, came back late, and then cooked dinner. The premature pressure of life made him very old, and even rarely saw his smile again.

At that time, our family was always immersed in silence. So far, I am afraid that there is no voice alone.

Men are always unreliable.

This is what my mother told me. I always remember that my mother said this because my father left. My father finally left. He couldn't stand the pain brought by this family and decided to leave. At that time, I didn't know how much disaster my father's departure would bring to this family, but for my mother, it was more unbearable than my illness.

That afternoon, my father came back early, holding a piece of bright red pork, dripping with blood, but it was actually a beautiful petal in my eyes. For too long, I don't know what meat tastes like. Dad saw me and grinned: "Niu Niu, dad wrapped jiaozi for you today."

Dad always calls me Niu Niu. I don't know why. Men are sometimes very strange, and his smile is also very strange that day.

I clapped my hands and jumped back and forth in the room, shouting, oh, oh, oh, there is meat to eat, there is meat to eat. Jiaozi that day was the best I ever ate in my life, and it was also the most painful memory in my life.

At the dinner table, my father watched me eat and kept laughing. I saw that his hands trembled slightly and his eyes were a little red when he fed jiaozi to his mother. At that time, I was ignorant and innocent. I didn't know that this was the last dinner before my father left. My mother asked my father why he didn't eat, and my father just said falteringly, "I did." Today, we celebrate our model workers in the factory and eat a lot of delicious food. "

I don't know what a model worker means, but I know that when I am a model worker, there will be delicious food, so I cried and shouted that I want to be a model worker, which attracted my parents to smile at each other. This is the happiest smile I can remember seeing my parents.

After dinner, dad washes the dishes slowly. I saw his rickety body almost sticking to the sink, and his back moved. It took my father nearly twice as long to finish the work. At that time, I didn't understand. Now I know that it is a kind of persistence in life.

Dad finally finished all the housework, and then carefully scrubbed his mother's body. I didn't think it was any different from other times, just that my father was more careful, lighter and took longer.

After all this, my father looked around and sighed. I asked my father why he sighed. Father said, "It is very comfortable to sigh when you are tired."

I also learn from my father's sigh, and I feel uncomfortable. My father was teased and rubbed my face with his bearded face. I cried. My father's beard hurt me.

Dad stroked my head and said something I didn't quite understand at that time: "Niu Niu, be nice to your mother."

When my father was about to go out, he suddenly stood at the door and looked at me blankly. I looked at my father, and I saw his eyes moist. I said, Dad, why are you crying? Dad said it was sweat, so I gave him a towel. I said, dad wiped the sweat, dad kept wiping with a towel, and there was another one after wiping. At that time, I didn't know why dad was sweating so much.

Now I know that it is not sweat, but tears.

Dad said, "Niu Niu, let dad hug you again."

I won't let dad hug me. I'm afraid his beard is stinging.

Dad said, "Give me a hug. Dad doesn't have to prick you with a beard. "

I don't know. My father always lies to me. Every morning when he goes to work, he says he will come back early after work, but every time he comes back, I am already asleep.

Dad saw that I refused to give him a hug and squatted there for a long time. Later, he stood up in frustration and waved to me.

I said, dad, did you go home early today?

Dad nodded for a long time.

Dad still lied to me. He left and never came back.

The next day, people from my father's factory came to see my mother. I don't know what they are talking about. They just whispered to my mother behind my back. Then my mother fainted and was rushed to the hospital.

I never saw my father again. There was a time when I kept asking my mother for my father. My mother just said to me absently, "Dad is on a business trip and will be back soon."

I said that my father is not a good father, so no one will come back to see Niu Niu.

When I was sensible, I learned from my neighbors that my father fell off the scaffold in the factory and died. When I was old, I learned a more unacceptable fact, saying that my father deliberately fell to his death to treat his mother, which cost the factory a lot of money. I believe this is nonsense, but the factory did give a lot of money to our family at that time, so that we have been living on it.

Now I believe that the money was really bought by my father with his life.

There was no happiness in my childhood. Now that I have grown up, I would rather go back to my childhood.

Dad has been gone for a long time, and a strong mother has been fighting the disease. I believe that her stubbornness and strength won her victory and her illness gradually improved. I also think that my father must be supporting my mother in another world in his other way.

After my mother recovered from her illness, she went to her old paper mill to be a warehouse keeper. According to the neighbors, it is also because the factory knows the greatest care given by our family, and I was about to graduate from high school. I filled in a performance when I volunteered that day, and I have to say that I have fulfilled my mother's long-cherished wish.

My mother studied dance in the Cultural Palace when she was a child. She said that at that time, her greatest wish was to have a pair of dancing shoes like other girls, and then go on stage to dance to the fullest, so that more people could watch her under the stage. But this wish did not come true. Grandpa didn't support a girl's appearance, and soon she quit the dance class, ruining her artistic dream. My mother has been worried and cried secretly every day, but she still cried.

Although the years have passed so long, my mother's wish has never been extinguished. I think I inherited her stubbornness. Later, she pinned all her hopes on me, which became the main reason why I was able to learn so many long classes since I was a child.

Although my family is so poor, my mother will support me to study various art-related subjects no matter what methods I use. She said she wouldn't have any regrets in the future.

Mom asked me to make up for all her regrets.

Now I'm wondering if I've always liked being an actor in my bones. I don't think so. At that time, my mother forced me to wear shoes that pinch my feet, and I always had resentment in my heart. I hate this job, I hate the feeling of walking on tiptoe, and I even hate the string of red marks that my mother beat on my delicate ass with a feather duster. I think my love has been accepted by my mother.

I didn't get into Chinese opera and Nortel. I don't know whether I deliberately opposed my mother or whether God opposed my mother. But my mother didn't give up. She was still keen on running. At that time, I looked at her old figure and felt infinite sadness in my heart. I thought my mother was really old, and this dream would be realized for her anyway. Later, I was admitted to an art school in the south.

When I saw her off, my mother didn't show the sadness of parting, but she was surprisingly excited and made an exception to eat out. She was as happy as if she had been admitted to the acting department instead of me. She said to everyone, "My daughter is an actress, my daughter is an actress." She looks just like Sister Xianglin.

To be continued.