Sun Li: Yell at the child and turn it on for me! But what's on a child's mind after being yelled at?

Sun Li sent a Weibo some time ago, which made many old mothers feel the same way.

"The sound engineer praised me for getting louder and more penetrating ... I have made such great progress that all mothers should understand. It is not just the practice of bringing a baby in these seven years. "

Slightly ridiculous words, but tells the "sadness" of all old mothers:

Against Xiong Haizi, we all practiced the "Lion Roar".

During the summer vacation, children are always "hanging around" at home, and they are more likely to yell. Yell at him to stop playing iPad, yell at him to eat well, and yell at him to go to bed quickly. ......

I believe that many mothers, like her, have been telling themselves in their hearts, don't yell, don't yell, but when the anger comes up, it's really difficult to control their emotions.

Therefore, the vicious circle of "yelling if you don't agree with a word, and regretting after yelling" is constantly repeated in life.

How harmful is it for parents to lose control of their emotions?

In fact, we yell at our children and lose control of our emotions, which is often more terrible than the children's own problems.

These bad emotions are like viruses, which are often transmitted to children. They may vent in the same way.

For example, some children have learned to stare at people and gnash their teeth.

It looks worrying, but I'd say it's not bad.

At least, we can guide and appease the child in time and reflect on our own problems according to his emotions.

There is also a more worrying situation: children who have been yelled at don't cry, don't make trouble, don't talk silently, and even pretend not to hear or see.

We don't know what he is thinking. Are you really indifferent to the roar of adults?

Of course not!

Probably because of fear. When adults roar, they sometimes want to cry or lose their temper, but they are afraid that if they show dissatisfaction and resistance, they will encounter more severe scolding and criticism.

Probably numb. At first, he would think, is it because I am not good enough that I am yelled at again and again? But after repeated causal analysis and self-questioning, I still can't find the answer, and adults are still growling. Slowly, habitual forbearance and depression turned into numbness.

Probably trying to escape. When adults are angry, their expressions are ferocious and their words are harsh. Whether he is right or wrong, he doesn't want to argue any more. He just wants the storm to pass quickly. Over time, children will have an "ostrich mentality" and passively face future pressures and problems.

So children who don't talk after being yelled at are more worrying.

You can't see what he really thinks, and you don't know whether there are stormy waves in his seemingly calm heart.

The emotion that the child pressed down did not disappear, but was stiffly suppressed in his heart and body.

A study by Martin, an associate professor of psychiatry, found that children who have been subjected to verbal violence from their parents for a long time will have permanent damage to their brain structure.

Studies have shown that the Wernicke area (the part responsible for language processing) and the prefrontal lobe (the area responsible for brain "execution") are reduced, and advanced cognitive functions, such as problem solving, on-the-spot reaction, memory, language ability, motivation, judgment, impulse control, social and sexual performance, are completed by the prefrontal lobe, while the hippocampus (the part responsible for emotional processing and memory formation) is reduced.

As a result, children who have been reprimanded for a long time are prone to the following situations:

There will also be cracks in the parent-child relationship. Children who have been scolded for a long time will build a wall inside themselves and block communication with us. In the future, when they encounter problems and difficulties, we can't understand, communicate or even help them.

Why can't you stop yelling at the children?

According to some surveys, more than 89% of parents will make a hullabaloo about in the process of educating their children.

Why do we often yell at children? Is it because children make mistakes every time?

Let me show you a few small examples:

1. The child refused to go to bed and kept playing with toys. You coaxed her into saying, "Stop fooling around and go to bed." At this time, you received a phone call because some problems at work were criticized by the leader.

Seeing that the child is still playing with toys, you yelled at the child: "How many times have you said that you are sleeping? Why don't you sleep?" Be obedient! "

Just after quarreling with your lover, the child rushed over to ask you to buy her a hamburger. You can't help yelling at him: "You can eat whatever you want!"

It's tiring to work overtime for a day, but you can't help but get angry when the children are still pestering you to tell stories.

The child is always walking around on the subway. You don't listen to any advice, so you can't help getting angry.

It may not be the child's fault at all that we yell at the child; Our bad mood may come from our own pressure (such as the pressure of work and life) and powerlessness (helplessness in the face of naughty children).

Their disobedience and waywardness are just the last straw to overwhelm our emotions.

There is a "cat kicking effect" in psychology, which refers to the infection of bad emotions:

People's dissatisfaction and bad emotions are generally transmitted in turn along the social relationship chain composed of rank and strength:

The weakest element with nowhere to vent becomes the ultimate victim.

In the family, children are often the outlet for adults to vent their emotions, because they are the weakest, they can't explain, and they are also the easiest people to forgive us.

Five measures to prevent emotional loss of control.

How to adjust yourself, relieve emotions in time, and reduce the probability of yelling?

Here, I want to introduce some practical and easy-to-operate methods I have tried.

1. Be aware of your emotions in time.

Once you find that your mood is wrong, deal with it in time. Don't wait for the flood of emotions to break through your inner dam before you remember to flood.

If you can realize your bad emotions in time and relieve them in time, you will be more patient when you face your children and reduce the probability of yelling.

Recording is a good way to know yourself.

You can be more honest with yourself when writing, and many locked emotions will begin to appear with the flow of words. Memories, combing, the heart will rise a little relaxed.

Even if you don't write it down, silently recall and trace the process that made your mood worse and out of control, you will get some relief.

2. Talk to children about our feelings.

Our parents, perhaps to maintain their authority, seldom show their feelings. We can only understand their feelings from their expressions, words and body language, so we can only see the superficial emotions on the iceberg and always find it difficult to understand their parents.

When we become parents, we can try to talk more about our feelings with our children. Why am I angry when you get lost? Besides being angry, there are more worries and fears.

Encourage children to share their feelings with us, but be careful not to complain and complain. We should discuss emotions with a positive attitude and find appropriate ways to ease them.

3. Learn to listen to the child and see the real motivation behind his behavior.

If it is really the child's "fault", we should also consciously explore: there are many reasons behind the child's unreasonable troubles.

When Nana Ogawa first went to kindergarten, every morning when he put on his shoes, he always said that they were uncomfortable. He changed a pair after another, but none of them were suitable or uncomfortable. The little flame in my heart rises slowly and always ends in my anger and his injustice.

Later, I gradually understood that he was depressed and depressed when he was "making things difficult for others", so I tried to listen to him and said, "You seem very unhappy." Well, are the shoes really uncomfortable, or are there other unhappy things? He nodded. "Are you reluctant to part with your mother, but you have to go to school, and your heart is very uncomfortable, but you don't know how to express it?" Wow, Nana Ogawa cried and threw herself into my arms.

We should be good at observing, actively listening to children and understanding their emotions and behaviors, so as to really put out the fire of anger in our hearts and guide children more pertinently.

4. Stick to principles, be gentle and firm

Sometimes, the root cause of our emotional loss is that we didn't stick to the principle at first, and let the children constantly test the bottom line. Finally, our children crossed the line completely, and our patience was polished, so it broke out.

The most typical example: I made an appointment with my children to play in the park until 10. 10, get ready to go home. The child didn't want to go, spoiled for a while and played for another 5 minutes. We relented and agreed. The first five minutes, the second minute and the third minute. ......

The child didn't mean to leave at all, and we were anxious to go home and do other things. 10: 30, the child is in a good mood, and we are anxious to go back. It is easy to break out between pulling and pulling.

If we abide by the agreement gently and firmly from the beginning, over time, the children will not procrastinate, and we will not look at our hearts in a hurry.

Let the child bear the natural consequences and don't threaten him with punishment.

A long time->, I wrote an article->; Every child who is not self-disciplined has been troubled by such mistakes behind him. That's the point.

Don't threaten the child with punishment, try to eliminate his bad behavior. Jane nelsen, an American educator, said in his book Positive Discipline: "When children feel threatened, they will not judge whether their actions are right or wrong." In other words, the child could not understand the relationship between bad behavior and bad results at that time.

At this point, it is best to use the natural consequences method. The child's behavior itself will produce unpleasant experiences. Children experience the consequences from the results of the development of things, sum up the causal relationship, and thus spontaneously correct their misconduct.

At this time, there is no need for parents to interfere too much, and there is no need to make a hullabaloo about emphasizing children's attention to the consequences. He can understand himself.

Of course, the natural consequences law should be based on ensuring the safety of children.

I also want to say that we should work hard, occasionally be in a bad state, yell at children, get angry or show some other negative emotions, and don't be too hard on ourselves.

We need to learn to accept "I'm not good enough", as psychologist carl rogers said:

"When I accept my true self, I can change."

There is a term in social psychology called "south wind effect", which comes from a fable written by French writer La Fontaine:

The north wind and the south wind want to see who is better and who can take off the coat of pedestrians.

The north wind blows a biting cold wind, but pedestrians feel cold and wrap their clothes more tightly; There was a slight breeze from the south wind, and pedestrians felt very hot and took off their clothes one after another.

Gentleness finally prevailed over violence.

Our "roar" to children is the north wind, and "gentle and firm teaching" is the south wind.

Obviously, the south wind is more intelligent and powerful than the north wind, and it can also make children feel love and warmth.